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Original poster

Will another man want my saggy mum tum 🙈

64 replies

Lora88 · 25/10/2020 22:16

Single after 11 years , I’m slim and I’ll dare to say I’m fairly attractive but I have a horrible belly , I’ve had 2 c sections and I also have a very spongey stomach covered in silver stretch marks it really is horrible , I’ve been a size 6 before but my belly is still awful. I didnt mind too much with my ex as I’d mothered his children but this is a totally different ball game. Has anyone managed to find a man ok with this after separating from father of your children ?

OP posts:
Greeneyes78 · 26/10/2020 06:20

I had shares in moisturiser on each of my pregnancies and was lucky enough to avoid stretchmarks. The truth is some men won’t like it and some won’t care.

WitchOfTheWest · 26/10/2020 06:27

A real man won't care. If he does care, he's not a real man. 2 husbands and a couple of boyfriends haven't given a monkeys about my belly. The only person who has a problem with it is me!

jimmyjammy001 · 26/10/2020 06:42

If it was created as a result of giving birth to my children I would see it as a sign of beauty, hard work and dedication to our relationship and would have my upmost respect, on somebody else if I was a single bloke with no children I wouldn't find it all that attractive to be honest and would be reminded of their past life.

wishywashy6 · 26/10/2020 07:28

Of course! I have a mum tum and my partner always says he loves it because it's part of me and where my children came from.
He's 10 years younger than me and has no children of his own but I've never had any complaints from him
Be confident. Your body is yours and all the lumps and bumps and saggy bits have a story. Find someone who appreciates that

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 26/10/2020 08:01

@Firefin

My partner explained it beautifully. He said when you look at a painting you see the whole thing and not the two or three brush strokes which are not perfectly in line. When a good man looks at you, he appreciates the whole thing and will not care about a few imperfections.
I explained it to my partner (who was a mum of two already when I met her) that when you fall in love properly you fall in love with the whole story of them, and her mum belly was part of that story.
Isadora2007 · 26/10/2020 08:06

Fuck sake women. You are not just a body. Why this “I’m a size x but”... this focus on purely the physical isn’t healthy for our children growing up with role model adults. This is why girls especially but now boys too face eating disorders and use filters galore and use surgical enhancements etc from a young age.
Stop. Focus on WHO you are not what you look like. Any partner worth their salt will also have a similar focus... don’t apologise for having a body that reflects the life you’ve had. But treat it well and be healthy and happy.

AutumnShrubs · 26/10/2020 08:47

Isadora2007

I agree. Yet my experience hasn't been that men think similarly.

I'm single now by choice for the long haul because have no desire to feel that I need to apologise or pay a penance for a life lived.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 08:56

@jimmyjammy001

If it was created as a result of giving birth to my children I would see it as a sign of beauty, hard work and dedication to our relationship and would have my upmost respect, on somebody else if I was a single bloke with no children I wouldn't find it all that attractive to be honest and would be reminded of their past life.
Don't you think the kids might be a bigger reminder?? Any bloke who doesn't like to be reminded that his partner had a life before him is a walking parade of red flags. Gross.
LilacPebbles · 26/10/2020 09:22

I had a child young and had two more going forwards in life. No man I've been with in between or since has been remotely bothered.
The only negative stuff I've seen about the subject has been online and written by incels whose deep hatred and resentment of women in general will forever keep them a long way from ever being with one.

AutumnShrubs · 26/10/2020 09:41

LilacPebbles

I haven't had a man spout incel level venom at me for not being perfect. Not directly anyway.

Mot of them start off saying I'm fine but then they always suggest I lose a few kilos or ask me of I don't wear X item of clothing because i don't like them my body isnt right for it. I never criticise my body to a man - ever.

But this thread has got me thinking...

I recently dated someone and we were discussing relationships when he described himself as an 'incel'. He was in his 50s (I'm 10 years younger) and I (foolishly I now realise) just assumed at the time he was unaware of what he was saying and just meant he was unpopular with the ladies (he was quite short and had a bit of a hang up about it).

But no, it transpired that he was telling the truth and started being quite verbally cruel to me and it transpired he was actually angry with me because he felt I represented the best he could do and my mum body meant I wasn't good enough.

That's quite an extreme example, I know, but I havent dated anyone for more than a few months before the body criticisms start and that's when I dump them.

LilacPebbles · 26/10/2020 10:17

Autumn I'm sorry you've had such a run of bad luck. Common theme seems to be an entitled, objectifying, misogynistic possibly porn sick mindset.
The self described incel sounds about right. IRL most plead that they are 'nice guys- why don't you women like us?' and tend to stick to online forums to discuss their incel status. Your date was typical of one. They all seem to be entitled enough to expect Bella Hadid type women despite having the attributes themselves which would lend themselves to a more realistic view of women and can't believe life has been cruel enough to withhold unattainable/photo opped/not actually real women from them!

AutumnShrubs · 26/10/2020 10:27

LilacPebbles

Thank you. Yes, they do seem to feel that they are entitled to a beautiful woman with a perfect body.

