Son's father got in touch after 4 years.. WWYD?

[Maxine3477]

I left my husband and father of my son nearly 4 years ago following months of domestic abuse where I had to involve the police. He was convicted of attacking me and was deported back to his country of origin as I cancelled sponsorship of his UK spouse visa. I moved to another city away from anywhere he had friends or contacts. He had been threatening to abduct our son to his country or get his friends to do it. Obviously I did everything possible to hide from them and have stayed safe for 4 years.
One night this week, I got a email put of the blue from my ex, pleading to see our son. Saying that I've made our son the victim in all this, I've deprived them of seeing each other etc.. Sayibg I can "fix" things by letting him and his family see our son. It was all emotional blackmail but I'm scared that he will send people looking for us (as previously threatened) and try to snatch our son. I'd have no chance of getting g him back if he is abducted to his father's country. Its a country where fathers have more rights than mothers. The police can't do anything unless he actually makes threats or gets back into the UK, but I'm living in fear. My son has never asked about his father and won't even remember as we left when he was a young baby. My son has his father's surname which is very unusual and stands out a lot. Legally I can't change it (even for safety reasons) as his father is named on birth certificate.

Have you had legal advice about changing your son’s name? Courts can legally change it under certain circumstances and I would say that you stand a good chance.

You can get a no notice emergency prohibited steps order saying you fear abduction.

WWYD?

Ignore.

Any answer or reaction shows him that he's found you and you're reading his emails. This would give him incentive then to pressure you more, look further for you, push more. The longer he doesn't see ds or hear a word, the less he'll even recognise him or keep trying.

You might not legally be able to change ds's surname but you can informally use a different 'known as' surname for school so that he's never publicly called by his old surname.

www.michelmores.com/news-views/news/when-can-school-agree-change-childs-name

Agree with others, ignore. Do not engage. There also are circumstances where a surname can be changed against father’s wishes so do look into that. You can also use a ‘known as’ name in most places like schools, which could be an option.

Seek legal advice.

As he has been convicted and deported, and you fear for abduction (and could demonstrate to a court that you were worried enough to move location etc ) you should be able to have a chance in court to change his name.

Does your Ds have a passport? You can have your Ds’s name out in a list to be prevented from leaving the country. No other relative can take him out without your permission.

Is your e mail provider one where you can stop anyone seeing if you have received / read it?

Have you told the police about this contact?

Does he have relatives in this country?

I presume you are not in any SM, Facebook etc?

www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

Legal advice can help you make a successful application, or advise you on the likely success. Given the circumstances.

Hi OP - do establish a different surname for your child. Otherwise sharing an unusual surname makes him very vulnerable to being tracked down.

Legal advice. Do not reply. Change your email address and close the account of the one he has. Stay off social media so he can't track you.

as above -

ignore - deed poll if you can- but change his name in school, known as "smith". you can do this without his permission

Agree with all the above, you need legal advice.

I would also change your email address. A bit of a pain, but at least you know he can't contact you.

I'd change the surname as suggested above (informally) a d then formally if at all possible.

Also don't ever let him see your son or he could use it to try to establish some firm.of residence/tie to the UK etc.

There are some men who purposefully try to have children with UK citizens to try to get residence/visa/leave to remain through them.

I had a foreign guy try this on me. He suggested we have a baby weirdly early in the relationship and was quite insistent and surreptitious about it. When it was clear i was totally disinterested, becoming irritated by him pushing it, and was very clear I'd get the MAP or even a termination if I fell pregnant, he moved on.
(I also suspect he was actually tampering with the condoms too).

It's more common than you think, a d these guys are utterly ruthless and cold in using kids to try to get their residence in the UK or similar countries. They often can't stop their true characters and their lack of real emotion leaking out too.

With a conviction, deportation, repeated threats of child abduction, harassment of you (which this latest contact is too) .... Surely you have a case for a surname change.

(And any other legal restriction possible on anyone other than you taking your child anywhere).

My friend was in a similar position and changed her son's name at the GPs/ school etc to "known as" her surname. She was then able to apply for a passport in that name a few years later as she wrote a covering letter and was able to send proof that this was the name he had used for a number of years. This was a few years ago so not sure if you can still do this but it would be worth looking into.

Be aware all emails can be tracked - I use Mailtrack pro and can see when and where someone reads my emails. I can see how many times they read it.

I would copy the contents then delete and block the address. Don't open anything from an unknown email.

Lots of people change their child surname by deed poll and it’s accepted, the only place that won’t accept it usually is the passport office. So you can definitely change it.

Block him. You can change names via deed poll.

Keep your son’s passport somewhere very safe, where your ex can’t get it, and make enquires about a notice on his file.

Have you had the same email address all this time? Or has he found it out another way?

Personally I'd ignore his email.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/abduction/
This site has some legal advice including that you could make your son a ward of Court.
I would be inclined to get legal advice. Change names and disguise location. Does your ex know where you parents or other relatives or friends are? I would also refuse permission for photos etc.

Delete your email, get a new email address, give it only to trusted people. As others have stated you can use a known as name for DS at GP, school etc... even first name if it helps, make it a game for him to choose a new name, like Bruce as in the Hulk, or Peter as in Spider-Man etc.. Or give him a nickname he likes, all my family have nicknames, I never even knew my aunts real name until I read her obituary, and then I found out almost all my aunts and uncles names that I knew them by were not their real names.

Definitely seek legal advise and notify the passport office that there is a threat your son could be abducted and not to issue replacement passports.

Make sure before you delete everything you have both hard & soft copies saved of all his & his friends contact with you, especially any threats.

Do you have people around you that you can trust and reach out to?