DH trying to guilt-trip me? A MIL one

[FrustratoPotato]

This might be long... sorry.
My MIL has dementia and has been in care for over a year. DH has power of attorney and has been sorting out some very convoluted financial issues with multiple properties and a time share. On top of this she was a hoarder. Her main residence has been empty all this time and we have been chipping away at it. (we've had our own annus horribilis, not even taking into account COVID, so have had precious little time to devote to her place). She has paperwork and money all over the place so we've had to go through it bit by bit .
It's almost at the point now where it is ready for a clearance company to come in and take away anything left. DH went over today to tackle another room full of crap and 2 weeks ago I'd asked him if we should all go to which he said OK. So I assumed I would go to help. Mid-week he says "maybe I'll just go on my own". I said OK, just let me know. We'd have to bring 10yo DS which can be more of a hindrance than a help so I thought maybe he just wanted to crack on without distraction. This morning he says again, I might just go by myself. So I tell him that if he goes then DS and I will clean our own tip of a house so it might work out better that way anyway.
So he goes on his own and comes back about 5 hrs later. He was in a foul mood but he often is when he comes back from dealing with MIL. He feels a huge sense of duty even though she was a shit mum. It fucks with his head, which I understand.
At dinner I was asking him how he got on and whether I could help with sorting out a new kitchen for renting it out. He informs me tersely that he will be selling because renting isn't good value. I started asking about finding clearance companies etc and he says "I don't really want to be hassled about this by people who don't even help"
My brain kind of fractured at this point so I said "but you told me not to come!?"
He got really arsey and said he didn't think that people who weren't helpful should weigh in on any decisions. He then stomped away from the table leaving me completely stunned.
He has form for blindsiding me with things like this. What is this called? I thought we were fine, he said he didnt want me to come. Then he gets all nasty about me not coming with him. I'm so frustrated.
I'm not necessarily at LTB stage but I would like to know what the hell this is and how to deal with it.
If you've read this far, thank you.

If this is different from the man you usually are with, then do you think he might be 'grieving' ?
I know it seems an odd term to use when his Mum is still alive, but, although her body is still physically alive, he has lost the person she was, which, even if they weren't on great terms, was still his Mum.

It is incredibly difficult to have to sort through your parents' home - all their things. Very often you come across childhood memories. It is emotionally draining.
I think you just have to let him have the space at the moment.

I know what you mean like they set up a situation where you were wrong doing as they asked, like moving goalposts.
I read a thread on here the other week about a 'd'p that did that when he warmed up dinner while wife saw to the chickens in the garden or something, not their normal routine but one husband wanted that eve and the toddler was to have dinner with them rather than go to bed, all at the mans request, then he decided that she had ruined his evening fucking around while he had to heat up the tea or something, the emphasis of the advice was mainly on the sulking and stonewalling after but that setting up the situation to upset him was all of his making to make her be the shitty one who was bad. Yeah I think you just experienced that too. But I don't know what it is sorry. I bet someone else will.

Thanks both. DH has apologised for giving me a hard time but I'm still reeling from it. Yes, it is moving the goalposts which I suppose could be a passive aggressive form of gaslighting? Whatever it is, I realise he does this alot in different ways. Like I have to pass a test I don't even know I'm taking. To poster 1, he is struggling with grieving his mother whilst being very angry at her whilst still having to oversee her care. I'm not making excuses, his behaviour can be shitty, but it's a hard place to be for him at the moment.
I don't know what I want from posting here. Maybe just to check that I'm not crazy. That's it's actually a thing he does.

If it's a thing he does you you need to bring him up short on it each and every time. It just isn't good enough. Very strongly state your case and force him to recognise her is wrong. I don't think a halfhearted apology later is good enough, he needs to recognise when he is doing it.

His emotions re his mum are all over the place. Perhaps something at the house finally pushed him over the edge and his first thought was - AND I was left to do it on my own! Inexcusable behaviour but perhaps understandable. Are you able to talk it through with him when he's back in control? I'm sorry for both of you.

Could he be projecting his anger and frustration onto you? It’s easier to be angry with you than himself / his mum?

Or maybe your feeling about “setting weird tests” is just him being an arse in general? Particularly if it’s not the first time he’s done this.

I think the MIL side is a red herring if this is a regular pattern of behaviour then that is who you are married to.

I feel like the relationship boards here have taught me that people don't deliberately intimidate, manipulate, guilt trip, confuse you, stonewall you or make you doubt your own sanity as a one off event, those traits are not in a good person.

Grief of shitty parents turned me into a stroppy teen. I behaved a bit like this. As long as someone can see it and apologise, and it doesn't go on to long, I would be understanding. We all behave poorly at times. Maybe people will disagree but for me it felt incredibly hard to control. I would almost regress into myself as a teen, and a neglected teen at that, and lash out.

Thank you all for your measured responses rather than going straight to LTB.
I pick him up on nasty behaviour like this when I can but sometimes I just don't have the strength or ability to articulate it properly. Like yesterday, my brain kind of short circuits and I'm left speechless. I always feel like I must have my argument air tight and know I'm 100% in the right to challenge him. He's very good at turning arguments back on me. That's why I thought if I had a name for the behaviour I could say that to him and explain it. Rather than just saying 'it's not right' which is too subjective to hold water with him.
To be fair we usually get along fine and there isn't alot of aggro between us. I suspect this is because I work at having a harmonious household.

this is because I work at having a harmonious household

So he has you walking on eggshells and he keeps changing the goalposts to keep you in the wrong? Not good at all OP, would he consider counseling to help him deal with the stuff going on with his mother? Do you have support for yourself?

You sound as if you live your marriage being his emotional punching bag.

Not a good place to live.

Sorry but dementia is a shitty sitty illness that can drive the best of people into an emotional wreck. The strain of sorting things out and having to say goodbye to the parent you knew even when the person is still alive is such a mind fuck.
Maybes cut the chap some slack?