Was I sexually abused by my brother? *Trigger warning*

[username108]

My brother and I would go to my Dad's house at weekends and stay over. We would get up early, I would watch tv and my brother would go on my Dad's computer. My brother found a lot of my Dad's homemade porn with his gf on there. My brother was 11, I was 9. He decided to try it out on me (I didn't understand what he was doing, so I let him) and he tried to have sex with me. I spoke to my therapist about it and she was horrified. Another therapist told me that my brother was just experimenting and was too young to really understand.

Do you think my brother knew what he was doing to me, or was he just experimenting?

Please be kind

OP, how horrible, but I would be inclined to think 11 yo didn't fully understand what is he doing.. Was it one off? Is it causing you an emotional distress now?

Oh my goodness. I’m sorry you went through this. On the one hand his awareness/ intent doesn’t take away from what he did to you. But I understand the difference it will make to you to know this. I think you need some expert help to process it all. Neither of you should have ever been in that position.

AIBU is not an obvious place to post this.

11?

Oh yes, aware enough.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I would get this thread moved to Relationships

11 is past the age of criminal responsibility (at least where I am) so no, it's not fair to stake it up to "experimentation". I'm so sorry OP, I hope you're healing.

I’m sorry you went through this. Are you close with your brother now?

Thanks all. I wasn't distressed at all by it as he didn't force things and I let him because I didn;t know what he was doing.

I think that his intent isn't necessarily the thing to focus on; what he did to you still happened, regardless of whether he knew what he was doing or not. None of the reasons why make it ok.

I had similar at the same age, but it went on for years and was entwined with violence and threats. I also got told by a counsellor that he was just experimenting, the first time I talked about it in that setting.

The next time, I spoke to a psychologist and she told me she was duty bound to report him if I told her his name, and didn't suggest that it was experimentation. Regardless of why, the impact it had on me was bad.

I'm sorry it happened to you. If you think it would be helpful to determine his reasons, go for it. I'd recommend making sure you have support if you want to explore that though.

Take care x

For me, abuse is about “has something every happened to you that shouldn’t have?” The details, culpability, forgiveness and where it sits in your head is another matter. That’s very personal to your story.

Oops, sorry, cross posted there.

Neither of you should have been put in that position. Your DF should not have left porn right in the way of an 11 year old.

11 is an age when some boys are a lot more savvy than others. Hard to say whether this should be classed as intentional abuse. But either way, he'd just been repeatedly exposed to pictures of his own father (presumably a trusted adult) doing precisely this stuff, which probably made it appear a whole lot more normal and acceptable to him than it otherwise might.

I am sorry this has happened to you. At 11 there is a huge range of how sexually aware children are and their physical and mental development. Did your brother know what he was doing was wrong? I think only he would know. Can you ask him? His response will tell you if he felt guilty or not.

He was eleven, he was a child. He was copying what he saw on the porn your father left laying around. An eleven year old child won't have any understanding of what they're doing or the consequences. Children copy what they see.

The fault lies with your father who allowed him to be exposed to unsuitable material. A child isn't responsible for what they don't have the maturity to understand.

@ReneeRol Except they are, which is why we have an age of criminal responsibility. I agree that the father behaved completely inappropriately which may have led to the behaviour, but (presuming she's in England, Wales or Northern Ireland) the age of criminal responsibility is 10.

It’s complicated OP. Your brother should never have been exposed to such content and that lies with your father. Your brother was only a child. Your father has failed you here. I’m sorry OP.

At 11, the same age my brother did similar, he knew it was wrong. Even at that age, he would have known it was ‘wrong’ on most levels.Talk to the average 11 year old and they are very aware of what is right and what is wrong. Were you to ask a load of 11 year olds, they would know it’s wrong.

Mine very much regrets it. Does yours? Have you ever brought it up? There was a thread last week where it seems horribly common.

For me it depends a little on when this was. An 11 year old today I would say would maybe be more aware. An 11 year old pre mobile phones and social media maybe not so much. I have met many 11 year olds through my work and some would know, others barely know anything, even in todays world. Are you close to your brother now? He may also be traumatised by what happened. Any child seeing their father in that way would be damaging i imagine. Any he may also be horrified if he genuinely didn't know the seriousness of what he tried to do. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What a horrible situation.

I would echo what @Willowwood45 says above

I think SurvivorSister is very wise. This is something that happened and it has affected you no matter how much intention lay behind the actions.

FWIW I would expect an 11 year to know that that sort of experimentation was wrong but not understand how much damage it could do.

I'm not suprised your therapist was horrified. The whole dynamic of inappropriate behaviour and negligence us pretty shocking.

Yes I would say that he was old enough to know what was happening and that you don't 'try out' on your own sister.

If that were me I would be no contact tbh. Sorry OP