How do you learn to be alone?

[Lonelynow]

Hi. My partner of 10 years left me in August. He cheated with a woman from work and briefly moved in with her but it didn't last.

I've taken it really badly and haven't coped well at all. Now the initial shock of it all has worn off I'm really struggling with loneliness. Other than him when he was coming back and messing me around, I haven't seen anyone other than shopkeepers etc in months. I am currently on gardening leave from work after being furloughed then made redundant which obviously doesn't help.

I have no children unfortunately, I miscarried around this time last year and again not long before he left. I have no family, I'm 30 years old and I only have 2 friends where I live who are both very busy with their own families and I do feel they're avoiding me to be honest. I suffer quite badly with depression and anxiety and making friends has been something I've always struggled with.

I do try and stay active and get out everyday for a bit. But I hate coming home to my empty flat with just my cats. I went to get something for my dinner earlier, was feeling OK and as I got close to home again burst into floods of tears in the middle of the street, that was around an hour ago and I've just laid on my sofa sobbing since. I miss him terribly despite the fact he's treated me absolutely horrendously.

Before we were together I was with someone else from when I was 15 so this is the first time I have been single and I fully accept I have huge codependency issues that I need to deal with. I am waiting on counciling.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to cope better and learn to enjoy my own company? I really am desperate now and I don't know where to turn. I can't keep feeling like this.

OP, i didn't want to read & run. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone. This Pandemic has highlighted loneliness everywhere. Are you furloughed from work? Try altering your routine, so that the timescales are different from when your ex was with you, listening to chat/phone-ins on the radio, just for some background noise, and read some fiction before bed to make you more sleepy. Make some small changes to the layout of your flat too, and buy some flowers to signify new beginnings. Do you have a faith? If so, you could visit a local church? Currently, you have to book a place at a Church of England service, due to social distancing, and wearing a facemask is compulsory too, which doesn't help when you are trying to chat to new people. I will say a prayer that your situation improves, please read Psalm 91 online, it will lift your spirits. Sending hugs

I’m sorry you’re going through this - I followed your last posts. Your ex sounds horrible. Just know that as time passes it will get easier. It’s a huge life change going from always being in a relationship to being single. Write a list of the things you couldn’t do with him and do them all. It sucks that it’s lockdown. Can you do any online group therapy? I have friends who have done that and found it very helpful to see people in the same boat.

Oh my darling i am so sorry! My only advice is to keep busy with projects, crafts, hobbies and journal. I like putting on youtube videos as a background while i get on with cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

Oh and also get massages. I like being on my own and was single living alone in another country for three years with no friends. I feel like human touch is a basic need and having massages really helped. It sounds terrible but I have a dc and DH and am jealous of single people sometimes. Remember that the grass isn’t always greener. I miss the tranquility of solitude often.

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.

How would you feel about doing some voluntary work whilst on gardening leave? If you like animals is there a rescue or something similar near you that could do with help.

It would get you out and about doing something you might enjoy and you would have other people to chat to.

This pandemic is very hard in so many different ways.

Have you thought of volunteering somewhere like an animal rescue / sanctuary? You mention that you have cats, it would open up the opportunity to meet people with a similar interest and will also look good on your CV while you're looking for work x

OP, i just re-read your post, i missed the part where you said you had been made redundant, what horrible timing ! I read a thread on here earlier this year, where someone had been dumped by text, completely out of the blue, and knocked her for six. She took up running every day which helped distract her, could you try this?

I agree with volunteering, I manage a charity shop and quite a few of my 'Younger' (ie; non retired) volunteers are either unable to work for health or other reasons or using it as a stop gap whilst applying for paid work. I know it won't suit everyone but my volunteers really seem to enjoy it and it gives them a sense of purpose. Choose carefully so that you can really get as involved in as much (or as little) as you want in running the shop.

I'm 52 years old, twice divorced, no children (by choice) no family in the UK and only a few friends, none of which I have seen this year. I've not worked full time due to severe health problems (I have been disabled since a car accident when I was 17) for nearly 6 years. My partner of 11 years lives and works 200 miles away and since March 2020 I've seen him once. I've only seen him twice in the whole of 2020. We are both in Tier 3 cities so it is unlikely I will see him again this year. The only other person I have seen (apart from the odd shop assistant) since March is my exH, who occasionally calls in to check I'm ok. During the main part of lockdown I went 3 months without seeing anyone.

I've lived on my own (apart from my two cats) since 2009. Before that I lived on my own for 6 years before marrying my second husband.

