How long to wait for children..

[Borger]

Me (26f) and bf (27m) have been together for nearly 10 years. We live together, there's been no cheating and honestly we have grown up together.
Ever since my mum passed I have longed for a family of my own, with the person that I love. My Bf does want to have children but wants to wait longer as he wants to earn more money etc so he can provide better. Which is great that he has a good head on his shoulders but I question when is going to be enough money? That was over two years ago and during that time I have bought it up again but I know its pressuring him. I have been so incredibly patient and but it is eating me up inside. Its been 10 years, I want a family with the person I love and I want him to want it too.
How do I approach this subject again? Am I being unreasonable? How long did everyone else wait to have kids?

As someone that had my first child very young I’d say wait. I’m still with my DH and there’s honestly no rush. Having a baby can make or break some relationships, but you’re still a young adult and I think you have rose tinted glasses on what it’s like to be a parent. IMO having a child is so precious but it’s also such hard work. Having a child with a man that isn’t there 100% with the idea will likely backfire and you’ll do majority of the workload. Obviously you can’t force him to give you a baby and he can’t force you to give up on something you truly want (I think you know where I’m going with this).

This is tricky op. I was with an ex for 7 years and he turned around one day and said his nephew annoyed him and gets all the attention (baby) and I knew then that he wasn't at all who I thought.

You are young but a smiliar age to me at the time and if you know you know. Also you work with children (as I do) and I personally feel it makes you more aware of how much you want them.

Don't pressurise him but I would lay it on the line clearly that having children is a priority for you and that if his priority is money maybe you are too different. Don't get angry but just talk and be assertive.

Do you have any pets? Just thinking a cat or something might scratch your maternal itch a little while you're waiting.

I think PP's have made good suggestions of sitting down with him and making a plan.

I dont think either of you are too young, I was 27 when I had my first child, pregnancy is easier at your age and you both will have more energy for young DC plus its easier to cope with teenagers in your forties.

After 10 years together he should be ready to commit. Have you talked about marriage?
Babies are expensive and its good to plan but if you overthink it no one would ever have them.
Are you financially secure, have good jobs etc?
He needs to say how much is enough money to have a child or have a goal in mind, the perfect situation may never arise and most people manage somehow.
You do have time on your side but I would also be wary of him stringing you along indefinitely.
I think on the whole women are ready earlier than men for parenthood- probably partly for hormonal/ biological reasons-I definitely got broody but DH didnt !

Marriage and having that certificate or ceremony is a nice idea, was never important to me (having seen the rates of divorce). Marriage doesn't transform your personality... marriage isn't about personality or love or anything like that. It's about legal protection.

OP, if you are in the UK and want to stay at home with kids longer than your statutory maternity leave, or if you will be in a lower paid job than your partner, then you need to get married before you start talking kids. You will always have a dozen women on these threads saying that marriage is a piece of paper, etc, but most people are thick as mince and don't have a clue about their legal entitlements and protections. Having children can ruin your life if you don't take steps to secure yourself. Educate yourself and understand the risks you would be subject to if you became an unmarried sahm.

Your partner doesn't sound ready, but that is neither here nor there if you yourself don't even want to.marry the man. Unless you are an extremely high earner yourself, you need to give your head a wobble.

OP, you are being naive, rather than empowered, as I think you believe.
If you are going to have children, and stay at home to raise them - you are choosing to put yourself and your children into a very vulnerable position.
It’s great your parents were happy together for years w/o marriage. But what makes you so sure you’ll be the same?
Especially as you got together so young and haven’t had much experience with others.

Romanticism aside - relationships change and no one expects it to be them.

Having kids without a financial/legal commitment from the partner here in the U.K. is just silly.

Other than that - I’d wait till you are about 30 as that seems a good age to start.
Good luck

This post was in respect of bringing up my want for a family to my partner and how long did others wait before having children. So thanks for the input. I do think its got rather skewed half way through, assumptions regarding marriage legalities, commitment of other people my age and encouragement of getting a pet have been well and truly tossed around!

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Marriage and having that certificate or ceremony is a nice idea, was never important to me (having seen the rates of divorce). Marriage doesn't transform your personality... marriage isn't about personality or love or anything like that. It's about legal protection.

OP, if you are in the UK and want to stay at home with kids longer than your statutory maternity leave, or if you will be in a lower paid job than your partner, then you need to get married before you start talking kids. You will always have a dozen women on these threads saying that marriage is a piece of paper, etc, but most people are thick as mince and don't have a clue about their legal entitlements and protections. Having children can ruin your life if you don't take steps to secure yourself. Educate yourself and understand the risks you would be subject to if you became an unmarried sahm.

Your partner doesn't sound ready, but that is neither here nor there if you yourself don't even want to.marry the man. Unless you are an extremely high earner yourself, you need to give your head a wobble.

Good advice. Also, it doesn't have to be a big wedding in front of lots of people. I think the idea if doing that puts some people off. You can get married very quickly with little fuss.

@Borger

OP - you asked here how long people waited to have children. And this is the answer people are giving you - people with collective years of experience. Just because you don’t like it as it doesn’t fit into your idea of how life is - doesn’t make it any less true or good advice.

The answer - how long isn’t only a number on age scale. It’s much more than that.
If one is planning to have a baby - then they need to be mature enough to realise what it means and what it requires.
Financial stability and commitment of both parents that will protect the child’s interests are at the core of that.

Getting a baby isn’t like having a puppy or a bee toy. And it’s not something just to fulfil your desire for a family following the passing of your mother. These are the emotional reasons that you are driven by.
There are also practical reasons that are as important. And you don’t seem to be ready or mature enough yet to understand those.

