Moral dilemma.

[firewalkeruk]

My DW and I have 3 grown sons all with their own families.
My middle boy has two young sons 10 and 6 while the eldest and youngest son have both sons and daughters.
My dil has persuaded our son to start fostering with a view to adoption.
I have concerns with regards to her reasons for doing this and her expectations.
She is a very volatile personality and some of her behaviour is worrying to say the least.
The have moved home 13 times in the last 12 years once three times in one year. Currently she is planning to renew their vows but it is turning into a second wedding with dress, reception photographer, cars and some of her family and friends flying in from as far away as Canada.
She has unrealistic attitudes towards money and our son has already had to finance her bankruptcy case and carries almost all the financial burden.
We their boys were younger my wife and I had to sit with her if our son had to work evenings or weekends and our son is responsible for the large majority of childcare.
She had a job one night per week at a care home and their children were farmed out to us and her parents the day before and the day after her shift so she could get enough sleep.
Now she expects to get a young girl, 3 to 5 years old, to foster with a view to adoption. She has already created a pink room in preparation of this event.
My issue is that I have been asked to provide a reference and I know she expects me to support her aims if I fail to do so there will be repercussions which will affect my relationship with my son.
I cannot bring myself to give the authorities a distorted view and my conscience will not allow me to be false to myself.
I feel caught on the horns of a dilemma that may break my son's and wife's hearts.

As the child of a step-parent and the father of step-sons I think I have a fair perspective on the issues of blending a family and loving a child which isn't genetically yours.
I feel that as I am a man asking this question many believe I am unable to love a child that isn't my sons or am just such a woman hater that I would rather blame my DIL than admit the supposed truth.
In actual fact my concerns are for a vulnerable child and I consider myself to be very tolerant of others but can't allow myself to go along with every desire because sometimes what people want isn't always for the best, even for them.
I have compressed into a few paragraphs things that have happened over many years so that may look as if I am victimising my DIL but in actual fact it has helped me focus upon the issues that have been covered up for ' the good of the family.'
Perhaps my DIL will read this and recognise herself but I haven't written anything that is untrue so it may be cathartic for her to read about herself in print.
Either way I think I have received enough advice to allow me to proceed an remain true to myself.
To all those who have posted I thank you, even for the insight into my motivation and behaviour. It has been an education.

@firewalkeruk

I feel that as I am a man asking this question many believe I am unable to love a child that isn't my sons or am just such a woman hater that I would rather blame my DIL than admit the supposed truth.

You're right on this. Men always get a hard time here...double standards is the norm.

If your wide posted, people would sympathise and surmise that your DS is in an abusive relationship.

Of course her threatening to take the kids away has made jim compliant. Look at all the abused women who stay in relationships for fear of losing their kids.

Be true to yourself with the reference.

Good luck.

Your son's wife sounds dreadful.

I think you need to actively voice your concerns over her suitability .
You sound lovely and caring.

This is a child’s life. Call in anon if possible to the foster service or social services. I don’t care if you like her or not. 2 things you posted made my mind up with no question (not to mention fostered children can already be extremely fragile and need more love attention patience just more of everything).
Volatility- foster children REQUIRE stability
Threatening to abduct your granddaughter presumably during a barney with you son. This is a little girl with a Daddy with equal parental rights. She isn’t a toy or pawn to be used

Anyway the dire financial situation should kill it pretty immediately.

However OP, you need help yourself in therapy. You’re an enabler, you’re false pretending everything is jolly and voicing nothing, and seemingly also a doormat like your son.

FWIW I think your first post was measured and very rational, it was clear from the outset that your dilemma was to do with the placement of a child into this situation not to do with your feeling about your DIL (and even here in subsequent postings you are very fair). You sound like someone who has a lot of integrity and honour.

For a fostering or adoption assessment a reference has to be obtained from both partners/spouses' families along with two friends. There are also references from work and anywhere they have worked with children whether paid or voluntary.

In England the reference is kept completely confidential unless you give permission for it to be shared. I had bad references from family members that I didn't share but did explore the areas where the concerns were raised in depth. Things like bankruptcy and that many moves would be of significant concern and would come out in the history. The pink bedroom would also cause concern as there would be questions about motivation and how the child might be expected to meet foster mum/mum's needs. I'm not sure they would agree for fostering just a girl. We had a lot of adopters only wanting girls but we explored motivation and expectations as well as whether the loss of a biological daughter was resolved.

Adoption is significantly more complex than raising a biological child and a significant number will have issues with things such as foetal alcohol disorder and attachment difficulties so what is good enough parenting for a bio child is very different.

Actually, to the op who said that not so many people want to adopt, there is a huge waiting list for parents wanting to adopt young children and SS are rightly extremely guarded about who they allow to do it.

The OP sounds like he is very realistic about his dil. In particular, SS won't like:

• dil wants a baby girl because she hasn't had a girl. She doesn't want another child, she specifically wants a baby girl to go in the pink room she's created.
• dil moves house regularly, SS don't allow anyone to foster/adopt if you have a major upheaval planned in the imminent future.
• dil is in a bad financial situation

I haven't mentioned op's son because he isn't the driver for this. He should have more sense too.

I am in the process to foster. I have been turned down to adopt once and to foster twice, all for very good (if painful) reasons.

We now all agree that we are ready to foster as a family and I have been accepted into training. However, they can say no at any point in the process and that's right. These are very vulnerable children and should never be placed with anyone who isn't in the right situation to meet their needs.

To the pp, not op!

Wow - this brought back something that I had completely forgotten.
Asked to give a reference in exactly the same circumstances, but not within the family.
I decided to put the childs needs first, and wrote a reference saying that in my opinion the person concerned , a work colleague, would be unsuitable.
There was no come back on me, everything being treated in strict confidence.

You sound like a caring person @firewalkeruk
You want to do the right thing re the adoption of a vulnerable child by someone you consider unsuitable yet you don't want to cause a rift in the family. Hopefully you will not be a referee anyway.

I would worry that you and your family and this dilemma will be recognised on here.
Northern Ireland is small.

I feel that as I am a man asking this question many believe I am unable to love a child that isn't my sons or am just such a woman hater that I would rather blame my DIL than admit the supposed truth.

You're the person who keeps banging on about being a man. I don't see that it's anything at all to do with your sex, it's just that you are letting your son off the hook for decisions which are (presumably) made jointly by him and your DIL. I imagine it would be similar if your daughter were doing the same things -- you'd be blaming your SIL and saying she went along with things.

To focus only on the adoption/fostering issue, they will not be able to be assessed with your son being a mere passenger on his wife's desire to do it -- no one will accept them as fosterers or adopters without your son being as thoroughly on board as your DIL. Also, I realise you're in NI, but assuming that fostering and adoption works along much the same lines as English/Welsh models, fostering and adoption are two pretty different things, and the usual foster-to adopt pathways would be for much younger children. The assessment process is rigorous and detailed (in terms of finances, past, psychology, health, MH, the relationship of the adopting couple, existing biological children), plus the focus is finding suitable families for children, not selecting a child for a family with strong ideas about wanting a very specific child.

Of course you should be honest on the reference.