Husband angry and rejected

[autumn1980]

Will try and keep a lo

You ok OP?

Well, that was a worthwhile post.

Inbox me Hun xxx

Sorry posted before I'd written it and then lost the post

Will try and keep a long story short !
Things not been great for the last 7 years but we've kept going and most of the time get on well . We're married with 2 dc's , he's a good man and father.
Things came very close to the end 8 weeks ago but we reconciled and have been trying to build bridges and reconnect since . We have started sharing a bed again too (unable to this before with dc and additional needs) but have made some changes that have worked thus far .
We've been intimate twice in the last 8 weeks both times initiated by me . The times Dh has made a move I've said no , for various reasons such as things still not 100% between us , not feeling like it or feeling like I want to be vunerable - and the kids being awake watching tv in the next room . He has reacted badly to this and felt rejected , I find him attractive but that's not the issue - it's trusting him with my feelings and feeling safe and loved -which I don't fully just yet . I'm not Sure what to do - I love him and want it to work but this behaviour is so disrespectful. He feels unwanted and lashes out - I then feel glad I didn't participate in the first place ! Feels like a bit of a vicious circle

I've said I think it would help if we are more affectionate with each other in a non sexual way so we feel closer physically , which sharing a bed will do -being able to have a cuddle etc but he's said I'm a control freak and it always has to be on my terms - told me to 'F off then ' last time I said no which is again so disrespectful and just leaves me feeling objectified - surely if he cares about how I felt he would be more understanding and try to reconnect on a more
Emotional level - which is I think what is lacking.

I think we just need a lot more information but it sounds as though you both want it to work out?

What happened 8 weeks ago?

Sounds like you two might benefit from counselling as there are resentments on both sides.

We'd been disconnected for a long time because with work and kids and sleeping in separate beds I think it had made him feel a bit separate of our family unit - so lots of meeting up with his mates drinking and I suppose living a bit like a bachelor which came to a head when he went out 8 weeks ago pulled an all
nighter and came home in the morning completely out of it - I didn't know where he'd been or who he was with so asked him to leave , he didn't he went to bed for the day and then got up full of sorrow and apology. We had a heart to heart and decided to give our relationship one last go .

We do want it to work and have everything going for us , decent jobs , lovely kids and a beautiful home . I haven't been as available as I was before children but I think that happens to most people , having a dc with additional needs is stressful but I do my best

You said you didn't want to have sex , and he responded with "fuck off then". I'm a bit shocked by this to be honest. That's a really awful way to talk to someone you are supposed to love. I'm not surprised you feel disrespected and objectified....

And he called you a control freak?... Is this because although you initiate sex when you're in the mood and the circumstances are right, you have rejected his advances when the circumstances haven't been right? Why hasn't he planned his advances better? Most adults can think about the background to sex, and make plans to optimise the experience. Jumping in when the kids are watching TV doesn't sound like a well thought out idea. It's quite an immature outlook he has with regards to sex... it doesn't sound like he wants to connect on an emotional level at the moment.

If things haven't been going well for the last seven years.... Do you really feel that things will improve?

What else have you been doing to build your connection?

We've were trying to have more 'couple' time - date nights but then lockdown happened and we had to keep away from grandparents - who are sometimes reluctant to babysit anyway because of my youngest
The last 7 years have been tough for a number of reasons but I'd hoped things would get better due to circumstances being slightly easier with the kids and our home situation ,
Less financial stress now and the kids are older so not the same demands

Kids not that much older , they're 6&7 now but with a small gap and additional needs things were harder when they were little

@crestar

Well, that was a worthwhile post.

Inbox me Hun xxx

😂

I’ll start off by saying him swearing at you was definitely not an acceptable response to you saying no for sex.

But I’m also going to just put another perspective here - because you’ll get a lot of people saying how terrible he is and you were perfectly right. The thing is - like you are feeling vulnerable with your feelings, he’s likely feeling the same. And in a fragile relationship with both on tenterhooks I can totally see how you saying no probably feels completely humiliating for him. Especially if you’ve twice initiated sex, then later when he initiated you said no - it probably comes across as mixed messages and power play from you. I’m not saying you should say yes I’m just trying to get you to see why he reacted the way he did.

If you really want this to work then you and he need to be able to talk about this outside of the bedroom in a calm and rational way and in a way where you both feel supported rather than attacked. Relate can offer sessions over the phone. I think this is a communication issue that can be tackled.

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow thanks for
Your reply
Yes I do understand that perspective and he's definitely feeling that way . I will look into Relate because communication is a big issue - he struggles to express his emotions and I'm almost too good at it so he ends up getting sweary and heated . He needs to understand though that the threat of him getting shitty when I'm not up for it is a massive turn off

He's gone for a pint after work which doesn't help - he could have come straight home , had dinner together and tried to make friends 🥺

I think if your communication styles are different and if he feels like you are able to outmanoeuvre him on an emotional level then maybe consider just really laying things out simply.

Let him know that sex is off the table when the kids are awake, sex is off the table when you've had a big dinner or you don't feel it on a Wednesday because that's a busy day or you don't feel up for it if you have been fighting (I'm just making stuff up now but you see what I mean) ..... say if he instigates sex during these times he may be rejected, not because you don't find him desirable but because you aren't feeling sexy at these times.

And list the circumstances that you do want to have sex ... When you've spent time together, when you feel appreciated, when you feel close to him. When you've carved the time out to spend in that way.... Maybe start off with that....

If you like early morning sex then add that in. I think you need to start communicating on a very clear , straightforward way because things are starting to spiral in a direction that isn't good. You need to pull it back to a much more respectful place, and quickly.

If you want to try to communicate better, have a look online at nonviolent communication.. it's a technique for communicating better, absolutely nothing to do with violence.

The experts explain it better than me, try

www.clearerthinking.org/post/2019/03/06/want-to-improve-your-relationships-try-nonviolent-communication-1

cupofempathy.com/marianne/

Good luck

@ml656 that's really good advice thank you - we've lost touch and things are so different now to what they used to be -it's about adapting and growing together so need to be on same page

@Defiantly41 great video ! I'm very mindful of how I talk to the kids and the language I use to express myself so should make an effort to be more like it with dh - not patronising him but to help Him better understand my feelings , rather than a heated exchange and then off with our busy days . We did talk tonight and his behaviour comes down to feeling unwanted and like he's done something wrong , I've expressed my feelings of anger and sadness at being spoken to with such disrespect.
Now things are settling down a bit with the kids we need to work on being a couple rather than 2 people that live together and co-parent together . Going to see if I can get mum to babysit at the weekend and try to go on a date x