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Relationships

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Original poster

DP gone off sex

17 replies

clarissanamechanged · 26/10/2020 13:59

Disclaimer: I wasn't sure whether to post this on Sex or Relationships, hopefully this is ok here! And I have name changed for this as it's quite personal.

For some background - I've been in a long term relationship with DP for 7 years, we were due to get married in May but have had to postpone due to Covid, we have lived together for 3 years. We are both in our early / mid thirties.

Lately, (the past 3 or 4 months,) I feel like he has completely lost his sex drive... to the point where we're currently having sex possibly once or twice a month, at most. And when we do - I guess now because of how long we haven't had sex for - it's over pretty quickly.

He's always been very considerate in bed up until now, and I had actually felt - until this started to happen - that things were getting better and better in that department, and my sex drive was increasing if anything. (Do women hit a prime at 33?!) So I'm keen to kickstart things!

I'm just not sure how to help him do that - I have been trying it on, but when I do he says he's tired or not feeling well or has eaten too much and feels bloated etc. He is a bit overweight and isn't overly happy with himself physically, but I wouldn't say he has put on lots of weight through lockdown or anything like that - his feelings about his weight doesn't solely correlate to this particular time period, and it didn't stop him sexually previously.

I'm now not even trying to initiate sex, because I'm conscious of not pressuring him - and he did make a comment, half jokingly, a few weeks ago that I was pressuring him a bit, so I've backed way off - I'm acutely aware of how I'd feel if I was the bloke and he was the woman in this scenario, and the last thing I want is to be a creep and pressure him.

However, he says nothing's wrong, and when I bring up how long it's been away from the bedroom, he just rolls his eyes and says it hasn't been that long, or makes a joke of it and changes the subject.

I don't think I have put on a significant amount of weight or anything like that - though I probably could make a bit more of an effort given the lockdown / WFH situation has stopped quite a lot of dressing up! And I know he isn't seeing anyone else. I'm just not sure how to handle this sensitively in terms of restoring our sex life to what it was. I want to be supportive of any issues he has, but also am not really ok with monthly sex for the rest of eternity with no effort to remedy.

Any advice?

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 26/10/2020 14:15

My advice would be don't marry him unless this can be resolved.

Lots of men (including my DH at one point) suffer loss of libido from low testosterone. He's pretty young for that, but it's possible and should get tested for it. Depression is another common cause, but you don't mention that as a problem.

If he's masturbating regularly that points more toward a problem in your relationship rather than something medical. Do you think he is?

slidingdrawers · 26/10/2020 14:16

I honestly think the impact Covid is having on people is far reaching and this may well be a contributing factor to what is happening to your DP. He's possibly embarrassed he feels like this.

Is he otherwise well in himself, positive, upbeat?

Are you maintaining intimacy in other ways, touching, hugging, holding hands?

Have you asked him if he would he consider pleasing you sexually?

In terms of moving forward, yes you could completely back off but that'll build resentment over time and affect your self esteem. If there is an underlying issue he needs to take ownership for managing that (whether that issue is stress, low hormone levels or porn use).

slidingdrawers · 26/10/2020 14:24

And yes, I agree, do not marry him until this is resolved.

Original poster

clarissanamechanged · 26/10/2020 14:30

Thanks for your advice guys.

I don't think he is masturbating regulary @MissConductUS - though of course I may be being naive with that - I'm sure he thinks I'm not either, and I am. But I am working from home and hardly ever out of the house at the moment, so he has much less opportunity without me around. So I don't think porn is an issue either.

@slidingdrawers - He is otherwise well in himself yeah, pretty upbeat. Covid has been a challenge for us all and there have been ups and downs, but I'd say he's in a relatively good place aside from this.

In terms of intimacy - it depends? Probably not as much as before, we were always pretty tactile. But yes, we do still hug / handhold / lie together on the sofa - though less in bed now, as I assume he feels I'd take that as an invitation.

I thought maybe, rather than outright asking him to please me sexually, if I should suggest just kissing / foreplay sessions? Maybe try to take the pressure off a bit, if he is worried about 'performing'. I know when things were escalating previously and I felt my sex drive was increasing, he mentioned a couple of times a pressure to 'perform' - referring not so much getting hard, but I think being unable to climax again if a sex session was too close to a previous session. (For example, a day or two after.)

OP posts:

slidingdrawers · 26/10/2020 14:40

I would ask him about him pleasing you or as you say, kissing +/- foreplay outside the bedroom as gives him the chance to say no.

For a well man in his 30s worried about climaxing again every few days it does seem like a chat to the GP might be in order to check hormone levels. Do you think he'd be receptive to that suggestion from you?

Original poster

clarissanamechanged · 26/10/2020 14:45

@slidingdrawers I think I'll try that to begin with and see how it goes. Maybe with a bit of zero pressure foreplay he'll realise he doesn't have much to worry about.

