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Original poster

Oldest DS refusing contact with father

27 replies

kcw1986 · 24/10/2020 17:33

Am just wondering whether anyone has experience in dealing with a child that is point blank refusing to see his father.

It really causing problem atm and arguments between me and his father who am separating from.

My youngest still wants to be with his dad and happily goes over to spend time with him at my MIL and this situation seems to be upsetting him as well.

I just don’t know what to do I’ve tried talking to him but he seems adamant and want even acknowledge his fathers presence.

OP posts:
AmberAndAlexsMum · 24/10/2020 17:43

Probably best to just tell his father that your son is not happy at the moment and you are not going to force him to have contact when he doesn't want it. Tell your ex that you are not prepared to discuss any further for the time being.

Give your son time to cool down and get used to his new normal. Make it easier on yourself by not getting too worked up about the contact and let your son take the lead on this. He just needs to feel safe and supported by you.

Good luck, it's not an easy situation and there is no easy answer, but try not to get sucked into arguments about it, it's not your fault.

dementedpixie · 24/10/2020 17:44

What age is he?

pinkyponkywonky · 24/10/2020 17:46

Same situation here. Youngest is happy to see father after divorce (although he's been abroad for many years) but eldest has cut ties with her father due to the OW who has made no attempt to meet the children (grown up) and has instead been vile about them in past correspondence.
It's a very hard situation and not one I expected my children to be in, but my ex has made his bed, so he needs to now suck it up and lie in it.

Felicity88 · 24/10/2020 17:47

How old is he?

My experience is - if he really doesn't want to go then he doesn't have to go.

What reasons does he give and what kind of relationship did you have with the dad?

Original poster
kcw1986 · 24/10/2020 18:07

He just turned twelve so am not sure if that is too young to be making decisions but he is stubborn and has a mouth on him which I’ll admit he gets from me.

Apparently ex thinks everything will be ok if he comes home 😒

OP posts:
pointythings · 24/10/2020 22:42

At 12 he is just about at the age where he is entitled to make that choice and where, if it comes to court, his voice will be taken seriously. Clearly the relationship has broken down - it is up to your ex to mend it and engage with his DS1. It isn't up to your son, and he shouldn't be forced. Ideally yes, there would be a relationship, but I doubt he's just suddenly decided for no reason that he doesn't want contact.

AlreadyGone44 · 24/10/2020 22:50

Do you know what's behind his refusal? I don't know what your seperation was like or relationship before that. Was their acrimony or arguments? Is there a reason your son might feel unsafe or resistant to seeing his dad? Have you tried suggesting something smaller to reconnect. Like they just have a meal together or his dad comes over to have a short time with him doing an activity he likes in the house? Obviously don't have him in your house if he's abusive.

bibliomania · 24/10/2020 23:00

I know at least 3 children and turned 12 and decided they wouldn't see their fathers any more. This includes dd. In all 3 cases, they had good reason and it happened after many years of difficulty. I actually feel sorry for exH, even though it's entirely of his own making. They drop the rose-tinted glasses about their parents at this age.

NC4Now · 24/10/2020 23:04

Why doesn’t he want to go?

Original poster
kcw1986 · 24/10/2020 23:31

My ex had an affair years ago which produced a child (a boy) who he now has custody over .

I decided a few months ago that I wanted out of the marriage and told him to leave. Things aren’t good between us as he wants to come back and give the marriage another go I.e wants to go to counselling etc

My youngest has said his father is pathetic and he wants nothing to do with him ever. I actually am upset by this because I would like him to have a functional relationship with his dad and my youngest is confused over everything

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/10/2020 00:02

My ex had an affair years ago which produced a child (a boy) who he now has custody over .

Well your Ex has massively betrayed you all, so I'm not surprised your DS feels like this.

Leave him be. These are potential consequences when parents engage in affairs and do other things to damage the love, trust and respect their DC have for them.

I actually am upset by this because I would like him to have a functional relationship with his dad

Unfortunately it's not about what you want here. Respect your DS and his wishes.

Pushing him to have contact will cause him to turn against you as well.

KylieKoKo · 25/10/2020 00:13

@kcw1986

Does your son know all the details of the affair and why you split up? If so then I think you need to help him come to terms with it. It sounds like he's deeply hurt. I don't think it's just a case of accepting his decision. He's only 12 which is still a little boy really.

Does he have anyone neutral in the situation he could talk to about this?

MiddleClassMother · 25/10/2020 00:45

I agree that it sounds like he is hurt by the affair. Kids pick up on everything so if you still hold the resentment, he can probably do that. If he doesn't want to see his father there's a reason why. I wouldn't force him but would try to get him to explain why.

