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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's behind this..

27 replies

Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 09:04

I'll try and give some examples of things my dp does...

Long standing relationship, not looking like we will progress which is my main issue..
I said something ONCE and he jumps from, I feel humouring me to throwing this ONE time remark I made as his reason why we can't do it (basically using me as the reason)

He says 'you think things up and use them like they are fact'..

Says things that make no sense to anyone I've spoke to but he is adamant that he's right, entitled to his thoughts and if I see it that way he can't help that.

So.. I recorded our last convo a few weeks back regarding our future issue. I know some will not agree with that but sometimes you need to prove to yourself you aren't going mad. After an argument last night he throws in that due to my ONE comment that's why nothings happened.. I get cross and say he's like a dog with a bone and is portraying his own feelings onto me.. It goes on and he starts saying it isn't a fact.. denying bits which is when I lose my tempet and throw in I recorded him.. Of course he said it was weird but still wouldn't back down.
He repeats as well such as 'you weren't there, you weren't there, you weren't there' to stop me talking about something he obviously doesn't want to..

Sure there's more but?

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 27/10/2020 09:11

Walk away. He's gaslighting you with a side order of projection to keep you on permanent hold so he gets what he wants but blocks you getting your needs met.

He'll drive you crazy of you let him stick around. Look - it's started already. Someonwho loves you doesn't weasel around until you feel the need to record what they say to prove your sanity to yourself.

His games won't stop. There are nicer, more straightforward characters out there. Give up and tell him you're looking for someone open, honest and kind and he's repeatedly scored zero.

Dery · 27/10/2020 09:14

What @NewlyGranny said.

Backtoblack1 · 27/10/2020 09:15

Gaslighting!!!

NewlyGranny · 27/10/2020 09:17

By the way, I think you're asking the wrong question. You could spend years trying to figure out what's behind his behaviour and never work it out, couldn't you? And if you did, it wouldn't change him!

The question I think matters more is one you ask yourself: What am I getting out of this relationship and is it enhancing my life having him in it?

Try reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft if you really want to be enlightened about how controlling men think. It will give you the clarity you need to help you decide what YOU want.

category12 · 27/10/2020 09:18

If you're at the stage you need to record him, you're starting to lose sight of the fact the relationship is buggered. Just end it. You're beginning to go off the deep end.

Save your own mental health and split up with him. Gaslighting is crazy-making.

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 09:26

Thanks all, I'm pretty sure that's what you'd all say.
It's funny because a few weeks ago we watched something, discussed it and I said 'he's clearly gaslighting her'.. Nothing said until a few weeks later and randomly I said something completely innocent and he meant in a jokey way (but still said it) said 'are you gaslighting me'.. I found it odd and just looked at him confused.

What do I get out of him..
Reliability (apart from a future)
He's loving, kind, has never let me down, funny..i could go on, more pros than cons.. But this is enough to make you wonder who is he really?
I feel very confused and upset really.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/10/2020 09:32

You are being gaslighted by him and that is a particularly nasty form of pyschological abuse designed to question your own reality.

Re your comment:-

What do I get out of him..
Reliability (apart from a future)
He's loving, kind, has never let me down, funny..i could go on, more pros than cons.. But this is enough to make you wonder who is he really?
I feel very confused and upset really.

A truly loving and kind man would not do this let alone leave you feeling confused and upset. You cannot any other pros re him either (probably because you cannot think of anything else). There's nothing there about feeling loved and actually respected.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this man the sort of man you envisaged for yourself?.

Such men do not change, all you can do going forward now is to end the relationship before you get ever more overinvested in and hurt. These abusive types take time also, perhaps even years, to recover from.

isthismylifenow · 27/10/2020 09:33

He says 'you think things up and use them like they are fact"

My exdp's favorite line.....

entitled to his thoughts and if I cant see it that way he can't help that

This one too.

My ex was never ever wrong about a thing. Even the break up was my fault as he could not possibly have done a thing wrong. He had an answer for everything and always had to have the last word.

I would think long and hard about the pro's and cons of this relationship.

ILoveYoga · 27/10/2020 09:46

OP, if there is no future, be kind to yourself and end it rather than continuing to invest in a relationship that is not going to go anywhere, or anywhere where you want it to go.

I think I may be one if a minority on some aspects of how men behave. I’m married 30 years though and this is where my (limited) experience comes from

My husband some times “gas lights” me in that he would say he didn’t say something or something wasn’t as we agreed. I would tell him, “No, this is what we said/agreed.” So I started to write some things down. I would also reiterate what we agreed/said. If he started to disagree, I’d bring it back up and also what I wrote down.

After our talking about these instances, turns out he has conversations in his head with himself and then later thinks this is what we agreed or talked about.

