DH behaving erratically - do I end the marriage or hang n there?

[StartupRepair]

Married 23 years, ds 22 and dd 18. Have always suspected DH is on the spectrum as his communication can be poor but we have been reasonably happy.
The last few months I have begun to wonder if he is bipolar. He is full of wild grandiose ideas, spending large sums without discussion and becomes incredibly hurt and angry if I challenge him. He appears to be burning bridges at work. Planning a ludicrously long shot run at politics. With no business experience he is also een to buy a local clearly failing business.
We have been in lockdown where we live for much of the year so none of us is at our best. I had an honest talk with DD yesterday and she told me that she too is finding him really difficult.
When I try to talk to him I get told I am just hypercritical and ruining his dreams and plans.
I have asked him to make an appointment with a local psychologist which will take a few weeks.
Meanwhile what do I do? I feel so worn out from all the arguing and the anxiety that he is going to do something financially catastrophic.

This sounds very difficult and complex. My first thought is that if you make your own money and have joint accounts, get your money and open a private account asap.

What Aqua said, do what you can to ensure your financial (and physical) safety. Mental illness of this "subjective" type (i.e. he's not trying to hitchhike to Paris naked or running up and down the corridors at work singing) in middle aged men seems to be really really hard to treat.

I'd love to offer solutions rather then the rather depressing observation that it seems to be a certain pattern that men can hold it together for 10-20 years and then the paranoia and conspiracy fixations etc just bloom and rampage out of control.

Is he open to speaking to someone locally about mental health? You can explain to him that you may not be right and they may say everything is fine but because you're a team you want him to be open to having it looked into as you're worried about him.

I have bipolar and he sounds very similar to me in manic phases before I was diagnosed and medicated.

Finding the right meds has been absolutely life changing so a diagnosis can be the start of things improving rather than a negative.

You sound lovely and supportive, he's lucky - it's clear you've got his best interests at heart

Get your half of any money secure and then go before he can spend it.

This isn't going to end well - better to be ready so when the moment comes that you think 'No. I'm not doing this', you can get up and go without any difficulty.

Thanks for supportive replies. He is so caught up in the excitement of his own ideas that he can't look at anything objectively. Our finances are all completely enmeshed. I am embarrassed that he is talking about contacting my friends and family to include them in his wonderful schemes. I haven't told anyone in real life. My mother is very elderly and frail and my focus has been inner and supporting DC in lockdown. And working in a challenging job.

Can you call his GP and raise your concerns - they may call him in under the auspices of a health check?

I agree with others you can get all your financials sorted, separated and even take legal advice - get ahead so that you can just push the button when you are ready,

These things often progress rapidly and you need to protect yourselves emotionally and financially. Don’t feel any guilt.

There is an ongoing thread here where the DH ended up in psychiatric care and the OP carried on with the divorce.

Short attention span, especially for non-preferred tasks
Hyperactivity, which may be physical, verbal, and/or emotional
Impulsivity, which may manifest as recklessness
Fidgeting or restlessness
Disorganization and difficulty prioritizing tasks
Poor time management and time blindness
Frequent mood swings and emotional dysregulation
Forgetfulness and poor working memory
Trouble multitasking and executive dysfunction
Inability to control anger or frustration
Trouble completing tasks and frequent procrastination
Distractibillity
Difficulty awaiting turn

Is this him? I have wondered about my DH for many years, he seems to have some spectrum traits, then I thought Bi-polar, then came across this for ADHD....

DH never diagnosed, but the impulsivity and recklessness ring massive bells....

Sounds v like my ex - finally diagnosed bipolar. Who also has imo ASD traits. Get onto GP Asap. Consider freezing any bank accounts he has access to. If you can remove his wallet etc. I know it sounds drastic but believe me you need to protect yourself. Best wishes.

OP I've known two men with bipolar and they were both very like this in the manic stage.

I agree you need to protect your money, and see if there's any way you can get him to a GP, or just see (/talk to on the phone) the GP about it yourself.

