Stalking and harassment by partners ex

[Themadcatparade]

Wasn’t sure where to post thing - legal, relationships, step parenting, etc- because the whole thing is bloody bonkers.

Basically I’m (We’re) having an Issue with my partners ex wife.

It was only a month in to the relationship when I found out she is not a nice person. Not just towards me but towards the whole population in general.

My partner has a child with her and I have one of my own. We have been together for the past two years now - he was split for some time and I was not the other woman. She has had two relationships since and is still with her latest.

Basically playing games with the child (sorry about the lingo, I just don’t want to give too much details away about his child) calling me names, child was banned from calling him ‘Dad’ for some time which we went through a horrible period where she was full of fear and wetting the bed over calling him dad. Very controlling of child, has broken the court order many times. Will not let child go on holiday With us etc and if we take child out for an activity she tries to do one better every time. She’s been at the front row at her child’s work play practically shushing and threatening the child not to look or wave to her dad in the middle row. She has booked all the tickets on offer for such things and stood at the register where parents were booking in to see if me or my partner attends. That sort of controlling. Classic narcissist Who is very good at twisting her own actions to make it look like she’s the victim. She’s been caught out lying and being awful loads and still ends up getting away with stuff.

Ex wife has targeted me now. She stalks my social media where over time I’ve had to full on lock down all my profiles and be careful of what I post. It started when she found out me and my partner was dating - where she posted a picture mimicking a ‘copy’ of one of our pictures together with the added text of ‘I see all, I know all...’ confused

Then she started mimicking other pictures too and claiming them as her own. She’s stolen my persona over time - she’s now suddenly changed her religion and become Jewish, a dancer, a hiker etc etc all in the past year. Quotes my Instagram profile ‘about’ are copied it as her own.

Mutual friends of her have noticed that she’s constantly trying to ‘outdo’ - if we go away and take some nice pictures of us on a hill, she will go with her partner and do the same on a mountain. Etc etc.

All this was funny but frustrating at first, I was half flattered until it started getting quite personal and weird. She’s done things such as bought my bedding etc and shown it off in pictures for people to see. My profiles are tight and I’ve had to get rid of loads of people off Facebook, Instagram etc because I feel like I’m constantly being spied on.

In September, she found out where I park when I drop my child off at school (it looks like by accident at first, I park in a public place where there is a shop and a petrol station. I have never in the past two years seen her there in the mornings or after school before. For the next few days it was daily, she would get out the car and make sure she was spotted by me - false laughing and hair swinging etc. My anxiety was through the roof as my child noticed too and got scared (she knows that shes a nasty person as her child is very close with mine like sisters and tells her things she has said and done).

This went on until early October when I started taking pictures of her car. I was considering going to the police over it, but wanted significant evidence of it before I did because I didn’t want to come across paranoid or like a right fool over it! Sometimes she was in her boyfriends car, and they would park and she would nip in to the shop. I know that the poor guy is oblivious to all of this. My partner went through it when he was with her - every situation manipulated and controlled, and when she was ever confronted It was an ‘I’m too nice I deny everything’ act.

The stalking at school stopped when she saw me taking pictures of her car. She has been caught out spying on my partner too when he was at the shop which was frightening to see. She also recently intimidated my best friend who’s children go to her child’s school by waving at her like a loon in the playground. I have no idea how she found out we were close friends but Saw that as another indicator she has been trying to find details about my life.

I came off Facebook last week after I’d had enough and within hours she had activated her old profile - with all her and my partners old friends and acquaintances on it - and put a photo of them on their wedding day as her profile picture sad Then deleted all the comments of everyone who questioned it and started blocking people who challenged her.

It was horrible and hurtful and my partner has been receiving messages all week wondering if we had broken up and if he was back with her. We had a weekend away this weekend to get away from it all which was lovely but it was still there looming over is.

I snapped and sent her boyfriend the picture of her profile and basically told him to get her to strap it down and that she had gone too far and that I would go to the police with these stalking pictures if she carried on. He took a day or so to reply. He doesn’t have Facebook so would haven’t known about it.

