Getting back with ex, how to "take things slowly"?

[bibbidybobbidyboo]

University boyfriend, together for 6 very happy years until he broke up with me out of the blue "to find what he wanted in life" and stomped on my heart in the process. I went totally NC for 2 years, did all the cliché self discovery things, (got into running, progressed in career, travelled, dated). Grew a LOT but never really felt "over" him. Finally agreed to see him again recently and to my surprise he makes a huge declaration, apologises for everything, tells me he fucked up, says that I'm the love of his life, that he will do whatever it takes to get me back etc, reveals that he's been to therapy and some a lot of self reflection. I was shocked and skeptical at first but after seeing him a few more times I'm starting to believe him and starting to consider giving him a chance.

The dilemma: every rational part of me knows that I should take things very slowly & that its not wise to rush back to exactly how things were. That I need to take my time to make sure this is what I want, to rebuild the trust, to make him prove he means it. BUT I've got no clue how to do that in practice. I've only ever had two settings for him - full on boyfriend or zero contact, so now he's back in my life I'm not sure how to handle it.

How do you test the waters of a new relationship with an ex without immediately falling back into the same emotional intimacy, frequency of contact that you had before? How slow is slow? Any advice from anyone who has been there would be much appreciated.

Shag him

Think really hard about what you are doing.
Don't shag him. Make him grovel for at least six months.

I really wouldn't bother. Look forward, not back.

When he broke up with you was he cold and uncaring or did he try to be kind about it?
If it's the former I wouldn't even go there. If it's the latter can you try to frame this as an entirely new relationship rather than a resumption of your previous one?

@OhamIreally he was kind, just in a bit of an emotional mess himself and lacking the maturity to process his own feelings & communicate them properly to me etc. He was also very respectful of my desire for space & no contact.

I think you're right about reframing the relationship, but I can't imagine how it will work in practice - how often should I see him, how often should we message, what pace do we go at... It's a minefield!

Maybe treat it like friendship at first. Go on dates, get to know each other again. Neither of you will be the same people you were 2 years ago after no contact, growing a little older and gaining that self discovery. Treat it as though he's a new date as you may get a few dates in and realise you don't actually want him as a bf anymore. Everyone changes and grows so it's perfectly ok to realise that.

Finally agreed to see him again recently and to my surprise he makes a huge declaration, apologises for everything, tells me he fucked up, says that I'm the love of his life, that he will do whatever it takes to get me back etc

If you'd just bumped into each other I would be more inclined to say give it a go but what you've said above changes that for me.

You've held the relationship on a bit of a pedestal as you say you've never gotten over him.

He's got you on a pedestal now, declaring his undying love for you and promising the world.

That's not to say he doesn't mean that, but it's a hell of a lot to live up to and I think when relationships start back up with big declarations and heart to hearts like this it's too intense a start and means you're both unable to really be yourselves and gradually get to know each other to see if you click.

You've both romanticised each other and will be trying to be your 'best selves' rather than being who you would be if you met someone new ie yourself now, not yourself from the past or from the other persons' dreams / memories / pedestals.

It's very tricky to navigate. Been there and it didn't work - he had remembered me as this perfect person that he couldn't believe he let go etc but I'm not perfect and I started to feel smothered as he thought that him saying sorry and wanting me so much again meant that we would automatically be great.

We weren't as I couldn't be myself due to the expectations and he couldn't be himself due to him trying to be on best behaviour all the time. Massively turned me off and he was very upset it didn't work.

Tread carefully!

I wouldn't. He'll stomp on your heart again and really shatter it this time.

@newnameforthis123 thanks for your response and for sharing your experience. It's not necessarily easy to hear but I think you're spot on in terms of the worries about the pedestal, that does seem to be what he's doing at the moment. I did say to him that I'm not perfect and that I've also changed a lot in the last two years but he's adamant that he still wants to give us a shot. Rationally I know it's a huge risk & could easily end up how you describe. Emotionally I feel so tempted though, it's not easy to ignore when this is all I wanted for such a long time