I keep going back to my abusive ex and need to leave for good

[orangeandpinapple]

We broke up over a year ago and I went to a refuge, but I tried to keep things nice as I was worried about him coming after money he says I owe him. I am now out of the refuge and in my own home. I have ended it at least ten times, but as he's not gone off the wall like I expected I've ended up taking him back. He's been the 'perfect' partner since the start of the year and I've even tried to annoy him to get a reaction, but he just walks away and doesn't engage like he used to. I am now worried maybe it was me along and it's me who's abusive. Is he only acting the perfect partner to 'hoover' me back into living with him?

I know deep down that this can't work and when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant I had a termination behind his back, as deep down I know he's not right and bringing a child into this situation would be a terrible mistake.

I wonder to myself if I have been pushed back to him because of lockdown, as I was lonely and felt so vulnerable through it all. I want to leave him again, but he's my only company I have through this horrible covid thing. I feel so terribly lonely without him and even have felt suicidal on my own. I feel so stuck. I have bipolar and struggle massively with being on my own. I have contacted my local centre for freedom program, but nothing so far. I have also contacted the mental health team, but it's been over a year now and i'm still waiting. I'm currently working from home and my job doesn't have me interacting with other people, which I don't think helps matters. I feel more isolated now than I ever did living with him.

I have also contacted the mental health team, but it's been over a year now and i'm still waiting.

What sort of mental health team? If you're under the consultant and that's the crisis team, they would contact you later in the day or the next day, especially as you have bipolar.

I would contact your GP or consultant, or duty nurse.

Chase this up as it sounds like they've forgotten about you. It does happen and you have to call and chase it up.

As to your ex- just block him on everything, don't answer the door to him or anything.

I know how the teams etc work and how to get things done because I have bipolar and have been treated for it for decades in different parts of the country.

You're not living together so it's easy for him to pull the wool over your eyes with the nice guy act. I've fallen in to that trap myself.
You know what he's like and you know he's not good. You won't be doing yourself any favours by going back to him and I KNOW it's hard. Be strong this time.

@SoulofanAggron I spoke to someone over a video call in May, but no body since. I'm not under crisis team and haven't been since I first left him in 2019 but that was a different area.

@Hesfamousforit I really wish I had the strength and it's almost better the devil you know. I just don't really trust any men now as my dad was also abusive. I feel so alone and worthless now and feel I am wasting my best years on this man.

Bump, would really appreciate some more advice.

Give them a call and they will get back to you. Keep nudging them. xxx

feel I am wasting my best years on this man.

I know it's easy to say, but 'just' do it, just finish with him and block him. Honestly, you'll feel so much better for it, as you'd be asserting your own worth to yourself. Have nothing more to do with him ever again. If you need mental health help at any point than get it.

You say you keep going back, what exactly happens? What the recurring pattern of behaviours OP?

You need to tip the balance and get enough support from other people so that their voices outweigh your own internal conditioned voice which is full of doubt following prolonged abuse.

Freedom programme will help, I'm doing it now. Here's a quote from the freedom programme book that is relevant and can explain things:

"There is a common misconception that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault."

Other people that can help are GP, friends with experience or knowledge of abuse, counsellors. The more you get out of the situation, the more you can look at it from the 'outside', the clearer things become. The longer you stay inside the abusive dynamic, the more confusing and difficult life gets.

All the best x