She pretty much denied the stalking and didn’t have a clue which friend I was on about and told him her account had been ‘hacked’. He also said she has been receiving flowers and cards which look like my partner had sent them. Then turned the whole thing around to make it look like she was the victim and I quote ‘she just wants to be left alone by you and your partner’ angry

I’m shaking as I write this I honestly can’t believe I’m going through this yet alone by a woman in her mid 30’s! It all sounds so petty but it’s been one too many incidents now that have been built up over time I’m still in two minds whether to go to the police about this now but knowing the sort of person she is I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a knock at the door off the police saying we are the ones who have been stalking now since I have mentioned it to them.

What do you do in this situation? I’m very happy in my life and my partner is a good person and a brilliant dad but she is like a shadow hanging over us watching our every move and it’s staring to have a huge affect on my mental health.

I'd go to the police. It sounds like she'd have no qualms about going to them and putting her spin on it.

When you said she started parking up when you dropped your child at school - does she have a child at the same school? If not then I think this adds weight to your case.

No - she takes her child to a school down the road. She stopped at the shop and petrol station sometimes twice a day. I asked my partners child what they had stopped for once, she said they went for strawberries in the morning before school and strawberries in the evening after school

I’m just so incredibly embarrassed by it all because it’s pathetic. Because it’s stopped now with the school run stalking, I’m worried the police will just turn around and not bother doing anything because it’s not happening anymore. But I know something else will crop up, it always does.

I would have a chat with the National Stalking helpine, they're really helpful and can advise on what to do and whether to contact the police.

Make a detailed timeline of all the incidents and evidence you have and record everything in as much detail as possible.

You will need it, should you decide to pursue with the police and it will also be a good thing to explain your side of the story if she's crazy enough to involve the police.

@Baileysandcream thank you that’s a great idea. I feel like I need to make sure everything is backed up as the whole thing is that nuts it’s borderline unbelievable.

I can’t believe there’s such thing as national stalking helpline

From your partner's side, I would seriously be considering making an application for residency. Refusing to let the child call her father dad? That's abuse.

Consider sending a solicitor's letter making it clear to her that each and every example of abusive behaviour (alienation from Dad, harassment of partner and therefore partner's child, breaking of court order etc) will be recorded with a view to applying for primary residency of the child as he is concerned for her wellbeing.

It would hopefully scare her enough to get her to back off, if not, I suggest he follows through. And in the meantime, every example of breaking the court order should be reported.

She needs the shit scared out of her that if she goes on like this, her parenting is going to be called into question big time.

She sounds like a complete loon!! I agree with pp about going to the police. Even if it's just to make them aware of what is going on. Preferrably ask for an officer experiencd in stalking (if that's even possible!). Ask their advice, what evidence do you need etc.

As for taking his DD on holiday, he can get permission from the courts. I had to do that because my crazy ex was behaving similarly.

I had lots of bother with ex also over contact, treatment and manipulation of DC which he was getting away with in court. In the end I realised my solicitor was the problem and got a better one. Is that something he could try? Poor poor little girl being stuck in such a horrible situation. Sending you all

This is harassment. You can file an Injunction against her for harassing YOU, the fact that she's your partner's ex-wife wouldn't change that.

Further the longer you allow, yes allow her behaviour to continue but not reporting her to the police and by not taking action; the bigger and uglier this monster will become.

She is trying to drive you away. Take control, for yourself and report her. Then get a Solicitor, instruct them and have them write to her.

Document everything and keep a timeline with evidence where you can. She is not going to back off.

It’s been awful on his daughter it really has. She didn’t let her see her dad for months after the marriage ended and he had to go to court to gain access. We have focused on making this house a stable environment for her and apart from when she spends long periods of time away, her behaviour has much improved (so something is working!)

I’m terrified of going to the police because I don’t want to cause even further issues for my partner, I’m frightened she will push it even more in regards to child contact.

He is due in court in January for the breaches of this year, and he has a list of some of the alienation examples to take with him too. However, when he received the courts documents back they put down as the issue being ‘related to child access during Covid’ which is not what the breaches were about (Covid was mentioned once). So I’m worried they aren’t going to take it too seriously.

I’ll get in touch with the stalking helpline in the first instance. I shouldn’t have held my tongue too long, but I think for a while I was questioning whether I was imagining it all (I know I’m not now) and whether people would believe me.

