In danger of ruining relationship

[anxiousannabelle]

I'm 30, bf a couple of years older, have been together nearly 2 years. The relationship has moved slowly but that's because we are both fairly avoidant - the first year was very light hearted and fun and it was only once we'd past the year mark that either of us let our guards down and we became emotionally intimate.

I am finding myself feeling very anxious about the future. I have discussed it with him and he says he sees/wants a future with me and wants to work towards settling down. We are doing this, but slowly, as that's what we feel comfortable with - we are well matched in that way. I certainly don't see marriage or kids for at least a few years yet.

The problem is, I feel very insecure and keep wanting to talk about the future and get more reassurance from him. From his point of view, he has said he wants a future and has shown that he is making an effort to work towards it (becoming more intertwined in each other's lives etc) and that's that, yet I'm still not happy.

This goes back to childhood wounds when my dad left my mum, and also probably has something to do with the fact that I'm 30 and don't want to waste my fertile years with someone who won't commit. I have a fear of others leaving so it's kind of like unless I have certainty/exactness eg my boyfriend says 'yes I will marry you in 2 years and we will have kids in 3 years' I don't believe that he really is committed.

Any ideas how to get over this? He is getting fed up of me looking for reassurance and it is making him feel like he is not good enough, which is not the case at all, and the pressure I am putting on him is taking the fun out of our relationship.

In my experience of a man wanting a future with me they don't mess around and there is no confusion. I'd say he is stringing you along.

Op you can’t force someone to commit to you. All you do is drive them away,

Bottom line is he’s not willing to commit yet, you want that commitment now Ie yes I will marry you, if you can’t stop yourself trying to force it then the relationship is over

You need to be capable of providing your own reassurance. It's not his job.

And I don't believe that you would suddenly feel unequivocally secure if he did say those things. You'd still have the same fears about him changing his mind or leaving anyway, so you'd go straight back in the same cycle of expecting him to constantly reassure you.

It's understandable you would have a fear of abandonment but that's your issue to address. Maybe look at reading up on complex trauma and/or take up therapy with someone with the appropriate expertise.

If you don't heal your own wounds and learn to self-worth and reassure yourself, nobody else will ever be able to pour enough comforting words over you for you to feel secure. Whoever you're in a relationship with, however much commitment they throw at you, and whatever they say.

On your comment about "wasting your fertile years on someone who wont commit" , there is possibly a separate issue about whether this particular relationship is a bit codependent or otherwise unhealthy and whether long term it is right for you.

@FlatScreenTV01

In my experience of a man wanting a future with me they don't mess around and there is no confusion. I'd say he is stringing you along.

Hang on that’s unpleasant. It’s perfectly fine not to want to commit to marriage and kids at this stage, it doesn’t mean he is stringing her along

Exactly how many men have committed to you then?

In my experience of a man wanting a future with me they don't mess around and there is no confusion. I'd say he is stringing you along. And yet if a man wants to jump straight into commitment it’s considered lovebombing and a red flag.

Way to go to tell someone who is irrationally insecure that she’s right and he’s actually stringing her along...

@FlatScreenTV01

In my experience of a man wanting a future with me they don't mess around and there is no confusion. I'd say he is stringing you along.

This has been one of my fears after reading many posts on mumsnet, but he's never given me a reason to doubt him about anything else in the past so surely I should take his word for it? I'm not asking for commitment (marriage) right now, just that we can work towards it in the future, which he is in agreement with. My anxious nature and need for control mean that I want it all planned out which just isn't realistic at this stage in our relationship when we have only recently become emotionally intimate.

But op wanting it all planned out is wanting commitment now.

@Bluntness100

But op wanting it all planned out is wanting commitment now.

Has he not already given some commitment by saying he wants a future and showing that in his actions? It doesn’t sound like OP even knows a timeframe herself for the marriage, kids.

OP if you have only recently started to be emotionally intimate do you think it might be a bit soon to be trying to make plans with defined time limits? Has the relationship grown enough for that?

I don’t think I’d say it’s a commitment to say he wants a future with her, not in the way the op wants a commitment no. She wants him, as she said in her first post to say he will marry and have kids with her and roughly when.

In my experience of a man wanting a future with me they don't mess around and there is no confusion. I'd say he is stringing you along

Its a possibility. But don't ask him. The more you ask the less you'll probably know.

In general men are often drawn to chase moving targets, who they think by definition are moving out of their grasp because it is of greater value. Its ego, pure and simple. They chase it because everytime they get close their ego is rewarded. Sexist nonsense, yep indeed, but unfortunately men have some catching up to do.

Never encourage a man to feel more secure than the security he offers you. How you do this is up to you. But keep asking for commitment isn't working, because it won't work, if it did you would not be asking for advice.

My advice would be to be busy, plan stuff, don't ever sit around. Take time out from spending time with him. Be your normal self, but be less emotionally and physically available to him. You'll have your answer far sooner than any amount of "we need to talk" talks.

OP it sounds like you are more anxiously-attached than avoidant. This In combination with an avoidant partner can be torture (I speak from experience). As others have said read up on adult attachment styles because I think your answer lies there rather with any reassurance he can give - which will never be enough.

@cheezy

OP it sounds like you are more anxiously-attached than avoidant. This In combination with an avoidant partner can be torture (I speak from experience). As others have said read up on adult attachment styles because I think your answer lies there rather with any reassurance he can give - which will never be enough.

Yes I think I am actually fearful-avoidant which means I have traits of both anxious and avoidant. Right now my anxious side has been seriously activated.

@MiddleAgedLurker

I think it's quite common not to be on the same page at the same time when it comes to marriage. If your expectations are different, it can be very tricky. It does not mean that you are not compatible though or that he has any doubts about you. You sound ready for more commitment than he does, but he is not ready to give it. However it sounds like he could feel ready in the future, and I understand your need to have some idea of a timescale. Could you make yourself drop the subject to take the pressure off him, perhaps making a private agreement with yourself to address it again in a given period? For example 6 months or a year? And then during that time focus on enjoying yourself together and and building your relationship while keeping away from the heavy conversations? It is perfectly acceptable to feel that you want commitment, but as he is not ready yet there is a risk that you will push him away. However your needs are equally important. You have told him how you feel which is great, and his response sounds positive. Hopefully he will catch up within a time frame that is acceptable to you

Thank you, this sounds like a good plan. In the meantime I think I need to get some therapy so sort my anxiety out before I ruin the relationship.