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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I loathe my good friend's husband

13 replies

Zuberbuehler · 20/10/2004 15:28

Surely quite a common problem??! It used to be that we simply weren't on the same wavelength, but in the past two or three years has matured into a loathing I didn't know I was capable of feeling. Typical behaviour includes:
-telling stories where he comes out on top; we later find out he in fact made a bit of an idiot of himself, not badly but enough that his retelling is an untruth rather than spin.
-lying to his wife (my lovely friend) about his work commitments so that he's out of the house at times when she really needs help with the kids.
-watching her almost fall apart while breastfeeding twins (I should add successfully, and they have a 3-yr-old son as well so quite a feat) and refusing to 'allow' formula even though she was so tired and wanted to give up.
-alienating a lot of her friends so we only want to socialise with her not them together, of course this feels like rejection to her so we make the effort but the evening is so hard to get through it must be obvious...?!
-I could go on but it all gets petty...Lots of stuff directly against us too that we've overheard or heard about...

Question is: to what extent can I let out how much I dislike him? I mean, is it ok to say, look I'm sorry, I love you but I don't like Dave, so why don't we make the best of our friendship and get together when we can rather than ploughing away at this sham? As I write I know the answer to that...so, how do I keep it in? Help! I'm going to lose it soon and everyone will get hurt.

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 20/10/2004 15:35

Difficult situation zuber - I think if I were you I would avoid him as much as possible without directly telling my friend that I loathe him. Does she love him? Does she talk about his bad behaviour to you?

Caligula · 20/10/2004 15:37

Avoid him. Not obviously, but just make sure you set up dates where he's not available. Make time to do girly things together like shopping.

You can't say you dislike him, because then she'll feel disloyal if she wants to rant at you about him. So she won't and there may come a time when she needs to, but can't because he's become a no go area of conversation between you.

harrassedmum · 20/10/2004 15:45

I wouldnt say i dislike him, especially if she is having a tough time coping with 3 young kids, it may feel like more rejection to her. Spacemonkey has a good point about how does she feel about him? Is she aware that people may not like him? He does sound horrible though..

SoupDragon · 20/10/2004 15:47

I would imagine she proably knows you don't like him much. I wouldn't say anything though, just grin and bear it.

Twiglett · 20/10/2004 15:54

NO .. you can never tell a wife that you dislike their husband ... you are directly insulting the man they chose to spend their life with .. and insulting their judgement, life choices at the same time

Even if they split up you should never say you never liked him

seems like you're making a lot of judgements regarding his treatment of her .. does she complain about him a lot? be careful we all complain about our nearest and dearest but should anyone outside dare to that would be trouble

If its that much of a problem just don't see them together .. be her friend, not couply friends

That's what I think anyway

Fibe · 20/10/2004 16:06

Just be there for her. If he is as bad as you expect, then there will come a time when she will need a good friend to support her.

bakedpotato · 20/10/2004 16:10

does he correct your pronunciation?

if so, I know who he is!

actually, the irritating husband i know is great with his kids and a devoted husband, so he can't be the same one. But plenty of us (her old friends) do have issues with him and TBH i know he enjoys this and likes to needle us a bit. I've accepted that we won't see that much of either of them, even though she and I used to be close

re 'alienating you': if he is cheeky to your face, i urge you to be cheeky back. just because he is married to a friend doesn't mean he should be exempt from the normal social constraints. this is what i do, it's the only way to get through the meetings, and it seems to liven him up a bit. my friend doesn't (appear to) mind. she knows what he is like, as your friend must, in her heart of hearts. mind you, it's only cheekiness, not bloodletting

leglebegle · 20/10/2004 16:18

I HATE my friends partner and have done so for the last 8 years. He is a complete moron. I avoid him as best I can and have as little to do with him as possible. I have never brought it up with my friend as she would just freak out and we'd never speak again. She thinks the sun shines out of his a*. I thought for years it was just me but lately found out that a mutual friend hates him too and my DH who is usually the most tolerant of men, also hates him. So I have concluded the guy is just an idiot, I leave well alone, and pretend he doesn't exist. I don't have to do foursomes as 'he isn't into that' and they live miles away. I just see my friend when she comes home.

Original poster

Zuberbuehler · 20/10/2004 19:23

Yup, you're all right, I know I can't say anything, for all the reasons you've given. SoupD I am pretty sure she knows, she is not daft and she knows me too well. Twiglett, I am not making judgements about his treatment of her, I can not only observe it myself but she has confided in me that things are not ok. I don't see that as an invitation - though I'm mentally straining to keep quiet! - so I stay zipped, as you suggest.

It's just so hard seeing someone you love being walked all over, telling herself it's her fault or her duty to ignore his behaviour, when really all it would take is a few small changes in his behaviour to make things a lot better. But if she won't let him know his behaviour makes life difficult - even miserable sometimes - for her, then no-one can help, right? I hate too that this strong, vibrant person is now pitied by her friends (but that's up to us to stop doing) as well as being mentally and physically worn-out while he gloats. (Yes, he gloats. Need I go on?!)

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 20/10/2004 19:23

I agree, you shouldn't tell her. This though, is from the woman who got pissed with a good friend recently and told her her husband is an arse with no respect for her or her feelings. Luckily she agrees with me and was drunk too so no hard feelings. Eek!

CarrieG · 23/10/2004 00:49

From the 'woman with ghastly partner' perspective...my first dh had a serious alcohol problem which made him an utter nightmare as far as all my friends were concerned. He died 5 years ago & I've since remarried to a lovely, lovely bloke & had ds.

My best mate never pulled any punches whatsoever in telling me that she couldn't stand A or the way he treated me - & even that she wasn't prepared to have anything to do with him socially. She never stopped telling me I should leave him - I never stopped telling her that, for various reasons, that wasn't going to happen.

Since dh1's death, she knows I'm not about to listen to criticism of him - I don't need to, I heard it all when he was alive! But there's no way I'd've believed her if she'd pretended to be his biggest fan.

Unless your friend has her head well & truly in the sand, I'd imagine she knows EXACTLY what you think of her dh - she must have picked up on the vibe of utter loathing! So yes, I'd just arrange things for you two to do together which don't involve him. She probably won't challenge you on it, & if she does, you can say exactly what you've said here - that you hate to see her being walked all over. That's more or less what my friends said to me, & believe me it registered & I was grateful for their support, even tho' I'd decided that I wasn't going to leave dh1.

newgirl · 23/10/2004 14:38

I don't like one of my friends husbands, but she adores him; so I figure that she knows him better than I do and I try to like him more because she does. I think its a good idea to answer back if he is rude to you, else you can end up thinking over and over about things that piss you off, and then they grow even bigger. One friend has been married for ten years and I didn't particularly get on with her husband, but I like him a lot now; we just became more similar over time.

jane313 · 25/10/2004 13:03

I had that with one of my friends and I don't think she has any idea. Many of our mutual friends dislike him too but she was convinced that one of them fancied him so she was completely clueless. Its hard if its not just disliking thm but seeing them treated badly or patronised too. The best thing about us both having kids is that we only see each other now whilst our partners do the babysitting.

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