Also is it so bad if lots of friends and family know what's going on? You might feel less stressed and there would be more people who could gently suggest to him that he might need to see GP.

I know there's the psychologist appointment but is he definitely agreeing to go?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H?pg=1

You might want to have a look at this ladies threads - this isn’t her first but gives a summary of how things progressed.

OP,
Please protect yourself.

Seek legal advice to freeze your assets/separate them.

Do not allow his illness which indeed sounds like a bipolar manic episode.

Do not allow him to bully you into any financial transactions.

Please seek legal advice.

Taking action too late will cost you.
Act now.

It sounds stressful and the question is, do you want this to be your future?

It sounds exhausting.

This sounds like absolutely classic bi-polar mania stage behaviours. I hope it's a mild form of it - and fingers crossed that he reverts back to normal behavioural ways in the not too distant future. Please seek professional advice. Very best wishes.

Update: he has agreed to see the gp this week, has apologised for hurting me by making decisions without discussing them and has said he 'might have got a bit carried away'. I am feeling extremely wary still.

That’s a significant step in the right direction. Do you think he would allow you to sit in with him - because he could present any story / symptoms he wanted and he may also interpret Dr words in a distorted way. It’s important to be really clear to communicate accurately behaviour change. He might still be in a manic phase or slipping into a depression. You don’t need to endure many cycles of this - sounds like he needs intervention sooner rather than later. Don’t let him minimise anything.

I'm in the process of divorcing my DH after 20 years of trying to support him to manage his bipolar disorder type 1. Manic spending sprees are a feature of his illness and a key reason for us getting divorced. If you're married, the only legally watertight way you can separate your finances is if you get divorced - you can take shortterm practical steps like moving savings out of joint accounts if your DH is manic, but if he still can get access to money (my DH took out a loan) then his manic spending spree would be regarded as depleting your joint marital assets if you decided to divorce. Spouses of gambling addicts have the same problem. Sadly I decided that I couldn't take the risk to me and our DC of DH blowing 10s of thousands of pounds again.
I wish you good luck OP - if your DH does turn out to have bipolar then it can be managed with the right treatment and if your DH adheres to it

Thinking of you OP, hope you're ok.

Thank you. He is seeing the psychologist today. He also apologised yesterday for snapping at me the day before. In his way he is making an effort. Still wary, still considering my options.

I think you're absolutely right to be wary. Is he seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? Should be the latter for a bipolar diagnosis/rule it out. I'm glad to hear he apologised. Do you have much real life support who really get what you're saying? I found it difficult as my ex used to appear well to everyone else, except one couple thankfully....

I suggest you have a look at Robert O'Hare's checklist. It may not be bipolar.

Has he shown signs of this before? Sometimes these grandiose ideas or pushing boundaries (often sexual) seem to hit men as part of the typical mid life crisis stage.

I think that would be very difficult to put up with and to maintain the marriage. You must protect yourself and DD from this behaviour because he doesn't care.

I am so sorry to read the challenges you have. My best friends now ex husband displayed everything you have written. I even got caught up in one of his wild schemes and lost £2000 over it. Never again. Glad he is getting help. As others have said please, please protect yourself financially immediately. My friend was left with nothing, he one day thought he would become a day trader on the stock market and lost all their life savings in a few days, they lost the deposit for a house that they were just about to buy and she is now divorced and penniless in rented accommodation having raised 4 of his children on next to nothing. Diagnosis and medication might help. You must stay wary of everything and get on top of all the financial paperwork and keep it safe away from your husband. This type of behaviour cant be treated over night. Keep safe and be safe.

Women on here are encouraged to get married if kids are involved.

I'm glad I didnt as my STBXP went and gambled away £500k that was meant for our DD. I have my own money and assets which he can't touch.

Something else to be aware of is that the behavioural variant of frontotemporal dementia (early onset) can produce the sort of erratic behaviour you describe.

How was his appointment OP? Hope you're ok