giving & receiving pressies

[amimean]

I'll definitely change my name for this one.
I do tend to take things too seriously, I suppose, but my dd has just had her b'day, and from our friends/aquaintences in the area, she received no pressies at all, even though I have bought all of their kids a birthday present when it was their birthday. Many did have parties, but most we didn't go to, either because we were away or whatever. We were away for dd's b'day too, but back shortly after.

Maybe I'm too mean to mention, but I feel annoyed (for me & my finances - one family, who I thought were good friends, I've bought both kids plus mum pressies, but poor dd gets sod all) but also for dd's behalf. Luckily she's too young to know or care.

I'm not a terribly out-going person - I try to be firendly & sociable but am quite shy. I hate the tought of a party, mainly because, especially with small kids, it seems to be a blatant reuest for presents. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong? But also, I don't really feel terribly close to many people, although have many 'friends' (ie acquaintences) - we've lived in the area a couple of years, so I'd not feel confident about inviting them.

Oh, and her godmother, very carefully chosen, also forgot her birthday - for the second year in a row. Not even a card. I feel so hurt and annoyed. I don't feel I can say anything. Is it possible to divorce godparents and get new ones in??
Can anyone spare a couple of minutes on this (relatively monir) problem for me.

How sad that your dd did not receive any presents from anyone. To me that is so rude and thoughtless. When you invite someone to a party you should always bring some kind of presents no matter how small. I know I would never ever dream of going to a childs party and not give them something. You are perfectly right to feel the way you do. I dont think I would say anything to the people you invited and dont know a whole lot. As much as I would be annoyed I would not grin and bear it but I would defanatly say something in a nice way to the godmother. Especially if you know each other well and shes like family.

How old is your dd?

Thanks for replying threeangels. Just to clarify, we didn't actually have a party for her birthday, as we were away. So is that it - your kids only get presents if you give a party? Like I said, we still got pressies for other people's kids even though we didn't go to the parties. I'll also begrudge, I'm sure, buying the same kids presents next year, all the while thinking that they didn't buy dd anything. I hate feeling this mean & petty, but I really feel annoyed about it.

Does everyone throw parties for thier kids? Does everyone buy & receive gifts for all thier mates' kids? Am I the only sad git in this position??

Sorry Amimean, I was thinking you had a party for your dd. To be truthful I dont really worry about presents unless My child goes to the childs b-day party. Most of her friends do since their around the age of 9-10. I never though worry unless shes having a party.

Sympathies, this must be infuriating and I don't think you're mean at all. BUT and I'm afraid it's a big but I am coming to believe that the big divide amongst humankind is not male/female, rich/poor, clever/stupid etc but rather forgetful/unforgetful. Me, I'm forgetful, the sort of person who looks at an angry closed face in sheer panic thinking- what have I forgetten, uh oh uh oh damnation must be a birthday when on earth was it help help help sorry sorry sorry. The only way I can keep track of my friend's birthdays is if they tell me about them over and over again. As for my friends' childrens' birthdays. Well, frankly they're gonna have to forgo presents unless they have a birthday party and invite my kids (and remind me to underline it 476 times in my diary). Because it will slip my mind no matter how much I love them. And I do.
So what I'm saying is basically lots of people out there are pretty awful with this sort of thing. It's not great and causes me personally a lot of shame. I am trying to change! But it does happen and I think having a party is possibly the only way round it...

Amimean - I also wanted to add that even if there isnt a party my family members do still buy presents for the kids.

To answer you're later Qs amimean, I only buy presents if my kids are attending the party or if it's the child of a very close friend. On the receiving side of things I never really notice who gives what. They get showered with such shedloads of rubbish (and good stuff too!) around xmas and birthdays that I can't keep track of who provided what... Did have a party for their 3rd birthday (they're twins) and just invited a few of their best mates. It was great. I don't think anyone took it as a request to buy them gifts and a good time seemed to be had by all. Maybe a smaller party would suit you and dd too, if the whole idea is a bit scary?