My mum went through this years ago where she got followed to work, hurled abuse and had her money manipulated by her fiancée ex who unfortunately worked in the tax office at the time! Her child bullied me and it was a horrible time. My mum lost her house and the relationship broke up so it was a severe case, but I think my case is bringing up too much anxieties from my time as a child.

[quote Themadcatparade]**@Baileysandcream thank you that’s a great idea. I feel like I need to make sure everything is backed up as the whole thing is that nuts it’s borderline unbelievable.

I can’t believe there’s such thing as national stalking helpline[/quote]
Great shout from @Baileysandcream I have been a victim of stalking too and it's fucking terrifying. Also you end up getting obsessed with the person stalking you in a weird way as you want to know what they're going to do next out of fear - then people say to ignore them but it's impossible to understand until you've been through it. I would also recommend the Suzy Lamplugh Trust as they are incredibly supportive too. Bloody hell poor you OP.

I have just put a report on with the Suzy lamplugh trust helpline, and the anxiety I felt writing it all down!! I think I feel slightly relieved though.

I have had the worst anxiety on the school runs in case she turns up, and it has stopped me from going shopping before etc because I’m constantly on edge thinking I’m being watched. It’s horrible.She’s driven past my partners parents house before and watched my family as she has passed, and hinted to my partner that she knows where I live and has driven to the garden centre across the road from me when it is pick up time for his child and said he can pick her up from there

We ended up putting cameras up around the house at the beginning of the year which helped.

How did your case turn out in the end @newnameforthis123 ? Did the police get involved?

Honestly you almost sound as bad as each other. If you 'locked down' your social media she wouldn't have access to any pictures. You are obviously doing plenty of SM stalking yourself to notice what she is doing. You both sound like drama Queens who are railing each other up. I mean she waved at your friend, OMG, call the police. 🙄
As others have said about the child, your partner needs to go for residency.

@Themadcatparade

I have just put a report on with the Suzy lamplugh trust helpline, and the anxiety I felt writing it all down!! I think I feel slightly relieved though.

I have had the worst anxiety on the school runs in case she turns up, and it has stopped me from going shopping before etc because I’m constantly on edge thinking I’m being watched. It’s horrible.She’s driven past my partners parents house before and watched my family as she has passed, and hinted to my partner that she knows where I live and has driven to the garden centre across the road from me when it is pick up time for his child and said he can pick her up from there

We ended up putting cameras up around the house at the beginning of the year which helped.

How did your case turn out in the end @newnameforthis123 ? Did the police get involved?

You poor thing, I totally understand how scary it is and it takes over your life a bit (or a lot).

Mine was unfortunately a neighbour who it turned out had been recording me going in and out of the flat for over a year. Then escalated to 'gifts' on the doorstep, letters saying we were in love and he was preparing somewhere for us to stay, to violent threatening letters and social media posts when I reported him. Sexually violent too which was the hardest part especially as I've been a victim of sexual violence before.

I reported, he got a warning, he didn't stop so I reported again, he got a caution, didn't stop, I reported again, he got arrested, broke bail by not stopping and on and on. Eventually it went to court and he pleaded not guilty so I was told I would need to go to court. He changed his plea on the day so I didn't have to. He got community service and a restraining order with a suspended sentence of a few years. If he contacts me again he'll go to prison, but he never has done.

The craziest thing is I have never, ever, to this day spoken one word to him. It was all in his head, completely. Not a single word out loud.

The police were brilliant - they explained each next step to me and when he said to them "she'll understand when we're properly together" they advised me to leave my home until he had gone to court which was unfortunate but I'm glad they were honest with me.

Of course your case is different dynamic wise but that is the basic process if someone won't stop. If the police do go to see her the first time to give her an unofficial warning, they should mention parental alienation and the consequences of a criminal record related to stalking and harassment of you when it comes to custody. She's risking a lot if she doesn't stop as you'd have a bloody good case to be resident parents for stability and safety.

@Tiktaktoe pathetic right?

I don’t stalk her social media, I have no interest in her. My partner gets messages off people with all this stuff she does unfortunately, because it’s that prevalent people are noticing these things. My accounts are locked down (now currently disabled) as I have wondered if we have friends in common.

