Abandoned with a baby

[sarahh87]

Earlier this year I gave birth to my first child with my partner of 14 years and could not have been happier. My birth was amazing and my partner could not have been more supportive but when my son was just 10 weeks old and after a rough couple of sleepless nights i felt the urge to ask him if everything was ok as he'd seemed a little 'off' for a couple of days and was met with the answer..Im not happy and can't do this anymore..

The days that followed are still a blur (5 months later ) but he basically told me he no longer loved me, loved me but was not in love with me ( that's what they all say ) and felt he needed space/to be single as we no longer had a connection ( seriously, we had just had a baby). He stayed for a couple of nights as I was in a bad way, physically sick, unable to eat, drink etc but then left and would only pop in occasionally to see our son.

He would get angry if I asked questions or cry/beg for answers and snap at me on the numerous occasions I asked if anyone else was involved and swear our son's life that he would never do such a thing - i was crazy for thinking it and had unresolved issues making me think that way. I begged for him to take a step back and think about the consequences of what he was doing - I was adamant he was having a breakdown and struggling with becoming a first time dad due to acting so out of character..cruel, cold and blunt so wanted to help him.
On occasion i would call to ask for help with our son - to watch him whilst i caught up on sleep, washing, pumping etc but my calls would would be ignored and when he did come over would act as though it was normal - him wanting out of the relationship at such a pivotal point in our lives should not be upsetting me as much as it was and if i voiced that he would tell me i was mad..at the time i believed it.

This continued for 2 months. I have never felt so low or worthless as I did during this time. I felt like a terrible mother as i could not stop the tears and knew i should be strong for my son but the complete devastation i was feeling took over, my milk dried up, i lost a lot of weight in a short space of time and had no energy or focus but i woke up each day ( at the time i did not want too ) and cared for my baby as best i could. Due to lockdown I had no family or friends to support me and the shame I felt stopped me from reaching out to them. During this time I would contact him everyday, begging, crying hysterically, screaming for him to support me and our son but he just did not care.

A few weeks later the beginning of the truth came out, it did not come from him but by me playing detective. To cut a long story short he was having a full blown affair with his employee which he denied but eventually admitted to. The web of lies unravelled over the following weeks. He should have respected me enough as his long term partner, mother of his child and as a human being to tell me the full truth but instead he continued to lie over and over again for weeks/months until eventually he confirmed the affair had been on-going throughout my entire pregnancy, birth and following the birth..he was leaving me for her as felt they had a connection and did not want to miss the chance to be happy as i made him soooo unhappy for such a long time. NOT ONCE did he mention being unhappy he acted as though having a child was the best thing in the world but when i look back it was only ever in front of other people.
I was in a state of shock, my best friend, rock, somebody i had known since a teen and had been so kind, caring and loving was telling me he was leaving for another woman as he felt we no longer had a connection - now, i'm a grown woman and understand relationships breakdown. All relationships take work especially long term, you become complacent and take each other for granted but what i will never understand is the fact he never voiced concerns, never. Call me old fashioned but if there is an issue you talk about it, attend therapy, you try your damned hardest and if it doesn't work out you go your separate ways - it's terrible and heartbreaking but you fought to make it work. In this case there was nothing...we made a human being and then he abandoned us because HE DID NOT WANT TO MISS THE CHANCE TO BE HAPPY he even said I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE and that he thinks he loves her...whilst leaving me and our child alone..i can laugh about it today.

The only time he showed remorse was the night i found out, he cried, begged for forgiveness etc but from the next day turned cold again and treated me like a stranger. Refused to talk to me about our relationship as i was apparently living in denial even though i made it clear i would never want him to come back but needed to understand how this happened.
I think I wanted him to want to come back. I wanted the option of making a decision - every decision i could have possibly made throughout this entire s&^t show was taken away from me.

The other woman
Many will say ‘ don't blame her, your partner had the loyalty towards you not her’ and believe me i blame him however, the OW knew he had a long term partner she had even met me a few times and also knew i was pregnant. She is also a mother to 3 children and therefore knows how it feels to carry a child to birth and then struggle during the newborn days so how can she be ok with her part in this?
I did contact her when I first found out about the affair. Don't get me wrong my messages were not nice but by no means as bad as i believe they could have been but her responses were just vile. Not that i would ever be the other woman but i try putting myself in her shoes and if i was contacted as the OW i would either not respond or apologise profusely but no..when i asked why and to just stop as i could not handle this ontop of being a new mum she refused, told me to grow up and stop living other people's lives ( yes seriously ) oh and that men can make their own choices.
I couldn't care less if they are Romeo and Juliet - have some goddamn respect and keep your pants on. If they genuinely felt this amazing connection then why not deal with it in the right way? again, it would be heartbreaking but in my mind I would have dealt with it better.
The sickest part is they were having unprotected sex..whilst he was with me and i was carrying our child..anything could have happened to my baby, vile !!!!

From the moment i knew the truth ( i'm sure there's a hell of alot i dont know and theres alot i have not put here as its already a very long post ) they have been out together as a couple in the area we live, the area we moved too and purchased a property whilst i was pregnant and he was having an affair..neither of them give two hoots about our son, me, friends, family. Who cares who sees them or if I just had a baby -i'm totally over reacting and just need to get on with it LOL.

