Fathering

[WelshCake1]

AIBU to expect my DH to spend time with his children more than half an hour in the evening watching TV? They are all older now but my youngest is 13 and feels very angry towards his dad for not being 'a proper dad'.
DH always opts out of wider family events but even things like taking my son fishing/ going shopping/ playing with him/ turning up at Sports' Days are incredibly rare. Even when he is there physically, like at Christmas Dinner he will finish his meal without engaging with any of us. I raised the possibility that he might have an assessment for autism but he got incredibly angry about that.
He works 60+ hours a week, over 6 days, as a church minister and is constantly exhausted. He feels I have 'too high expectations' of what a father should do.
I have given up on our relationship as he has invested very little over the years, but for the sake of the children I am staying around as I like being with them.
I just don't know if to keep asking him to spend time with them when he just chooses not to? Should I just accept we are a family of 4, plus him when he feels like joining in?

Well he certainly isn't going to change. Not a snowball in hell's chance, if that's not too apt for a minister. Only you can decide what's best for you and the kids. If you split will be see more of less of them? It's often the case that fathers, and indeed mothers, create more quality time with children when it is limited and shared after divorce. On the other hand some fathers just disappear. You would hope this isn't the case with a minister but who knows.

My ExDH was like that and didn't even have the excuse of working long hours. I realised that as I was doing everything on my own, I may as well go the whole hog and end the marriage. Our DS didn't miss him, still doesn't. He accidently referred to him by his first name the other day, rather than Daddy. It broke my heart, for him. And no, I'm not a bitter ex constantly bad mouthing him. I have always put my son's best interests first. His DF moved abroad so doesn't see him regularly anyway.
I think in your case OP, your DH is married to his church first and foremost. If you can accept this then carry on with no expectations of anything changing. If you want better for yourself and your kids, end the marriage before any more damage is done.

Its so hard to watch isnt it, I was very disappointed that my ex didnt make much effort to spend time with my DD's although we would do day trips and family things but no initiative to do things just for them. like you i felt i was doing everything which is a big weight to carry, especially if you feel the kids frustration too. I ended it for that and other reasons - he had lost interest in me too! since he has moved out he engages better with them, like your son my DD 14 was very angry with him last year, this year they are playing music and singing together. So I feel I did the right thing though it felt like failure at the time. Good luck with your decision.

As a mother, sister and daughter of autistic men - no!
Autism involves more than being a disengaged father or family man.
It seems that on MN every man who does not meet the expectations of his wife is labeled autistic.
Perhaps he just does not enjoy his family life or is too exhausted?!

If it’s been going on 15 years it’s not going to suddenly change now. You said you have given up on your relationship with him it you are staying with him because you like being around the children - you do realise the children would probably want to stay with you?

It’s weird that whenever a man is acting like this with their partners and/or DCs aspergers, autism, ADD is brought up. And it’s possible but most likely what they really are just being a prick.

This man is disinterested in being a parent. His church comes first and you all come last. If he’s always been this way then he is a prick. If not maybe he’s struggling with something but I wouldn’t automatically say it’s some disorder.

I'm not sure why you're saying you're staying for the children?

Surely you could split up and still be with the children? It doesn't sounds like he'd have the capacity or interest to try for residency.

Maybe if you split up and he didn't have the luxury of complacency of the kids always being there to ignore, he'd make more of an effort to parent them in his contact time?

Thank you all for your comments - really helpful to hear your experiences. Yes, there is an unknown about whether my son would see more or less of DH after a split!
As for the autism assessment it wasn't brought up lightly. It is part of a much bigger picture. I think I will go to Action for Aspergers as the next step in the process of getting my head around what I am dealing with. Maybe my looking for a reason for him behaving as he does is because I can't believe he would do it on purpose...
I was glad to hear things are mainly more positive for you and the children - that is great to think that there is life beyond this difficult situation!

I have autistic male friends. I don't know a single one who has little/no interest in being fathers/partners within their families. With the exception of one who will never have a relationship let alone go as far as fathering a child or marrying.

I'm also autistic. Autism can mean that you dont always respond in the way that NT people want, need or expect you to respond. But it doesn't mean we don't give a shit.

It is part of a much bigger picture. I think I will go to Action for Aspergers as the next step in the process of getting my head around what I am dealing with

Tbh, it doesnt really make any difference whether you have that label or diagnosis or not.

It's not going to make you to the children any happier.

It's not going to make him more engaged and, tbh, is utterly pointless of he isn't going to engage with that either.