Sorry, I don't want to derail the OP's thread but I think there needs to be a realistic counter to, "I've never met a man who was bothered!" Because some of us have never met a man who wasn't.

LilacPebbles · 26/10/2020 10:29

Autumn that's fair enough but I can only speak the truth of my own experiences, like anyone else when commenting on threads where a question is asked. I'm sorry :(

EarthSight · 26/10/2020 10:35

@jimmyjammy001

If it was created as a result of giving birth to my children I would see it as a sign of beauty, hard work and dedication to our relationship and would have my upmost respect, on somebody else if I was a single bloke with no children I wouldn't find it all that attractive to be honest and would be reminded of their past life.
Reminded of their past life?? Well if they had a belly then it would be their current life, wouldn't it? She would probably have living children. What do you want then? A virgin? When you have sex with most women, you're putting your dick where another man's been. Does that affect you?
EarthSight · 26/10/2020 10:50

@AutumnShrubs You know, women are accused of being obsessed with their weight & bodies, and that they are often bitches that fat shame other women.

As I've grown older I've realised where it all comes from, and where the real problem is. It's mostly about pleasing men and being judged harshly by them. I'm within healthy BMI, so as far as I'm concerned anyome who doesn't like that can fuck off. I really think it's the men who mostly fat shame women and I've experienced not-so-helpful suggestions myself. It can really affect some women.

If a man is very toned gym goer, then I wouldn't be annoyed at the expectation that his girlfriend should also be very athletic looking and slim (but mothers are a different category and they should adjust those expectations). But actually, unhealthy, very weedy looking men often think they have a right to expect that women are flat & slim. I remember explaining to an ex boyfriend once that testosterone makes it more difficult to accumulate fat, and that women have far around the pelvic area for a reason and that's perfectly natural (he was extremely skinny and lean whilst his twin sister was a normal size for a woman but was pear shaped with a littke belly). He wouldn't have any of it.

.

Dillydallyingthrough · 26/10/2020 10:51

I've never been with a man that has been bothered by my stomach. Been with DP 6 years and he still compliments me and loves being fully naked in bed together.

Autumn - I'm sorry for your experiences, do you lack confidence generally? You seem to be attracting complete and utter dickheads, I wonder if they pick up they can say what they want to you? Sorry if that is off the mark and clumsily written, I can't seem to find the words that I need today!

AutumnShrubs · 26/10/2020 10:58

LilacPebbles

Oh, completely agree. All our experiences are valid!

AutumnShrubs · 26/10/2020 11:11

I remember explaining to an ex boyfriend once that testosterone makes it more difficult to accumulate fat, and that women have far around the pelvic area for a reason and that's perfectly natural (he was extremely skinny and lean whilst his twin sister was a normal size for a woman but was pear shaped with a littke belly). He wouldn't have any of it.

Same with the 'incel' man. I explained all of that but he said the fact that some women manage to look great into their 40s and beyond means we all could.

do you lack confidence generally?

No, not at all. And I didn't lack body confidence until I was firmly put in my place a few times. The first few times, I put it down to dickhead men and thought nothing of it because I knew I was fine. But the comments kept on coming. I've been asked on a date by a man I met this week. I agreed but now I'm having second thoughts because I'm just not sure I can face hearing it again.

Even the boyfriend I had at 20, I dumped for calling me fat. My measurements would have made me a size 6 today but I'm 'curvy'. What can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

AutumnShrubs · 26/10/2020 11:23

However, OP, my experience appears to be in the minority. I'm sure you will be fine because there's nothing wrong with your body - or anyone else's either. They're ours and they are amazing Flowers

borntohula · 26/10/2020 11:26

Can almost guarantee you notice it a million times more than a guy ever will!

Themadcatparade · 26/10/2020 11:34

Yes. The right one will love you for it.

I have much of what I consider Flaws but my tummy was a hard one to take. I left my abusive DH when I was 23 so I was very young when I was single with a post baby body.

My partner adores what I look like and he makes me feel it too. I’m so very grateful I didn’t hold myself back from finding that love just because of my insecurities.

ValleysGirl72 · 26/10/2020 12:00

Please excuse my ignorance, but can someone tell me what incel means or represents?

Many thank in advance

CodenameVillanelle · 26/10/2020 12:01

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel

Crystal87 · 26/10/2020 12:58

I had kids before I married my husband. He's never been bothered by stomach. I have no doubt he finds me sexy, even when I'm feeling less than confident about my body. I had my first child at 20 and had a c section which left me with an overhang. I dated men and had a few partners before I met my husband and if any of them were bothered by my less than perfect tummy, they never showed it. Men can have insecurities too and how many of us women expect a man to be flawless or care about the fact he isn't?

Eesha · 26/10/2020 13:09

I've never had complaints and my last 3 partners were six pack standard perfect shape. My current partner kisses and pays lots of attention to my belly and inside I cringe at times but have softened about it all. I guess it's comforting to him!