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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you make of this comment

31 replies

WorkOnCore · 27/10/2020 11:14

Dear mumsnetters, I would appreciate your gut reactions to the following text sent to my DH from a female acquaintance during lockdown.
Bit of context: DH has a friendly personality. I wouldn't call him a flirt, but I would say he likes people to like him (both genders).
He and the woman who sent the text have known one another a few years. They know one another through work dealings but have never met in person (to my knowledge). They would previously have had reason to contact one another over the phone maybe once a month at most due to work.
He's mentioned her a few times over the past few years, stuff I can't really remember, but got the feeling they'd have a quick personal chat while on the phone at work. I was under the impression she had left the company quite some time ago.
I thought it was all above board, she didn't enter my radar at all, then I notice that she sent this to his personal phone earlier this year. It was part of a short conversation about what was happening during lockdown:
'definitely is keeping you out of trouble lol x'

The reason I looked at his messages was that I had become concerned about a texting relationship during lockdown with an entirely different woman (he says this is all above board, and the messages seem to confirm this). I haven't asked him about this one though.

He moved the chat with her from SMS to WhatsApp in May, then nothing since. She's not on his messenger list, she's not a FB friend and he has no other chat apps.

Gut reaction please?

OP posts:

TheStoic · 27/10/2020 11:26

My gut reaction is that it’s a lame attempt at a joke.

SicklyToaster · 27/10/2020 11:37

My guy reaction is that it means nothing, especially as there hasn't been further messaging.
This is the other side of snooping though. If you do it, you're going to feel the need to find something to justify it otherwise you're the kind of person who invades their partner's privacy due to their own insecurity.

BertieBloopsMum · 27/10/2020 11:40

Does he know that you've been searching back through months and months of his messages?

plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 11:44

My gut reaction is that you have trust issues. I don't think I'd even think twice about that message if I saw it on my partner's phone. Why were you looking at his messages?

edwinbear · 27/10/2020 11:45

It's the 'x' that's bothering you I'm guessing? Some people just do routinely put 'x's at the end of their messages out of habit. I'd really not be worried about this at all.

Bringmewineandcake · 27/10/2020 11:51

It wouldn't worry me, it's a nothing comment.

Bannister · 27/10/2020 11:53

A mild attempt at humour? In the unlikely event I was reading my husband's phone messages surreptitiously, it isn't something I would even have registered.

Original poster

WorkOnCore · 27/10/2020 11:58

It isn't the x that is bothering me. It is the suggestion by her to him that him being at home is keeping him out of trouble.

OP posts:

BertieBloopsMum · 27/10/2020 12:00

@WorkOnCore

It isn't the x that is bothering me. It is the suggestion by her to him that him being at home is keeping him out of trouble.

Either you're really stretching here, or there's some specific reason that you suspect him.

Spam88 · 27/10/2020 12:04

I would think absolutely nothing of that comment. It's just something people say 🤷‍♀️

FetchezLaVache · 27/10/2020 12:06

I'm afraid I tend to agree with your interpretation of that message, OP, in all honesty... If it was something like 'Oh well, it'll be keeping you out of mischief at least' I would think it was innocent, it's the 'definitely is' that I don't like.

Original poster

WorkOnCore · 27/10/2020 12:06

Thanks @Spam88

I read it literally. Like, being at home with the wife means you can't get into trouble.

OP posts:

Bannister · 27/10/2020 12:08

@WorkOnCore

It isn't the x that is bothering me. It is the suggestion by her to him that him being at home is keeping him out of trouble.

Seriously? That's the kind of standard weak joke someone would make to the office nerd, to big him up and give the impression the joker genuinely believes that he would be breaking the hearts of all the office juniors/setting up a company coup to topple the board etc etc, when in fact the most 'trouble' he's ever caused is using someone else's mug in the staff kitchen.

Sharww · 27/10/2020 12:09

Cos you’re already suspicious of him with this other woman, I’m guessing you’re seeing ‘trouble’ and thinking she means some kind of extramarital trouble that this woman is aware of.

But honestly, that’s just a regular saying people use all the time. Doesn’t mean anything. It’s a lighthearted jokey insinuation along the likes of ‘oh what are you like!’, suggesting someone is a bit of a character and maybe a bit of a mischief maker in very banal ways. Like when people say ‘hello trouble’.

You still have the issue though that you don’t trust him.

Original poster

WorkOnCore · 27/10/2020 12:10

@FetchezLaVache

Thanks @FetchezLaVache that's how I read it too. Like, there is something she definitely knows about his conduct that I don't know. I wondered if the reason she definitely knows is because he hadn't been texting or calling her.

OP posts:

PeskyRooks · 27/10/2020 12:16

It's nothing. You're reading too much into it it's just a throaway haha comment.

BertieBloopsMum · 27/10/2020 12:22

You're really, really reaching here. You've trawled through months of his messages and found - nothing.

Does he know you've been snooping?

Original poster

WorkOnCore · 27/10/2020 12:35

@BertieBloopsMum

You're really, really reaching here. You've trawled through months of his messages and found - nothing.

Does he know you've been snooping?

I think he probably knows because we've had some serious conversations about the other woman and the communication channels he's been contacting her through. Saying that, he's protective of his phone.

OP posts:

Hesfamousforit · 27/10/2020 12:46

I would normally be first to think he had been up to something.... But from what you've said their relationship is over the phone so, what I'm thinking is he has told her about some comical work mishaps over the phone and that is what she is referring to.

SicklyToaster · 27/10/2020 12:59

@WorkOnCore
He doesn't know because you haven't told him.
When you do, he will be rightly annoyed.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/10/2020 13:12

He doesn't know you're accessing his phone, does he? If he knew, you'd have already asked him "what does this mean?"

You're in danger of torpedoing a (presumably) happy marriage here with no evidence of wrongdoing on his part.

Is it that you're not happy yourself and you're looking for a reason to leave?

Dontletitbeyou · 27/10/2020 13:16

He’s not protective enough of his phone obviously.
I would HATE the idea of anyone going through my phone . It would make me so resentful .
The comment sounds like just a jokey comment ,that people often make between each other . You’re reading way too much into it . Looks like you’re looking for a reason to find him guilty of something

Sunshine801 · 27/10/2020 13:17

I would feel the same as you. Just seems a little off. It would ring alarm bells with me too.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2020 13:23

I have made this joke about myself. Being at home doesn’t actually keep me out of trouble, it’s a fairly common throw away line.

The bigger issue here is you don’t trust him and are spending your time searching his phone and looking to read something into anything you can possibly read something into even when it’s a massive stretch

You also know there are folks on here who will urge you on. Either because they have issues, or they like the drama in a randoms marriage or they think you need someone to agree with you.

The question is why are you in this relationship when it’s reduced you to this state,

Honeyroar · 27/10/2020 13:29

Keeping me out of trouble covers everything- not just having an affair! It’s just a general phrase people use, like keeping me busy. If he’d followed it up with “otherwise I’d be with you” or something I’d be worried, but not as a general comment.

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