We also had situations where I’d make plans or decisions based on things we talked about/agreed, and later he’d say, “well, you can’t hold me to something I said x years/weeks/months ago, because things change.” To which I’d counter that we’d need to talk again about the matter if things had changed FOR HIM but not for me. Working these things out, high lighting that he needs to talk to me about his thoughts, has really helped our communication. We sit down and discuss diary planning, financial planning (which includes holidays, cars and home improvements type stuff) and yes, we write down our plan in the short and long term. How much of this is because of our ages (50’s) that we forget or because it’s what is needed so we both remember what we agreed rather than what we THINK it was some time after the fact.

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 09:47

Attilla there are a lot of pros, I guess I don't see much point putting them down as feel fed up..

Isthis yes it's very frustrating and you can't win, even if you're right.. Which due to the recording I kmow I am.. Childish right but??

Years of happiness that is now turning into shit because he seems to think its OK to play mind games🙁

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 27/10/2020 09:49

Hmm, so he's allowed to think thoughts and have them respected, but you're not. I think his problem with you could be summed up in the first two words of his you quote: "You think."

He doesn't seem at all comfortable with someone who thinks for herself!

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 09:51

I live yoga thanks.. Yes you're right and at points of being together he's got better at seeing things.. Unfortunately the bigger issue seems to be firmly unmovable
I once sent him a message that he read as the literal opposite.. I wa shocked at the reply and confused.. I simply replied.. I think you need to read th e message again..queue an apology and that he mis read it.. I can 100% say it wasn't misread able.. Makes me wonder what he's thinking??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 09:53

Newly.. I spent my last relationship waiting around.. Let things fester and build up, promised myself I wouldn't do it again and I don't.. Its taken a while for us to be able to even argue about it as he'd just need time to think how to reply --sulk till he was ready-

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/10/2020 10:05

He repeats as well such as 'you weren't there, you weren't there, you weren't there' to stop me talking about something he obviously doesn't want to..
My ex did this too to avoid talking about his affair. All of the things you describe are tactics to avoid having a proper discussion with you. It's all distraction and confusion. He doesn't want a future with you, so he doesn't want to talk about it.

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 10:20

Raven this

It's all distraction and confusion. He doesn't want a future with you, so he doesn't want to talk about it.

Spot on.. Sadly

OP posts:
purringpaws · 27/10/2020 10:22

How old are you both? Are there kids involved ?

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 10:47

40's, no kids involved.. Should be easy hey!

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 27/10/2020 10:53

This relationship is toxic. You're getting into the dangerous cycle that I did with my abusive ex where you become desperate to "win". Walk away.

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 11:12

Spark I don't want to win..i want this man who thinks the supposed absolute world of me to show it by not confining me to his wants.. I know I'm wasting my time

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 27/10/2020 11:16

@Sheop14

Spark I don't want to win..i want this man who thinks the supposed absolute world of me to show it by not confining me to his wants.. I know I'm wasting my time
I get that. But things like recording him to 'make sure you're not going crazy' and so you can show it to him because he can't argue with an actual recording is not healthy. It is a 'win' and a way of 'beating' his gaslighting.

It's horrible when they're not what you want them to be. It sounds like he's changed? That's even worse Sad It leaves you missing the relationship you had, but in all honesty it's unlikely you'll ever get it back.

The 'you weren't there, you weren't there, you weren't there' reminds me of a toddler going 'lalalalalala I'M NOT LISTENIIIIIIIIIIIING'

ravenmum · 27/10/2020 11:21

I didn't record my exh but I did get to the point where I wrote down the conversation to attempt to show him what he had said and how we got to that point. It is a sign of the crazy making.

Just being alone, or with a normal person you can talk to properly is bliss.

Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 12:13

Normally alone with him I love.. We have great conversation, get on brilliantly, this future convo is the stopping changing point, it's sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheop14 · 27/10/2020 14:23

Sparkl didn't see this post..

The 'you weren't there, you weren't there, you weren't there' reminds me of a toddler going 'lalalalalala I'M NOT LISTENIIIIIIIIIIIING'

Yes spot on, you're right it is..childish.
Ive a message compiled to send later and I've as much put that regarding that part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheop14 · 28/10/2020 09:07

Well I sent him a message last night, the norm would be to ignore for ages or read and then ignore.. Surprisingly he read and replied straight away, I suspect this is because it was too long to scroll down. Anyway he ignored the important bits, told me I need to stop telling him how he thinks and that I said x y and z so that's that. He did put at the end a nice part, I assume to butter me up and hope I'd forget the crappy rest of it?

I'm furious and obviously very upset.
Firstly I never tell him what he's thinking? .. Secondly repeating something to distract as posted above is absolute crap and gets us nowhere. I've ignored and have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 28/10/2020 16:20

Sounds like he couldn't even be bothered to read the message - 'too long to scroll down'?

OP there isn't anything left to say after a response like that. There's pretty much no option but to ignore it. Then eventually he'll get in touch and either pretend nothing has happened or accuse you of sulking. And then you either forget it and carry on until it happens again or you say we need to talk, this isn't working.

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