Amimean-I think you're completely normal. I am the first in a group of school/uni friends to have kids and TBH my friends wouldn't even consider sending cards etc.. That said I think it's a bit useless of her godmother, our priest always makes a point of saying that if you don't manage the moral guidance part you should make doubly sure youi send pressies! Does she take an interest in your dd otherwise? Perhaps you can remind her of the forgotten b'day in conversation, and see what she says? DS1's godfather forgot his b'day one year but he had just split up with his fiance, 2 months before the wedding, so not a surprise, and next time he came to visit he bought him a gorgeous wooden fireengine as a belated present.

That said FIL and DH's brother completely ignore our kids' existence let alone b'days. I take this very badly...

amimean - I would separate these two issues and agree that it is very sad for your daughter's godmother to forget her birthday.

However, I have to agree with other comments & do feel that children get FAR too many presents, personally I would not give a child a present, apart from godchildren & family, unless we went to a party. When my DS was one we had a small party & those invited did bring a gift, but other friends also sent presents. I am afraid I did not send them presents back for their birthdays - I do send a card though.

Hi there, this struck a chord with me too. I have only lived in this area for a couple of years, and haven't held a party for ds as our house isn't big enough and also I don't really know enough people that I really would like to invite. When I used to go to a NCT morning, all the other kids had first and second parties, ds went to a couple of them, but not all, however I felt obliged to buy them all a present. When ds's birthday came round, no party and about half the group remembered. I wasn't offended, just made a mental note to reduce present giving next birthdays and only give them to his actual friends he see's.I don't feel bad about not giving ds parties with friends, we always have a family party, nursery make a little cake with him, and we always take him out on his birthday somewhere special as a treet. To me, thats good enough and he certainly enjoys it. When he's older though I would probably do one for him (he's not yet 3) but will cross that bridge then.
IMO I wouldn't make a fuss of it, mention to his godmother or friends that it was his birthday and see if they say anything. If the godmother realises she's fogotton, perhaps you could say 'oh its fine, he dosen't really understand at his age, but it would be lovely if you could remember next year'?? Hope that helps and I do completely understand!
Jessi

I only buy presents if my kids go to the party, or for a very special close friend (especially if ds or dd were invited to their party but couldn't go).

As to having parties - we've had them for ds every year since he was 2. We didn't have one for dd when she was 2 because we were away, but we went to the zoo with Grandma instead, which she enjoyed - she didn't seem to mind not having a party. However she will be 3 this November and very very definitely wants a party this year (she's been constructing guest lists and changing her mind about what cake she wants since July). Both children adore parties, so whether we like them or not we're stuck with them. (Actually we've just had ds's 5th birthday party and it went really well - quite enjoyable even.)

This brings up a question that I have. (Sorry to hijack your thread Amimean!) We have some friends of friends, who we know quite well, but don't see very often. I sent a present to their dd for her first birthday, but they didn't send ds one for his. They sent a card though, so I thought, 'That's fine, I'll do the same for their dd's birthday this year, as they obviously don't want to get into the present giving thing' (no problem, except that I felt a bit silly having sent her a present last year!)

Anyway, they have now invited ds to her 2nd birthday party. This is lovely, and I am really looking forward to it. However, I now don't know what to do about a present. Do you think that a little present would be acceptable, as I don't want to embarrass them if they don't want to do presents! I suppose that the party means that I HAVE to give a present, as they have done us the honour of inviting ds? I am not worried about doing this, but merely want to save embarrassment all round.

Scummymummy you have expressd my viewpoint brilliantly. I too am totally forgetful and it is getting much worse since I had kids.
My mind is just so full of things relating to work/kids/home that I just don't have room mentally for all the other friperies in life like remembering my sisters' kids birthdays.
Amimean, no you are not mean, just much more organised and thoughtful than the likes of me

Tricky one, chinchilla. It was nice of you to send a present last year but maybe they generally, like so many others on this thread, only do presents at parties.

I think you should take something for their dd's party but nothing lavish. (One of my favourite and easiest little presents is socks or tights, there are such lovely ones now and they don't have to cost a lot.)

BTW, amimean, no, you aren't, but like most of the others on here I have generally only given presents to friends' children at parties, and vice versa, but I've never thought of parties as a blatant request for presents - just that the 2 go together. (My dds' birthdays are in April and their presents have on occasion included a Smarties Easter egg, and one of my DS1's friends, who is quite neglected, turned up at one of his parties without even a card, but it didn't matter because it wasn't the point of the party.) I don't think anybody is ignoring your dd and I think it's lovely of you to have remembered all their birthdays - like scummymummy I am very likely to forget without a nudge.