I don't think he'll be at all receptive to a GP trip - it's hard enough to get him to go when he's sick, and if he's too embarrassed to properly speak to me about it I can't see there being a chance he'll take it to a professional. I obviously wish he would though.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 26/10/2020 14:51

I agree, a few days is an awfully long refractory period. My DH, who is doing testosterone replacement therapy and is in his early 60's, would happily have sex twice a day if he could.

If it is hypogonadism (low T) it will increase his risk for cardiovascular disease if untreated, so it's important to get it looked at.

slidingdrawers · 26/10/2020 14:54

I hope it works out. You do need to consider the longer term implications for you and the relationship if he's not receptive to this managing this. I would make it clear (not necessarily right now but perhaps in a few weeks if there is no improvement) that this could be a deal breaker for you (if it is).

DadOfTheMoment · 26/10/2020 14:54

Man here ... sorry to say but Isuspect he is depressed and/or nervous about marrying you. We are ostriches and will avoid talking about this stuff. I would definitely not proceed with the wedding.

MissConductUS · 26/10/2020 15:00

Men who are avoidant of medical care can be a real problem. I'm a nurse and see it all the time. They think that if they don't go to the doctor they can't actually be sick. Then they come in needing a lot of treatment when just a bit would have done if received earlier, or when it's too late to do any good. It's astonishing how many men wander in with stage three or four cancer only to discover that their wives had been begging them to come in for a year.

Men need to take responsibility for their own medical issues. To DH's credit, he noticed his problem before I did, figured out what the most likely causes were and went to see his GP about it. That's how it should go.

MissConductUS · 26/10/2020 15:23

@DadOfTheMoment

Man here ... sorry to say but Isuspect he is depressed and/or nervous about marrying you. We are ostriches and will avoid talking about this stuff. I would definitely not proceed with the wedding.

This make some sense. People who want out of a relationship but don't want to be "the bad guy" by initiating the break up will sometimes passive aggressively try to get the other person to dump them. Still, most men in their 30's are too keen on sex to do it by withholding sex.

Original poster

clarissanamechanged · 26/10/2020 15:28

@DadOfTheMoment Thanks for the male perspective, which I'm actually really interested in - I honestly hadn't really thought of this. He is still affectionate, says he loves me, etc - I hadn't really doubted that, more felt it was a physical thing. We got engaged early 2018, and all was good - and our wedding has been postponed til 2022, so not really imminent anymore?

@MissConductUS I totally agree with you - think a lot of guys are (wrongly!) like this. It's a difficult topic to break him in on though!

@slidingdrawers Thanks. I do love him, and in terms of it being a dealbreaker - I think for me there's a huge difference in him having an issue he's trying or has tried to fix, even unsuccessfully, and an issue he's ignoring completely... I just want us to be able to talk about it and try things out.

OP posts:

Original poster

clarissanamechanged · 29/10/2020 13:45

So as an update - we had a good chat this morning outwith the bedroom, where he acknowledged the issue. He said he wasn't sure if it was a mental health issue relating to lockdown or something else - but he's just having no physical urges at all at the moment. He said usually if we haven't had sex in more than a few days he'd be feeling tense / worked up, but he isn't at all just now - and also the feeling of even becoming semi-aroused when brushing past etc isn't happening for him anymore.

Also, interestingly, no 'morning glory' at all during this time, which to me points to something more physical / hormonal?

He suggested himself possibly going to a GP, which reassured me a bit. Now I'm just worried there is something more serious at play.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 29/10/2020 14:03

@clarissanamechanged

Also, interestingly, no 'morning glory' at all during this time, which to me points to something more physical / hormonal?

He suggested himself possibly going to a GP, which reassured me a bit. Now I'm just worried there is something more serious at play.

Well done having the chat with him. This is difficult for a lot of men to talk about as they can see it as a failure of "manliness". The loss of libido and nocturnal erections really does point to low testosterone as the most likely cause. You can reassure him that if that's it, it's very easy to treat. My DH just rubs a bit of a clear, alcohol-based testosterone gel on his shoulder once a day and he's right as rain.

Original poster

clarissanamechanged · 29/10/2020 15:45

Thanks @MissConductUS - I will try and bring this up again for a bit of reassurance.

Is the treatment literally a fix all, or just a fix for sex drive? I've had a quick google and am now quite stressed as it has suggested low sperm count / infertility as a side effect of low testosterone.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 29/10/2020 16:36

@clarissanamechanged

Thanks *@MissConductUS* - I will try and bring this up again for a bit of reassurance.

That's a good question for his GP, but I would presume that once his testosterone levels return to normal so should his fertility, if it's even affected at the moment.

StoevPipeRules · 29/10/2020 18:35

The real plus is that you were able to talk about it and sort out what step to take, which is what you need if you're going to be married.
Plus he is going to the doctor, I find a willingness to seek medical advice very seemly in a man :)

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