Not once has he asked how I am or how I'm coping as a new mum completely alone. The man I spent so many years with has vanished and couldn't care less about my welfare or how his actions have impacted his son and I. He lives with his girlfriend, works with her and we only talk in regards to the one day a week he sees our son. I refuse to let him see me upset now, when we do see each other i am polite as he doesnt deserve my tears - unlike me no longer knowing him, he knows me and is well aware how deeply traumatised i am but still doesnt care as it make his new life difficult if he was to actually talk to me.

My son is now a few months old and although i have some form of routine i'm not going to lie and say it's easy. It is hard!!! I am a single mum looking after a baby alone, my parents passed years ago and whilst friends have been amazing they have their own lives and cannot be on hand 24/7 nor do i want to constantly bring them down with my woes.
I've asked him for help on numerous occasions, making it clear i will not talk about us or what happened i just need help sometimes so that i can get things done or help with bath and bedtime ( tired babies at bedtime are hard work ) but im told its not realistic and that he will not help me at our house - i am well aware this is because it would impact his new relationship.

I had a baby with my best friend, someone i thought i knew inside out and would be the best father in the world but he turned out to be a morally corrupt, deceitful pig who if i actually knew would never dream of having a child with - when he sees our son i am literally handing him over to a stranger and it kills me every time. My son deserves a relationship with his dad, no matter what has been done to me I know i cannot use that against him but the injustice of it all cuts me deep.
All of the amazing memories we should have shared as a family are never going to be and i am trying my hardest to make memories of my own but feel my pregnancy, birth and his early months are tainted - im on auto pilot in an attempt to get through the day..bottles, weaning, bath, bed, night feeds, washing, taking care of a house...this is not how it was supposed to be..why should i put my baby to bed and then spend the night crying googling anything and everything that could remotely relate to my story in an attempt to find some kind of closure i know will never come.

Why am I being treated like a stranger by someone I loved with all of my heart, who I remained loyal for so many years and shared life's ups and downs with.I have so many questions of which will forever go unanswered...

How can you walk away from your own child?
Why did you not tell me the truth?
Do you think about us and how different things could have been?
Do you miss me?
How can you be with another woman, live, sleep, eat with her knowing your family are at home struggling to get through the day?
How can you act like our relationship never existed after so many years together ?
How could you have an affair knowing our child was growing inside of me?
Why am I treated like I've done something wrong?
Why did you not just talk to me as soon as you started to have doubts?
How could you sleep with another woman knowing how much it would kill me, knowing every time the devastation it would cause yet continuing without a second thought?
How can you sleep at night?
How are you able to completely switch off any feelings you had, even if you genuinely did not love me anymore and could not see a future? I could never treat another person the way you have/are treating me.
If you left me and did not have a girlfriend would you still not be supporting me with our son or do you refuse because it causes issues in your relationship ?
Have you lost your mind !!!?
Are you having a midlife crisis?

I am so lucky to have a beautiful happy baby, he is amazing and brings me so much joy. I try my hardest every day to put my feelings aside and to spend as much quality time with him as i possibly can but sometimes feel like i'm drowning and nobody can hear me screaming for help. Is 5 months a long time to be feeling this way ? I am soooo much better than the first couple of months so it's definitely going in the right direction but the trauma of it is so overpowering and i still think about it 24/7 or re-live the happy moments we shared, the ones he seems to have erased. How dare he erase what we had to justify his disgusting actions.

Please karma be real…..

[MagicoRomantico]

@6sarahh87

I've only read your OP...I will read the rest later.
Omg, what a fucking pig! I am so angry on your behalf. I can feel your pain and have been there so really understand. I think you are amazing to bring up a newborn while suffering heartbreak. I imagine I would have collapsed and actually gone mad 😭

[sarahh87]

Hi @MagicoRomantico Sorry to hear you have been through the same thing. Believe me there are days I feel that way, today being one of them. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

[sarahh87]

Thank you for your comments @ThirdThoughts
There are so many thoughts constantly going through my mind which i know is the trauma/shock and until now iv'e tried to give myself time to process and grieve but there is only so much you can do alone so I will definitely be speaking with a professional.

Everything happens for a reason..that's what iv'e always told myself so will look for the silver linings of opportunities.

You are right when you say who cares what rational he gives for acting that way..it doesn't matter as he did and that's the end of it.

I am trying to talk to myself as i would a friend going through the same situation and taking my own advice rather than wallowing and thinking of what could have been. You only get one life, I need to start living mine again for both my son and I.

[Aminuts23]

Wow what a piece of work he is. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this. He’ll never do the decent thing and give you the answers. And your questions are all completely natural.
I haven’t been in your situation but keep reaching out to your friends, they’ll want to help you as much as they can.
The best way you can get ‘karma’ is for you and your baby to live your best lives. Take your time with recovering from this. Be kind to yourself. Readjust your crown and hold your head high. You’ve got this

[JovialNickname]

I can really feel your pain through your post OP, your writing is so eloquent. Especially your list of questions, they made me cry. You're right you will never get the answers from him you are looking for, but other women will read your post and feel your emotions and understand, if that feels like any help at all. You have your lovely baby; and what a loss it is for your shit of an ex that he threw everything away.