MollyButton · 25/10/2020 07:46

Listen to your son.
You can encourage him to see his father but with no pressure. I would also ty to get him some counselling or at least someone outside the family he can talk to honestly (a youth worker?).
And you need to tell him father - preferably in writing; that you would like your son to see him but at present he is refusing, it is up to your Ex to build a relationship with his son.

I have encouraged my DD to build bridges with her father (she is considerably older than your son), and it has just ended up in him massively hurting her. I feel very angry, very upset for her, and I do wish I could speak to someone who might just point out to him just what he's done. But I am relieved that at least I didn't force the contact against her will.

pointythings · 25/10/2020 09:20

Your DS' feelings are completely valid and you need to listen to him. It isn't up to you to maintain his relationship with his father (this applies to your younger DS too). They can sort that out between them when your DS is an adult, if he wants to.

Your XH is completely in the wrong here and he will now have to live with the consequences of his actions.

NC4Now · 25/10/2020 11:31

Well that’s really sad, and DS is reasonable on feeling hurt. It sounds like he’s lost respect for his dad too. That’s on his dad. I actually think your son is laying down his own boundaries here, and he needs to be heard.
I agree a letter sounds like a good plan. But it’s for XH to rebuild that relationship, by being reliable, consistent, honest, trustworthy. Small steps first - even just XH picking him up from one of his activities and giving him a lift home, just to break the ice. But I wouldn’t be pushing too hard against your son’s feelings.

billy1966 · 25/10/2020 11:36

Your husband cheated on his family.

Your son is entitled to his feelings.

Support your son while telling him that he can change his mind at any time.

Your husband needs to suck it up.

Make your position clear to your husband so that it is clear to him, that the marriage is over.

Don't allow there to be confusion on this issue for your children.

A very difficult situation OP.Flowers

scotgal2017 · 25/10/2020 14:19

my youngest decided a year ago when he turned 13 that he didn't want to see his dad. I was behind him all the way and told him that it was his decision but he could change his mind in the future if he wanted to. His dad was pissed off but when your kid tells his mum, 3 teachers, an educational psychologist and a Cahms mental health nurse that he doesn't want to see his dad, it isn't really about what the ex wants is it!

DS decided a few weeks ago he would give his dad a "second chance" and stayed with him for a week. He may go at Xmas time for a week as well. At the end of the day, after having to endure a traumatic childhood with an abusive (to their mother) father, I'll go with whatever my children decide and feel is best for them when it comes to the relationship with their dad.

Original poster
kcw1986 · 27/10/2020 14:56

Thanx for the advice I suppose I just wanted a gwyneth Paltrow calm uncoupling situation but that was stupid and naive

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/10/2020 10:36

@kcw1986

Thanx for the advice I suppose I just wanted a gwyneth Paltrow calm uncoupling situation but that was stupid and naive
Nothing wrong with hoping for that.

Unfortunately some things are beyond your control.

Continue to support and emphasise with your son.

Tell your husband it is out of yours and his hands.

Your husband chose the behaviour, he has to accept the consequences.

Flowers
Shetoshe · 28/10/2020 16:04

Good for your DS! He obviously a smart boy to realise his father isn't worth his time considering his serious betrayal of you all.

I would support his decision and just let him know the option to see his dad is always there if he wants. Hopefully he won't take it up though.

megletthesecond · 28/10/2020 16:08

Your DS is right.
Your ex H doesn't currently deserve a calm functional relationship. Your kids are entitled to be pissed off.
I'd let the dust settle. Things might be different in the spring.

AmyC40 · 28/10/2020 16:32

My DD stopped seeing her dad when she was 10. Her dad wouldn't work with me to solve the issues she had with seeing him, I offered mediation which he declined so contact was stopped. She started seeing him again when she was 13 - again he mucked up the relationship - so now she has no no contact with him at all - doesn't even acknowledge his emails.

KylieKoKo · 28/10/2020 16:50

I feel like some posters on thread are rubbing their hands together with delight at the man getting his "just desserts" and forgetting how damaging it can be to children to feel this way about their parents.

Remember that at the centre of this is a hurt little boy who probably misses his dad deep down.

OP I think that you need to try very hard to allow your son to work through this and not to project your feelings about this onto him. He might, in time forgive his dad or he might not but it has to be based on how he feels and not out of loyalty to you.

category12 · 28/10/2020 17:17

It's really for his dad to rebuild the relationship, you can't do it for him.

It must be really difficult for your ds to cope with the split and his dad having residency of this half-brother. Would it be possible to find him a counsellor so he can work out his feelings with someone outside the family?

I wouldn't try to force him to see his father, but rather keep the door open and say he can change his mind at any time, and that he wouldn't be being disloyal to you by seeing his dad.

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