It’s sounds sad and drama doesBy it, believe me I’m not wanting this, I have cut friends out of my life before due to unnecessary drama. I’m too old for it. But unfortunately it’s my situation, because she is persistent in making it so.

@newnameforthis123 I’m so sorry that happened to you how absolutely horrific!

Again with me, I have never said a word to her either to cause this, not said a bad word about her until recently when I’d had enough and told her partner to get her some help and to stop with it all.

Then she started mimicking other pictures too and claiming them as her own. She’s stolen my persona over time - she’s now suddenly changed her religion and become Jewish, a dancer, a hiker etc etc all in the past year. Quotes my Instagram profile ‘about’ are copied it as her own.

Mutual friends of her have noticed that she’s constantly trying to ‘outdo’ - if we go away and take some nice pictures of us on a hill, she will go with her partner and do the same on a mountain. Etc etc.
If you are finding out all of that from other people you need to tell them to stop stirring the pot. She sounds like a nightmare but you and your partner are feeding into the crazy and making yourselves crazy too.

I agree with you there @Tiktaktoe, I do feel like I’ve been quite consumed by it. You would if you feel like you were constantly being watched.

The social media stuff is petty and it didn’t bother me too much it was just a sad woman showing herself up and embarrassing herself. If it was just the copying pictures etc then I’d laugh it off. Then she bought my bedding and started doing strange stuff like that - and it started making me feel uncomfortable. But then it got personal where she was there when I was on the school runs and that’s when the anxiety started. That’s way too close for me now - Frightening my child too and I’m not going to sit back and take it. It’s bullying what she is doing. Trying to interfere with my own relationship and home life too, we have spent all weekend with people messaging asking my partner if our relationship had ended and he was back with his ex wife and it’s awful people thinking that. I am being ridiculed now, how can anyone not feel bothered by that?

Nasty piece of work she is, however petty and I have a right to stand up and protect me and my family.

You have a right to protect you and your family but it honestly sounds like she just likes fucking with you.
I really don't understand how she knows what bedding you have?
Plus you've spent all weekend, with people who obviously know you and the state of your partners relationship with his ex, asking whether your partner is back with his ex?.
You need smarter friends because yours sound like a pack of absolute gobshites!

I’ve been there. Report to police each time she approaches you either in person or via social media. Obtain a non molestation or harassment order - it sends a clear message that you and your family won’t tolerate any more of this

I have extensive experience of stalking. It's horribly intrusive and invasive.

There is some good advice here. She's shown her hand early by spinning the narrative that it's you who is stalking her. So I'd begin to lay a paper trail. Document everything with dates and times. Store all the pictures you took of her car. But firstly, and most importantly, see a solicitor and ask them to send her a 'cease and desist' letter. Then see the police and log the situation to receive a case number.

The second important thing you need to do is don't, under any circumstances, respond or react in any way. Leave no gap in your armour where she can get in. This unfortunately might mean staying off social media, because however tightly you've locked down your accounts it obviously wasn't tightly enough.

Idiots like this tend to escalate their behaviour when they realise they're receiving nothing but a resounding silence in return for their pains, so be prepared for that. Invest in a 'Ring' doorbell for added security. Document everything.

Then, if she does escalate, you've got all the evidence and foundations in place to apply for a court injunction. There can be no spinning this along the lines of 'it's not me, it's her'.

Another point: for the moment, I think it would be a bad idea for your DP to write to her telling her you intend to apply for primary residency. This could be viewed as confirmation of her narrative that you are the ones harrassing her rather than the other way round. By all means explore the options quietly, but no court is going to remove a child from her mother's care without very compelling reasons.

I hope all this is enough to make her back off, OP. If you starve her of her oxygen supply she may get bored. If she doesn't, you then have the means in place to deal with her.

I’m sorry @Ron1984 to hear that. It seems like it’s not such as uncommon as I initially thought.

There is some brilliant advice on here, enough to give me the confidence that I can take this further and get it stopped. I don’t want to spend the next few years putting up with this crap.

