Update on my last thread. We were all right to be cynical.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3998907-I-think-this-it-the-end

Ex had been gone 7 weeks (4 at his mates and the last 2 in his new rented house). Dropped the kids back to me after having them for tea and told me "Since I got my new place I've been spending time with a friend, and we've been out a few times, so I wanted to let you know myself before anyone else did." Apparently a friend he's known "a few years".

I cried and asked him to leave. 😢 DS1 came down as he heard me crying, and also cried (I told him as he's terrified of covid at the mo and I could see him start to freak out wondering why I was so upset). He's now refusing to talk to ex.

The next day I asked him WHO it was, and it's someone he's known a long time, and who I felt uneasy/suspicious about during lockdown as she was commenting on his runs and I noticed he was clearly chuffed and revelling in her comments. I pushed my uneasy feeling aside, told myself not to worry, that he'd never do anything, etc.

He's still adament nothing happened.

I'm gutted. It really floored me him telling me. For me that means the door is locked and bolted. There was a miniscule chance that I figured way down the line he might grow up, stop being a twat etc and we'd maybe reconcile. I knew it likely would never happen but it was a miniscule possibility. Now it will never happen.

In a way its helped. I know for certain now that:

• the night he didn't come home he was likely with her
• he's a liar
• my instincts that I pushed aside were right
• I was right that he was looking for an out
• mners and I were right that he likely wanted to scope the possibility of her by having a few weeks at his mates house
• I was right to decide when he floated the idea of a few weeks at his mates to make it a permanent move.

Ah. Sorry to hear that. Hopefully having things out in the open will help you manage some of the emotions.

It would help even more if he actually came clean. But I know he won't. And I just know - it's like finding out who this "new" person was has been the last piece of the puzzle.

I was so so upset.
Then going over everthing.
Now I'm more angry.

He kept trying to deflect onto me and the last couple of months I've realised how manipulative he is.

I was so stressed waiting for Universal Credit to be sorted out and now it is I'm actually better off as a single mum than I was living with him. I'd posted before about our unequal finances.

I was beating myself up about the intimacy. Now I can recognise all the reasons that has faded over time. All the little problems in our relationship chipping away at it. Plus my own mental and physical health not being good.

I now know he's been moaning to his mates about that side of things. Likely with no insight whatsoever in to why it's diminished so much.

He really did have me questioning myself. Should I just be cool with all his "socialising" (heavy drinking)? Was I controlling? (no) Didn't he get enough time for his interests (season ticket to stadium a stones throw from our house, gym membership frequently used or in lockdown vanishing for a long walk or run everyday, late nights and nights out)? Also a no.

It wasn't me at all.
He'd checked out emotionally way before I knew and then tried to blame it all on me when actually he'd had his head turned.

Sounds like you are well rid, to be honest. People like him are not worth arguing with. He'll only ever see himself as the victim, in the right, hard done by. He'll have no insight at all.

So sorry, I know how you are feeling only in my case no children are involved. Urgh.. it’s the disrespect isn’t it? How dare they treat you like this?!.. The feelings of anger and grief, the not eating, sleeping, spontaneous bouts of crying.. go through it but know it will pass. You will recover, you will find your strength and you will emerge from this stronger.. but it is a journey. Take comfort from the love of your children. I wish you well. 💐

Classic fucking cheating loser 😨 so sorry @YourHandInMyHand

Im so sorry. It must be painful now but you can and you will move forward from this.

Have you got some support in real life?

Tale as old as time. They always seem to swear there’s no one else and yet mysteriously a month later there is. I can’t think of a time when a mother leaves a LTR and a month later has found the time to create a new romantic relationship from scratch. He just think you came down in the last rain shower.
Really sorry @YourHandInMyHand. Just a gentle reminder that your son is a child and to avoid where possible confiding in him, giving him
info he doesn’t need. I totally get it’s hard & when he sees your upset. But it’s a trap a lot of people fall into and doesn’t help the child feel safe. (Not having a go honest)

My son (DS1) is 16. He was panicking about what was wrong (his health anxiety is through the roof at the moment), so I told him a very simple "Y has just let me know he has a new girlfriend, and I'm shocked and sad. I knew it would probably happen eventually but not so soon and I feel upset." There was no slating of him and I've actually been reassuring him that night and since that his step dad still loves him, wants to see him, does he want to talk to him yet, he doesn't have to choose between us, etc.

My mum was an oversharer of her emotional problems even when I was a small child and I've never put mine in that situation.

I am lucky to have lovely friends and family and they've been great the last couple of months at keeping in touch, making plans with me, listening etc. I'm very lucky in that respect.

@maze76 I'm so sorry you've been through it. The sleepless nights are killing me alongside DS2 who is both fighting sleep in general and has started with night terrors. I'm sooo tired!!

I wish I was one of those people who lost their appetite when upset. I tend to go the other direction.

OP - I am sorry you are feeling hurt.
But looking at your previous thread - your relationship was broken. You wanted him to move out for good. And when he was having doubts - you kept saying it’s over.
And when the couple loses intimacy - for whatever reason - it’s highly unlikely the relationship would survive.

So while it’s hard to see an Ex move on - I think it’s unfair for you to expect him to hang around so that one day you have a choice to maybe take him back.

You didn’t want him to stay and, frankly, why would you given his immaturity.

Many people, often men, try to move on very quickly. And it’s easiest with people that are already around and known. Just because you felt uneasy about someone - doesn’t mean he in fact cheated. It’s equally possible that he didn’t. She could have liked him and they could have not done anything.
No that he is single - there is no reason why they can’t get together.

Finally - your elder DS doesn’t need to be involved in the affairs of the adults. Why would you do this to a little child?????

MMmomDD: Finally - your elder DS doesn’t need to be involved in the affairs of the adults. Why would you do this to a little child????? Are you referring to the 16 year old as a little child?

My DS1 would be most insulted to be referred to as a little child. He's taller than me, he has a beard, he's 16. I've actually had to sign a piece of paper this week stating he and I are happy for me to handle a certain matter for him as legally being 16 it should be him handling it.

Also, as I've said above. I've not slated ex to him or overly involved him. I gave him a simple relay of what I'd been told (mainly so he knew no one was dying or dead from covid) and have reassured him lots about how me and ex both still love him etc

I’m so sorry you’ve been proved right. I do think though that intuition is a very powerful thing. You deserve so much better than this 💐

My best advice to you right now is get some sleeping aids. Either a mild tablet from the GP or try nytol. You will cope much better with some sleep

@fortunategirl I can't do that as I have a toddler as well as a teen. Toddler still wakes during the night so can't be in a heavily medicated slumber.

I have been trying to rest during DS2's naps though which definitely helps. Not solid sleep but does seem to make a difference.

OP - it seemed in the previous thread that he was smaller, and the other post with the age just popped up. So - no, not a small child.
Still not sure he needs to be involved and his step-father should have been the one talking to him about his new relationship, when he chose to.

My other points still stand. You are broken up. YOU wanted it. Wanting him to wait around so you have an option to decide at some point is unfair.
And - I get it that it feels better to vilify him. But the reality is - you didn’t have suspicions before. Your main issue was that he was a man-child.
He still is the same man you didn’t want and asked to leave.
Just because he decided to move on at the speed of light - doesn’t make him wrong.

I get that it’s human nature to not want to give things up even if we don’t want them. But it won’t help you move on with your life to dwell on it.
You didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, you lost attraction to him. You wanted to be free of him. You both are free to do what you want.

All she’s gained is a man child and someone who is likely to cheat on her when his head is turned.
Trust me when I say they do not change, he will be the same with her because it’s just who he is.