Did he dumped me for good gently? Opinions please

[Helenr28]

So my ex dumped me a week ago, we were dating around 4 months. He was only 2 months split from ex wife when we met but said the marriage broke down long before, he had stayed so long for DC. They mutually agreed to split now while DC is only 4.
He was staying at a friends spare flat while waiting to rent his own place and we had amazing times. As soon as things started to get serious between us at the 4 month mark, he moved into his own flat, and began to have break downs. He'd tell me how he misses his family unit. That threw me off because things had been going so well between us, I had met his family and DC. He said he was so confused because he liked me so much. He couldn't understand why he was thinking about them (ex and dc) I thought he was fine because he got to see DC lots during the week but he said it was killing him not being with DC everyday. He said that everytime he picked up DC, it hurt him thinking about all the memories at the family home. He said ex wife doesn't want him back and said he needs to be with me for a fresh start, wants him to be happy etc.

So he dumped me a week ago saying he couldn't be with me right now while he's having these break downs. The last time I saw him was a few days ago to pick up some belongings from his flat and kept apologising and said "this isn't easy" He looked very tired. He said he can't stop thinking about me but needs to do this etc. He said in a few weeks if I'm single, once his head is straight, he'd like to meet for dinner. I'm deciding to go no contact even though he's not the type to harass me anyway. I'm hoping he will come back to me but I also feel like he tried to dump me gently? By saying in a few weeks if I'm single we could meet. Why would he say that?

I'm pretty sure you've posted just recently haven't you? I'd say yes, he has dumped you for good. And it would not be good for you, he's so fresh in/out of marriage.

It rubbish for you OP but it sounds like he's deffo not ready to date.

I'd just say to him you're obviously not ready for this and not leave the door open - otherwise he might end up stringing you along for ages.

I remember your last thread and he was messing you around, on/off/off/on which he is obviously still doing. No point whatsoever in meeting up again as you will just be prolonging the agony.

He’s already dumped you so I don’t think the dinner is part of the break up, but I think he wants to feel like a good guy, so if you go and have a nice dinner with him then he gets to feel like he’s a nice man. And maybe he is, just not ready to date.

In the worst case, he could be testing the waters with dinner, to see if you might be up for a sort of FWB situation instead of a full on relationship.

Either way, if you were my friend I’d tell you to not bother meeting him!

I wouldn't want him even if he came back. You need to move on and find a man who isn't stuck on his Ex.

If she wanted him, he would go back to her, don't be the plan B or the fall back girl.

Don't wait for him to come back to you.

You may be a rebound thing. I’d also steer clear even if he does decide he wants you.

He doesn't want to be with you. The dinner thing is because if he hasn't got back with his wife he'll need someone to use for sex. That's you! He wants you as his back up shag. Have some respect for yourself and move on.

Sadly you must never date separated men. They are a bunch of mixed up emotions when they separate and for a year after divorce. Just use this as a lesson. He does not know what he feels, thinks or wants right now. He is an emotional mess and will continue this for a very long time. He is using you as a life line when he is in a dark place, nothing more. You will be a rebound until he feels better and healed then move on to another woman who hasn't got links to his dark times if you stay to wait for him. He is not in a place to start a relationship at all. Steer clear at all costs. It will cost you your mental health if you stay. It will be on, off, hot, cold and really mixed messages until you get dumped for good. The reason I know this will happen is because I have seen 3 good male friends go through the separation and divorce process and all tried to move on with someone else quickly and all had these traits and disasters. None of them are now with the rebound girl. She got shafted and hurt on all occasions. Run for the hills

Third thread same advice. it really is too much drama for a 4 month relationship.

OP - it’s all too soon. He was just 2 months from separating and there is a world of difference between living in an unhappy relationship and actually moving out. He needs to go through grieving and getting over and adjusting to his new life.

The two of you have only been dating for 4 months - he is by no means an Ex. Way too soon to consider this a real relationship - no matter how much fun the two of you had together.