Your dd will be 3 next time? That's quite a good age for a first, small party - as Azzie says, her dd definitely wants a party and yours may well too - if you can't stand the idea of organising it all at home, there are lots of places where it's done for you, and I bet she and you will enjoy it (you more when it's all over. Invite her godmother and get some wine in!)

Chinchilla, in your situation I would go and take a small present, under £5. IME people usually do only bother with presents for kids if they're going to see them on the day/go to a party. I'd like to think that if my sisters had kids I'd remember but I wouldn't guarantee it. Trying to think whether they've always remembered my ds's birthdays though and I think they have.

To amimean, no you're not! BUT, and it's a big but, I generally don't buy presents for friend's children unless I'm going to a party: it just wouldn't cross my mind and I couldn't possibly remember them/be organised enough to write them all down anyway, as others have said. I'd like to think that if I was a godparent (unlikely, I'm not religious) that I'd try to remember though. But maybe I wouldn't. So, I'd do whatever you feel you want to do for other people's childrens birthdays: if you want to buy a present fine, but don't necessarily expect reciprocation maybe?

message withdrawn

amimean - no, definitely not! Thoughful and generous, yes. I don't blame you for beingcheesed off but Iagree that mostpeople probably forgot rather than couldn't be bothered.

On the party front, I once read that one friend for each year that is being celebrated is a good idea - that way numbers are managable. Unless dd absolutely insists on a party I intend to do what my cousin did with her two and invite a friend or two out for a special day-trip.

Agree with all this really - only give (small, i.e. around £5) presents if going to the party. All dd's friends have had parties though and she has been to them all so it's cost me a small fortune. If she's not going to the party or there isn;t a party I would just send a card though - some of dd's siblings are too young for parties so they have just had a card.

Amimean - I agree it would have been nice if they had at least sent a card, but wouldn't take it personally, maybe next time you could have a small party at a children's farm or playbarn or something similar. At least that way it's quite easy for you. Definitely agree about the godparent though. Dd's godmother is pretty useless actually as well which p*es me off no end. Her other godmother has now divorced her godfather and is not in touch so she did pretty badly in the godmother stakes. Ds on the other hand has three wonderful godparents - so I feel very guilty for having asked the wrong people first time round. Perhaps next time you talked to her you could just mention what a lovely time dd had on her birthday and mention some long lost cousin who HAD remembered - just to rub it in a bit!

thanks for taking the bother to reply. re the 'friends' well, i see what people mean I suppose, but what happens if people have birthdays at unfortunate times of the year eg Christmas. A birthday party would be pretty impossible at this time. Is the child and also the parents condemed to buy presents for all & sundry throughout the year and never get the fun for themselves? What do families in this situation do?

Re the godmother, I 'phoned her & she asked after dd. I said ooh yes, she's getting so big now, and she had a lovely birthday - something along those lines anyway! And she didn't bat an eye lid, and hasn't sent a happy belated birthday card or anything. So I suppose I need to either say something outright or give up on it. I think it's so sad. Maybe I'm seeing everything too seriously at the mo.

You've just reminded me that I've forgotten one of my friend's kids birthdays !!!

Due to this thread, I had a dream last night that I'd forgotten my friend's baby's 1st birthday (it's not until next June! )

Just asked said friend who reminded me that I was at his party!!!!!

amimean,

My birthday falls between Xmas and New Year (and I have never forgiven my parents for such thoughtlessness and lack of planning). It is a horrible time to have a birthday because all your friends are away, you nearly always get your presents wrapped up in Xmas paper, and lots of things that you might want to go to on your birthday are either closed or fully booked. I could go on....

When I was a child I used to have an 'official' birthday (like the Queen) in the summer and have my party then.

My birthday is Christmas Eve and over the years I have accepted with friends (especially around college times or other hard times) for them not to worry with the birthday present, although my family have always bought me seperate small presents but one for my birthday and one for Christmas, its such an expensive time for everyone. When a lot of children were born into the family from our family and my mums sisters family we decided to buy only for the children at Christmas which has cut down the costs a lot.