So many women do that. Have romantic ideas of their relationships, and think that they are different; their relationship is different and don’t need marriage in this day and age. It’s like some sort of ideological orthodoxy that seems important to some.
And it’s OK if you don’t plan to be stay at home, or if you and your partner take same sacrifices in your career as are inevitably required when brining up kids.

However - anyone who is knowingly walking into a potentially vulnerable situation that does not priorities the child’s interests is being irresponsible. And that is putting it mildly.

Maybe you are independently wealthy and have a back up which makes it all irrelevant. If you aren’t - take this thread as something to at least think about. Because if many people with more experience than you are saying something - there is a chance they we may be onto something.

(And also just look around MN for many a thread saying ‘how could have I been so stupid’...)

Good luck to you and I hope you have your kids when the two of you are more ready.

So, there are various concerns here.
Unless you have independent means you need to think through the implications of not being married now and not getting married before having children. Is he unwilling to marry or is it just you?

Has your partner made provision for you and any children ? ( Accident happen.)
Are you down as the beneficiary of any life protection policies his work may have?
Would you benefit from his pension scheme? Some firms allow only wives to benefit.

Has he protected his income for you if he falls ill or dies?
Has he and have you made a will? You are not his next of kin. If he dies without a will you get nothing.

If the answer to any of the above is no, this is extremely worrying and indicates either a lack of commitment or lack of maturity.

You are in London where everything is expensive it would be sensible to wait until you have bought a place if at all possible. Rents in London ( as you know) are high and once you have the huge expense of children and if you give up work or go part time you will find saving much more difficult.
Incidentally without all the provisions I've mentioned above in place, you would be very unwise to give up work. I suspect that once you start a discussion with your partner on these lines you will discover very quickly how serious and committed he is about you and having children. Any reluctance to provide for you etc. is a huge red flag. At least you will find out whether he has just not thought things through or whether he is just stringing you along.

He has a secure, presumably quite well paid job, and it sounds as if he's the main earner in your relationship? You work in childcare which isn't as well paid as IT - and it sounds as if you might want to stop work to be a SAHM or maybe return to work part time only?

Unless you're going to share parental leave equally and return to work full time, you'd be mad not to get married before having children.

Please do make an informed decision; here are the facts about the legal differences between cohabitation and marriage:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I'm very sorry that you lost your mum so young

Dh and I were 19 when we started going out. Married at 25, bought a house at 26 and renovated it, moved overseas at 30, had my first baby at 32. We couldn’t have done all that with children and I couldn’t have developed my career the way I have.

I do think its got rather skewed half way through, assumptions regarding marriage legalities, commitment of other people my age and encouragement of getting a pet have been well and truly tossed around!

@Borger What's wrong with suggesting a new pet? I'm not saying getting one will entirely satisfy you of course, but it might amuse you a bit in the mean time.

PP's have come up with some great ideas/sentiments of how to discuss it with your partner and what to bear in mind.

I don't think it's unreasonable after 10 years to say to your partner, do you have at least a rough timeline in mind with regards to children? And if the answer is no then you should think about how long you re happy sticking with someone for who it's only a maybe on having children at the moment.

I m due with my first baby after we ve been together 7 years, we re 25 and 29 and have been homeowners and married for over 2 years and we re in a reasonably stable position financially.
However, we were always honest with each other about a timeline for children from quite early on as it was important to me personally to not be waiting until my mid to late 30s to start as family due to my family history of people finding it harder at those ages and my dad's death at that age whereas many people wouldnt even consider having children in their mid 20s these days.

Maybe he would be more comfortable doing it sooner if you agreed to go back to work rather than be a SAHM

My husband and I were 28 and 30 when we decided to ttc. I dont think you're too young. I do think your bf is sensible wanting to be financially secure first. We both knew we wanted to own a house first as getting a mortgage/deposit whilst paying for childcare is really hard. But we were lucky, although we don't live in a cheap area house prices are not obscene like in London.

Our timeline was -
Met when I was 25 and he was 27 (I was always upfront about wanting kids)
We were both in secure jobs/careers
Bought a house when I was 28 and he was 30. We began ttc, also decided to get married in a registry office (cheap but gives letal protections so well worth it).
Baby 1 when I was 29, he was 31
Baby when I was 31, he was 33

Posted too soon but my advice would be:
-ask him what he wants to be earning/what financial position and when he aims to have achieved that by

• consider getting married (well worth it now i work part time - mine was literally just us and a couple of witnesses at registry office but I have no regrets)
• consider buying a house (moving area?) as getting a mortgage/deposit once you have children is much harder

We knew each other about two years before we moved into together, married about 6 months after that, and I had a positive pregnancy test about a month and a half after that.

I don't think it's pressurising to have an in-depth discussion and ideal timelines for the future, working through your thoughts on the risks, responsibilities, and benefits on thinking with the understanding that some of the details may change. He may know your feelings that you want to have kids or other life choices, but there is a lot to consider. If he doesn't want to talk about it, that would put me off.

While I think it's very important to discuss and layout the ideas around kids before marriage, I'm on the side that that should be considered first. It isn't an assumption, legally and statistically having children before marriage is riskier in several ways. For some that risk is worth it, but I don't think it can be overstated in a 'it's just a piece of paper, it's all about the love' culture that there is more than that.

Divorce rates are on a pretty steady decline - this year may throw things off, but in recent years we're at the lowest point since the early '70s, and for a first marriage in the mid to late twenties, without a child already involved, death is the most likely cause of the marriage ending. Waiting later (I think the rates start rising after 32 or so, but that may be because there are more second+ marriages going on) and after kids only raises the likelihood of divorce.

I think people can mostly take the risks and responsibilities they want for the benefits they seek, but looking at divorce statistics really shouldn't put most people off marriage before kids.