None of this is about you and whether the two of you fit together or can have a relationship.
Let him be and let him figure out his life. And then - why not meet him for dinner, or whatever - and see how things are then. If YOU are still available, that is. But I’d not wait for anything. No need to put your life on hold as life is too short and he isn’t the only man around.

I agree I said to him it was too soon and he said but I have genuine feelings for you. He said that if DC wasn't here, he'd feel better. He feels he's failed as a father and less of a man to not be in DC life everyday. He said he feels intense guilt and can't be with me while he's feeling like that. I don't think he wants FWB as he doesn't seem that type to do that. His mum called and said he's having a mental breakdown as he's been staying round her house since breaking up with me. I'm just not sure why he would say he still wants me in his life and wants to meet soon. I suppose only time will tell. Right now I can't completely close the door

I had met his family and DC

Poor kid. Their whole world has been turned upside down and it sounds like their father is going to trail a procession of girlfriends through their life.

This guy is making bad decisions, OP- don’t be one.

I would really recommend cutting all contact with him. 4 months isn't that long (WEEKS)
If it's like this now at this stage when it should all be lovely then what would it be like under pressure?

This is the third time you've posted about this man. I know it hurts but have some self respect. You cant keep asking the same question hoping for a different answer.

The advice isn't going to be any different from the last time.

Delete and block him.

The only thing that will happen if you keep on with this is being used and hurt.

He doesn't want to be with you.

He is stringing you alone so when he has got back with his ex if you are still single and she thinks all is good he can start you up again. Back up plan. Or if it doesn't work out he will then come back to you.

Don't be his Plan B

along

This happened to me many years ago, when I dated a very recently separated man. It was in fact me that ended it, as I couldn't bear the uncertainty, even though I cared deeply for him. Now I think he was simply in emotional turmoil, and perhaps I should have waited it out, as he said he cared deeply for me. This man might have 'dumped' you, but equally he could just be very raw emotionally at the moment, it is very early days for him and he is feeling the loss of his marriage and family. Play it by ear, try not to invest too much in the situation as it may not play out as you wish - but then again it may.

Right now I can't completely close the door

Yes you can and you should. If you don't then you're opening yourself up to a future of more emotional hurt and drama. You barely know this man, why are you wasting so much energy on him? Even if he is genuinely struggling and messed up, why do you want to keep that in your life? This is not how relationships are supposed to be. Walk away and find a man who who's got his shit together rather than clinging to someone who doesn't want to be with you.

He wants you to be his comfort/counsellor/ fixer upper while he nurses his poor broken heart. All the whole he’ll tell you he’s soooo confused. He’ll cry on your shoulder until he feels better than dump you again. But heh he didn’t promise you anything so all’s ok right?

Do you have friends in real life? I'm wondering why you keep posting the same thing on here. Hoping that you do and you'll take our advice to contact your girlfriends and make some plans. Out for walks/outdoor coffee or drinks. Whatever is allowed in your area. But don't give this man any more headspace. You didn't know he existed 4 months ago. It's a cliché, but I do have cheese in my fridge older than your relationship. It's disappointing and it hurts now, but you'll get past it.

I was^^ going to end it at first because of the uncertainty too , the first couple times he broke down but he kept reassuring me he will get through this and be better. Then a few days after that's when he left me saying he couldn't do it right now. I think about him all the time, I can't help it

Yeah my IRL friends and Mum who met him tell me he seems to be being genuine and to give him space. So that's why I'm doing no contact now

What can I say OP, sounds like you are open to him messing you about. You can and should close this door permanently, but I don’t think you will.

Your friends are not giving you great advice. He might be genuine but how long are you going to hang around waiting while he dithers about his feelings? You are worth more than that.

It’s only been four months! Move on. You could end up wasting years on this guy for nothing. If he wanted to be with you, he would

Oh! Such angst! He had genuine feelings but can’t be with you, he feels a failure, less of a man, intense guilt, he having ‘all these breakdowns’ all this in just a few short weeks......I picture lying on a chaise longue, the back of his hand resting on his troubled brow. Honestly, I’d run a mile.....