Anxiety about perceived confrontation after abuse

[OrangePassion]

Hi Mumsnet,
I wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation, and how you handled it.
I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago. It was off-and-on, and was very draining. I'm out the other side now, though, and have been NC for about 15 months.
I've really tried to work to rebuild myself. I feel like overall I can stand up for myself and express what I want to say.
The problem is that in dealing with certain people and their manners, I sometimes think people are being confrontational or abusive when they're really not. I feel it mostly in email and text communication with some people, because my ex was abusive to me over text and it just made me feel like I have little control. When I experience this feeling, I try to deal with it calmly on the outside, but on the inside I'm feeling really panicky. It appened again recently: I emailed someone on a graduate course I am on to clarify an assignment, and the reply asked if I had read something else related to the assignment (I had), but it felt harsh and it felt like there was a deeper meaning to it.
Has anyone else experienced something similar and found coping strategies? I usually calm down after awhile, but I still really dislike when this happens.
Thank you.

I hear you OP.

If I ever think DH is "off" (for the record he is the kindest, most patient, lovely man in the world), I find myself either clamming up or asking him what's wrong, did I do something to upset him and so on. Thankfully he's fantastic and understands why I do this.

Personally I've tried to take a step back, realise that I've done nothing wrong and maybe he's just having a bad day or something like that.

With my abusive ex I would get the silent treatment for no apparent reason, and it's obviously stuck with me.

A few breaths and an attempt at rational thinking before acting helps.

Hi @JorisBonson,
Thanks so much for your reply. Mine also did the silent treatment and it made me question things.
Fortunately, the issue I had today was cleared up and the person apologised about the confusion, since I posted this.

Yes, I've been the same. I also couldn't deal with any confrontation of any kind, I'd freak out and start shouting and crying. I'm nearly four years on and am still struggling. We were together 8 years and have children together so I'm still suffering although it's now post separation domestic abuse. Have you done the recovery toolkit from women's aid? That's really helpful, I also had hypnotherapy and am now on antidepressants.

I'm doing freedom programme and it helps me with stuff like that.

I also liked a book 'Six Pillars of Self Esteem', I found it very helpful and powerful.

Thank you both for your replies. I will take a look at these. I'm an avid reader and really appreciate the recommendation for Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Two books I have found helpful, which you may appreciate, are How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty (I think it was mentioned on a thread here awhile back) and The Gift of Fear.

Thank you @OrangePassion those are really great suggestions! They're on my wishlist waiting for my audible credits