I was 'lucky' that when I was a child my family - my parents and my two brothers - spent 3 years in rural Bangladesh. We had no school, no television, no shops we could safely visit and no friends of our own age. We were the only 3 children on the aid project my father was working on. I now call it good training for covid, as I had no choice but to cope with what was essentially a far harsher 'lockdown'. In those 3 years myself and my brothers only received schooling for about a year. We all still managed to fit back in when we did eventually leave and go back to 'normal' schooling. None of us had to repeat any grades, etc.

You can cope with this - you have to, you don't really have any other choice. Do I get bored and sad? Of course I do, but I know this time will pass. Forget your ex, he's gone, the rubbish has taken itself out. You need to be thinking purely of yourself at the moment, and of the future. Get in touch with your GP and get antidepressants. The Samaritans are there if you really get desperate to talk to someone. Keep posting here.

Keep busy. As others have said try volunteering.
Get a routine going. Routine is reassuring. Get up at the same time, have lunch at the same time etc, so it feels reassuring that some things stay the same during the madness outside.

If you are crafty you could make things to sell online, jewellery or somesuch perhaps.
Decorate your house.
Take up photography, using your phone in local parks etc of the autumnal trees etc.
Get your favourite uplifting music on when you are low.
Take exercise if you can, walking in a safe area is my choice but not overdoing it, a little on many days is better than a lot on one day.
Learn a new language in a free website.
Declutter your house.
Think about what job you’d really like in future and if you need to do anything to get to there, like a course etc.
Read. Lots of second hand books cheap in charity shops. I quarantine stuff for a few days and wipe the cover with disinfectant and feel safe.

Just keep occupied. It’s when you have time to think that you get maudlin.

I hear you. Just know you are not alone in feeling like this. I've been separated from my husband since January & find it really really hard when my kids aren't here & actually hard when they are too. Some people are made to be with others. I try to like my own company but am not too successful.
Sending you love & hope. Xx

My sister just sent me this on Pinterest. Xx

Oh OP, I feel for you. It does get better I promise. I was widowed suddenly two years ago. I’d been with my husband since I was 17 and went from living at home with my family to living with him so I’d never lived alone. The loneliness was crippling at first. I’d dread going home to an empty house; and evenings and weekends were unbearably lonely. My advice is to keep busy, an active hobby; join a gym or take up running. Something that is physically a bit demanding which will help you sleep on a night. I also redecorated our house and honestly it was a good distraction; I’d think about colour schemes, throws and cushions instead of deeper things! Take care of yourself; even be selfish; you can be now! I’m used to living on my own now and like my own space. I do still avoid watching romantic films though...

I'm so sorry - a big hug. Someone upthread mentioned running. If you can bring yourself to do some very strenuous exercise every day it will lift your spirits and give your self-esteem a boost. See it as a challenge and increase your goal each week, watch your body tone up and get fitter. I hope you sort yourself out 🤗🤗🤗

I hope this doesn't sound crass - in the overall situation it's maybe a little thing - but do you have any interests you which could be put to use in the voluntary sector? When I found myself in a lonely situation, I volutnteered for stuff (I cared about), it connected me with people and made me feel a bit more satisfied. There is no shortage of organisations needing sensible people to help out. You sound resourceful, I am sure you can navigate you way through.

I'm the same
Well I was kind of ok but recently I'm crying all the time
All I want to do is snuggle up to a body and have that love but I don't have anything
I will read this thread later

Agree with pp's especially re volunteering. It's so tempting to become a hermit but I forced myself out and (pre covid) to social stuff just to escape the four walls and only once did I regret it and leave poor choice of company
Also to echo a pp, a massage is a good idea when you're feeling a little stronger. The first one I had was a surprisingly emotional experience, feeling human touch and that tenderness/caring took me by surprise after a few shitty months. It was comforting in the end but I did have a little sob too.

People will have lots of advice about keeping busy but, I do think it's important to feel your feelings. August is really recent! Take time to just cry and be alone and watch rubbish telly and eat. It does get easier.

I've lived alone

I found that the only way to describe it is to " come to terms with being at peace with yourself'

So enjoy the time & space of being alone

Then when you are in touch with family or friends, they should be a positive, bonus onto your existing life

I did lots of walks, listened to the radio, read books, volunteered, hobbies, worked, kept myself busy

@Lindy2 that’s a very good suggestion or help the elderly with shopping maybe

@WillyWasAWatchdog

Have you thought of volunteering somewhere like an animal rescue / sanctuary? You mention that you have cats, it would open up the opportunity to meet people with a similar interest and will also look good on your CV while you're looking for work x

I wouldn't advise this. Some people have funny ideas about the type of people who volunteer at cat shelters, especially the ones who are doing hands on work (mainly that they are eccentric and absolutely obsessed with cats) and it might put some people off from interviewing. It's better that she does something admin related.

But in terms of meeting people and getting to look after them, yes it's a good idea worth considering!