Husbands mood swings

[Lou974321]

My husband has borderline personality disorder.
He was open about it before we met.
I thought we were handling it well but the past 6 months has been awful.
He has been distant. Seems to always be looking for a fight. Threatens to punch me in the face if i answer him back. He disappeared for a day then said it was my fault because i was not supportive of his feelings.
He keeps telling me how happy he would be if we got a divorce, then he goes to work and sends me messages telling me he loves me????
I have started going to the gym to feel better about myself, he belittles my efforts, tells me i am fat when i eat and of course i must be sleeping with my pt ( i have never given him a reason to doubt me)
We hardley ever have sex- sometimes he cannot preform so i know that does not help.
He is so cold towards me. I want my best friend back! I dont know how to get back to how we were

This is abuse, not a personality disorder.

Borderline personality disorder doesn't make you threaten to punch someone in the face. Being an abuser does. His other behaviours all follow the abuser script

Because he is an abuser, you will never get back the person you thought you knew. That was just a facade to fish you in. This is the real him.

Lots of abusers pretend to have BPD. It's a handy excuse for them.

Nothing can excuse the way he is threatening you and acting towards you. You need ton understand that you are a victim of domestic abuse and act accordingly. Maybe do the Freedom Programme online to understand what you are dealing with.

Ok so I'm gonna say this and probably get flamed for it, but fuck it.

This person told you they had bpd before you even met...and you still decided to pursue it? Anyone with their boundaries where they should be, would have googled bpd then and there, seen the personality traits and went 'nope, don't need that in my life so I'm not going to start anything with this person'.

So that suggests to me that from the start, your boundaries weren't where they needed to be. And ever since, you've been putting up with shit that you shouldnt have been.

I'm going to advise you the same as I would advise you if you were dating a narcissist or a sociopath (also in the cluster b sphere) or anyone similarly abusive - personality disorders are not an excuse to treat anyone like crap. And I'm sorry but, your friend is not coming back - because he is not your friend, he is a bastard. A bastard who has his own mental issues going on yes, but a bastard none the less.

It's time for you to start protecting yourself. Be a friend to yourself.

Amd agree with pp, it is common for abusers to claim that have disorders that they do not even actually have. To try use them as an excuse for their shity behaviour. It isn't an excuse though because either way, it is not ok.

He's awful, please finish with him.

Threatens to punch me in the face if i answer him back.

This is not ok even if he does have a personality disorder. No-one would expect you to put up with this. xxx

Threatens to punch me in the face if i answer him back.

I didn't, but I wanted to stop reading right there.

Threatening violence is a 100% dealbreaker, and the fact he has bipolar is irrelevant. Get out and get a divorce. You simply can't live this way.

OP this is nothing to do with BPD - this man is just a nasty piece of work. Give him what he wants and divorce him because this relationship will destroy your self esteem. I do sympathise as one of my very good friends has BPD and it is extremely difficult and has you tiptoeing around and second guessing everything, plus making allowances for them to the detriment of your own mental health. Please consider getting out now.

Divorce.

Imagine if a friend or father was in your situation what would you think?

*daughter

“ He keeps telling me how happy he would be if we got a divorce,”

Please make him happy and give him what he wants.

BPD has nothing to do with this. He’s using this as an excuse to get away with being an arse. I was diagnosed with BPD years ago and never acted this way with anyone.

Is he off his meds?

I would consider if you want to continue in a relationship where you are threatened and denigrated.

You should not sacrifice your own mental health and wellbeing to his mental health problems, even if that is the sole cause of his behaviour.

You have to think about the future, as well - do you want children? Would this be the right relationship, the right father, to have children with? Please make sure your contraception is really effective and don't sleep-walk into making a huge mistake with your life.

Thank you guys, it has made me see more clearly.
I did not think i was a victim of abuse as he has never actually hit me but this has made me think and i think if i pushed him he would.
I have also just found out that he was charged and pleaded guilty to choking a previous gf until she lost consciousness two years before we met.
I do have a child from a previous relationship so i must put him first.
He deserves to grow up in a happy home so if it has to be me and him going it alone then i guess that is what we will have to do.

Interestingly when i got home from work tonight there was a meal waiting and my husband is full of promise about what a wonderful day we will have together tomorrow.
I will wait until i am not alone with him before i tell him its over.

Be very careful, OP - choking/strangulation is a massive deal. It's a prime indicator of potential killing in domestic abuse incidents.

Get yourself and your dc out safely.

Get everything sorted then tell him it is over once you and your DC have left, as the most dangerous time for you is when you are preparing/trying to leave.