Unfortunately, she seems the type who increases her behaviour when I try and withdraw and go silent on her - there was 7 Instagram accounts in total which I blocked which related to her and when I found them and blocked them all that’s when the school run stuff started. Similarly with the Facebook, the old wedding picture was put up just hours after I deactivated mine. It’s a constant fight for the attention on her and a desperate need to see what’s happening in our life isn’t it?

I went for an appointment a few weeks ago too with my physio - I have a feeling I might have been followed there too but not much evidence to prove this - she had messaged one of the girls Out of the blue who works there within an hour of me leaving asking for an urgent appointment ‘ASAP’. It rang alarm bells with the physio who messaged to warn me - she was a target of hers too a few years ago so she knows how she can be and she is banned from the place. I just feel paranoid all the time there is so many things that don’t add up, Too many ‘coincidences’ like that which I can’t prove but I know deep down that I’m not imagining all of this now. Loads of tiny things that have turned in to a huge thing.

I will see what Suzy Lamplugh advise. But I am truly grateful I have managed to get this all out tonight and for the sound advice here.

Paladin is also a good victims of stalking website.

Get off all social media, she will use that as an easy target. Talk to your neighbourhood team, not pcsos, actual police and tell them everything. Mention the harassment.

Keep any evidence, screenshot everything.

I come to this post quite late and maybe in the wrong place.
I write this as a single male being stalked by a former partner.
If you choose to reply with the words “ Grow a pair “ I accept that as I appreciate it is unusual.
I noticed obsessive behaviour early on in a nine month relationship. Having been single for 9 years and never having sought anyone I assumed that I was, for want of a better expression, out of practice or too set in my ways. But it got worse. Standing outside work, if I didn’t answer the phone why not, if I didn’t answer the phone why not. Why put the phone face down by the bed ( a habit from being woken up by the light coming on from a message or email or whatever ) I couldn’t speak to the lady in the shop, my daughter……. and yes I know why did I continue? But after a few days of me saying nothing she would behave as if nothing had happened. Simply I guess I allowed myself to be dumbed down. What a fool.
But the subject is stalking.
Since walking away I am stalked running, at work, driving, shopping. Sometimes she walks past me as if I am not there (I say nothing) others a tide of vile accusations none of which are true. This though I understand: Being stalked is to wake up in the morning and wonder where the stalker is, to look in the mirror in the car, to see a similar car and think it is them, to peer out of the window and rebuke oneself for being ridiculous. The stalker’s actions work when the stalker is not even there. The stalked becomes as obsessive as the stalker.
I never paid enough attention to this when I heard reports of it on the news and I’m not after advice as the Police are being helpful.
But I write this ( in absolute truth and also at a complete debilitated loss) to say that for any woman who is stalked I understand what an awful, all - encompassing, experience it is. This I understand. Mine is not violent fortunately, but I comprehend the anxiety, depression and helplessness that so many victims feel.
Thank you if you have read this. I’ve written it because I just really never knew.

you Have my sympathies and like everyone else has said you need to document what she says and does to you and get help and advice.

my partner has a crazy ex and trust me her obsession with him has rumbled on for nearly six years on and off but in the beginning it was crazy. We’re talking hacking and reading all partners Facebook messages, following him in his car, 40 phone calls a day, threatening violence, ringing up my ex boyfriend to get the scoop on me and also falsely claiming that I had cheated on him, phoning me and staying silent, messaging my Facebook and the nastiest thing alienating her children and turning them against their dad.

this is all the red flags you need to know that your partners ex want to continue to control your partner and is probably hoping she will push you into leaving your partner. She doesn’t want your partner back she just wants him to be lonely and upset because that’s what she is despite having the new boyfriend- she is angry that she no longer controls your partner.

I have experienced similar - you have my sympathies.

In my case - he has put a tracker on my car - follows me around.

He broke into my house on numerous occasions last year - it was like something out of the film gaslighting - I only knew as he had moved things around; pulled washing off the line. Luckily my next door neighbour has CCTV - I would suggest you invest in that.

Oh - and he tried to run me over at a petrol station - who also luckily had CCTV.

Get evidence where you can. Its not easy. Its really not.

Thread is 3 years old. 🧟‍♀️ Hopefully the OP has now resolved this.