Help me to not become the crazy ex!

[Bubbleandboil]

This is sooo not me.

Been with stbxp for 11 years. 2 dc 8&3.
He’s been nothing but a shitty partner for the whole time.
I was planning on leaving him days before I found I was pg the first time - same with 2nd - and decided to stay for the kids.
The only bad choices I made.

Now don’t get me wrong, he’s never been violent or a bad person. Just extremely lazy, selfish and narsissitic (that last one only came to (my) light after I started seeing a therapist in July)
All these years I’ve done everything. I’ve asked for help with housework. Never got it. I’ve asked for help with the children. Never got it. I’ve asked for affection/appreciation. Never got it.
My wants and needs have never been valid. The nice things I did were never reciprocated.
His comments and behaviour towards me that hurt me were never his fault. They were my feelings, and my issues so were never his problem he told me this every time I raised them.
I had given him everything.
He came to me with nothing. I provided a secure roof over his head with no charges for rent (I own the house)
I I paid out when emergencies happened eg when the joint car went kaput and we needed a new one.
I swallowed the £14k loss in wages per mat leave - absolutely nothing changed for him financially or in his lifestyle when the kids came along.....I could go on

The years of gas lighting and zero effort ground me down.
I started therapy with the thinking that it was me dragging us down. For the 1st time I was listened to and shown that everything I’d been asking for would be a “given” in a normal healthy relationship.
I became strong again and told him he had to leave.
He’s had a month to find somewhere to go and leaves next week to stay in a siblings spare room.

I am consumed with sadness and anger.
He’s never been able to talk about “feelings” so didn’t want to hear the whys and what fors of why we’ve come to this.
I feel like everything’s been a lie after all these years because I realise now he’s never had any intention of making things right. I feel so sorry for our children who are now going to have to be shipped back and forth between two homes every few days (and hate that they’re going to have him without me there to balance out his lack of emotion/ignorance/low tolerance of them)

He plays the nice guy, charming and warm to outsiders. But he’s totally not.
And I can feel myself wanting to shout from the rooftops, as soon as he’s gone, just exactly who he is.

Please talk me down from doing this because it’s soooo not me.
Is there a way to do it without becoming the crazy ex?

Sorry, that was longer than I wanted....Thankyou if you got to the end.

Try Alan Robarge on you tube.
Loads of good stuff.

Maybe do a bit of meditation to clear your mind and climb down from this charged and probably toxic emotional state.

You don't need to shout anything from the rooftops, the one who needs to know this stuff is you, and you know it now.

You don't need anyone to validate / approve / agree with your decision.
You are out of it now...might take your head a while to catch up with that.
Take some time to gather yourself together before planning your next steps. Invest in your wellbeing and your children at this stage.

You don't need to put him down to bring yourself up.
If you act against him in this way it will fuel the relationship, the toxicity will keep you connected and it is unhealthy for all of you.

Look at it objectively, tried it, didn't work, move on.
Detatch.

Thank you.
My emotional state last night was rock bottom. We’d spoken to the kids and told them for the 1st time earlier that day and I guess it was all a release of trying to keep myself together all this time.
I know what’s right, and I know what you’re saying is right.
I guess I’m kind of grieving for me and for them.
It’s so hard when he’s not accepting any kind of responsibility for any of it and is still gaslighting me in a way that makes out he’s the “good guy”.
He called me a cunt last night for pointing out that we wouldn’t be in this situation if wasn’t for his actions.

Don't try and convince him of anything.
Him not taking responsibility, calling you a vile name, this is more evidence of why you are breaking away.
Do you need more evidence?
What more do you need to see?

You have done well in making the break.
Think about going low/as close to no contact as you can get it.
So you can start to heal and build yourself up.

Stop talking to him. It’s done. You know what went on. There are no medals for being right. Now you focus on you. You forget he exists. Start preparing yourself for him to suddenly start playing “dad of the year”. Get a thick skin. You wanted out for your own valid reasons. Stay in counselling. Find yoga and meditation and friends. Distract distract distract. Set up an email account and everytime you want to vent at him, write to that instead. Let yourself grieve. How you’re feeling is right and normal. It’s going to be ok.

Coming out of a toxic relationship is very, very different to a normal relationship ending.
This is the first thing you have to accept. Your family and friends may not get it so find a safe place. I recommend a Journal to vent and YouTube, Dr Ramani, also Dr Elinor Greenberg is also an excellent resource. You need to have your feelings validated.

The damage and hurt from these relationships is much deeper and it takes time to process that you have been with someone who didn't care enough.

You are grieving for you and the children and that is genuine grief. I also felt so bewildered that the person I had loved could so easily leave (and go to OW that he had lined up) rather than deal with his issues. The reality is they are so damaged that they can't deal with their issues. They will continue to repeat the pattern with someone else.

I worried about my dc when with Ex but actually whilst it's difficult for them it has taught them a very valuable life lesson. Shallow, charming (on the outside) but completely self centred people exist. The time with me highlights the difference and I show them normal healthy relationships. As they get older we talk about how some people dismiss your feelings, how they fail to take responsibility and how they never repair hurts caused.

Be prepared to be treated badly by him. He may seek to provoke and punish you by taking away what he feels is important to you. That is likely to be via the children. He may mess you about with contact so that your life is difficult, he may withhold information about them, he may introduce women to them and profess the new partner is the love of his life. Practice low to no reactions.
Looking back Ex tried so hard to get reactions from me, at the time it was painful and whilst I didn't respond it caused me anguish. He chose critical times as well, such as important events. I learnt to block him before events. Give yourself a treat/acknowledgement when you haven't reacted.

Also expect the worse from him, I still forget this and at times his selfishness causes me to feel so shocked. Being outside and seeing how they manipulate is almost more shocking than being in it.

Be kind to yourself, get out in nature when you can and try to have one small goal to distract yourself when he has the children.

He’s never been able to talk about “feelings” so didn’t want to hear the whys and what fors of why we’ve come to this.

He knows already but doesn't care to discuss it because he refuses to be accountable.

I agree that you should just ignore him and far preferably get him out earlier.

I also love alan robarge and have watched a couple of his videos that really resonated about four times (when you are chronically rejected by your family of origin).

@Bubbleandboil all I can say to you is that BELIEVE in your own ability to get to the point where you not only do not care that this relationship is over, but to the point where you are extremely relieved it is over.

Alan Robarge has a good video about colluding in your own poor treatment which is really really good. Let me get the exact title.

and even if that's not an option, this video will make you see that you need to act in a way that is from now on in congruence with the belief that you deserve better.

“Stop talking to him. It’s done. You know what went on. There are no medals for being right. Now you focus on you. You forget he exists. Start preparing yourself for him to suddenly start playing “dad of the year”. Get a thick skin. You wanted out for your own valid reasons. Stay in counselling. Find yoga and meditation and friends. Distract distract distract. Set up an email account and everytime you want to vent at him, write to that instead. Let yourself grieve. How you’re feeling is right and normal. It’s going to be ok.”

This is brilliant advice from @Fortunategirl. He has never given you what you want. That’s not going to change. Fortunately it doesn’t really matter. You’re breaking free and making a good life for yourself now without him grinding you down. Focus on building that future.

I will give the Alan guy a watch, thanks.
I’ve been writing down my feelings and things I want to scream at him to get them out of my system - it does help.
I also found old letters to him I’d composed in my emails when talking to him wasn’t working, so have been re reading those to remind me of why I was leaving. Some of the things in them I’d totally forgotten about and reminded me just how shitty he’s been.
I will get through this!!
I’ll have to block the crazy voice in my head every time she pops up because I know she isn’t me. And I don’t want to become her.