Feeling a bit low and wiped out

[LibisLib]

Hello everyone!

Not quite sure what I’m looking for here, but I have been feeling very, very down recently (had a phone appt with drs yesterday as I am concerned) so please go gently with me!

I just feel very bleak at the moment and I suppose feel like I need to find a way to feel more positive in order to address the things that are getting me down.

I feel quite isolated at the moment. A few years ago I would have proudly said I have great friendships and people I could depend on and was always hosting and visiting pals (having lived a few different places).

I’ve worked freelance for about 5 years and moved to a new city about 3-4 years ago. I met my current partner about 3 years ago. In the couple of months before DP and I met, I went to a music festival weekend with friends in the UK, and visited other friends in two different countries (I remind myself this now as I feel confused about my life...!). I’d been pro-actively attending meet-ups and clubs in the local area to try and make connections and get a social life going in the new city.

I met my DP when they moved into my place as a lodger (I have several lodgers). I felt early on that we should live apart but he was reluctant to. I agreed to give it a go and a few months later still felt the same. He always wanted to spend a lot / all our time together and I felt overwhelmed. My needing more space was a topic that came up constantly although somehow the resolution we arrived at would always be them spending more time in the spare room but essentially keeping everything the same.

I felt quite suffocated by the relationship in some ways (I am only presenting this particular aspect here – there is lots of good as well) and wasn’t really getting any time to myself, not enough to then feel like I had headspace to go out and meet new people. I remember quite clearly a few months in looking forward 4 months ahead to a festival weekend with some friends in the summer that was preplanned – a chance in sight to finally surface for air. There was a post on MN recently about someone who had been ‘love-bombed’ and some of it did sound familiar. Although the relationship itself is ‘real’.

About a year in I realised that I was actually feeling quite trapped. I hadn’t spent time with anyone apart from him (and his family, who are lovely) in a year (apart from the festival weekend).

I don’t have very supportive family and at this point (now) I feel like I haven’t had an active social life for years. I must admit that in part meeting my DP has made me feel able to not rely on family who are crap and disappointing. However I also feel distanced now from other friends and acquaintances and feel like I’ve lost years of my life that I can never get back – if my DP and I were to break up there will be no-one to reminisce about any of that time with. It makes me feel so bereft.

He’s a very supportive partner and is always happy to do everything – he cooks, he does housework, he’s always happy to listen. I love him and we do have a great bond. He admits now he was a twat at the beginning of the relationship and he shouldn’t have put pressure on me to maintain the initial living situation. Of course there’s no danger of that changing now. As recently as a few months back I suggested us getting our own places but he is very resistant to this and feels it’s a step back, he wouldn’t be able to afford his own place and would have to move into shared accommodation. I get his reluctance to do this.

However I feel really resentful towards him and like I’ve lost myself. I can’t tell which way is up anymore to be honest. And I see friends from my home town who never left and who are closer and closer as the years go by and I just wonder if I should never have left. I feel like I moved around too much and didn’t realise it would leave me high and dry. Just regretting lots of decisions and feeling like I’ve done everything all wrong. I’ve sensed recently that a few long time friendships have grown distant and I feel like I’m being left behind. I find myself snapping at my partner which I don’t like and is unfair on him.

I also feel like I’ve aged in the last year (I’m 37) and suddenly feel that the meeting new people portion of my life is over. I feel scared and horrified when I look in the mirror. I suddenly feel I’ve woken up as a middle-aged woman with no life and a partner I resent but need emotionally.

I’m thinking a lot at the moment about kids but I saw my parents and especially my mum lead very socially isolated lives and I already feel trapped and isolated – I’m scared at the thought of having a kid without a support network. Again, that then makes me feel very resentful as this is what I should have been spending the last few years doing – creating a life where I am, building a circle. I feel like life could be really good now, but maybe I’m just ruminating and creating an ideal of how things should have been.

My partner lived in the area for over a decade already before we met so does have friends in the area. It makes me annoyed that he’s all set up nicely while the set up has had an adverse effect on me. I sound lovely don’t I I’m aware that there is some rumination involved at this point and I’m unhappily zoning in on this.

This obviously has been really highlighted by ..err recent events. After Christmas last year I told my partner that we need to get out more and meet people. I was feeling at that point like something had to change for my sanity. Then obviously things changed a bit..!

I tried to speak to a family member recently and they just said something along the lines of ‘oh well you won’t meet anyone better than him will you’ not meant unkindly but just made me so sad that they didn’t feel my feelings matter. It just makes me feel again that there’s nothing else there apart from him.

Just to clarify, I’m not necessarily saying I want to break up, just that I feel there is a huge imbalance in my life and I feel trapped and so bleak and sad at the moment. I was attending some online events during lockdown but I have fallen into a hole and struggling to get back out. I need to feel less isolated before I can consider anything else but don’t know where I can find the confidence and positivity from right now.

I've been feeling suicidal recently (have spoken to GP) and can’t make any big changes to my life as I don’t have the strength or every or support network. I’m feeling quite fragile.

But need to work out a way to feel more positive and get involved in stuff and get a foothold back on things.

Can anyone offer any words of encouragement? Please be gentle!!!

Sorry OP, it's good you're in touch with your GP about the mental health issues, that's a huge step so well done.

I see you don't necessarily want to break up with your partner but if you don't want to live together with them you are under no obligation to. You don't owe them this, they're a responsible adult too and can handle themselves if you need space. Your needs are just as important as theirs. You say they are nice in other ways but not respecting your needs here or giving you space when it is clearly a major issue in the relationship is not the response I would expect from a supportive partner. It's also making you resent them, which doesnt bode well long term. I'm not saying they're a bad person, and it's great you have many other positive connections with them, but they seem to be letting their own financial issues guide their attitude too much here -- at your expense. A proper sit down may be needed where you firmly state your case, letting them know it's in the interests of the relationship. Sadly, as difficult as the money may be for them, it's not up to you to provide discounted shelter for this person when living together is making you this unhappy. Its important they can respect this, particularly if its jeopardising the relationship and your health. I would think carefully about having a child with this person in these circumstances as you're already feeling trapped as it is.

I know things are hard with the current situation but maybe you could make some more independent connections outside your relationship by joining a walking club or similar. Or how about an online book club? Seems like you're craving some independence (which we all need!) and I wonder if engaging with something like this might help you rediscover your identity again and give you access to a more independent head space.

Have a browse online anyway and take the plunge and send an email if something takes your fancy. You can always cancel further down the line if you need to but take that first step again if you feel able. There may be some IRL things on offer again. Near me there is a community garden, city walking clubs, volunteering opportunities. Some of them are starting up again with covid measures in place. Or maybe think about something you liked doing as a kid and I'm sure there's an adult club version that's either running with new safety measures. You're more likely to make lasting connections if it's something you truly enjoy.

Has the GP referred you for therapy? It seems like you could do with some protected talking space and proper guidance to work through some of this.

You're doing really well in a tough situation

Thank you very much @BittyCharleston for the kind response, I appreciate it. I will look into some of the clubs you suggest. I just need a bit of hope at this point that things can get better. Thank you also for pointing out that I don’t have to live in circumstances I don’t want to – it’s nice to hear that..!! I feel like I’m stuck in this weird trap where it was a one-way street and I didn’t realise until it was too late.

So sorry to hear of your predicament. If you feel depressed then it will feel like you are walking through treacle. Difficult and slow. Feeling low will mire your thoughts too. I think that your relationship didn't get to go through the normal pacing....dating, seeing each other once a week then twice a week, the butterflies, the excitement then into the next stages of attaching and becoming a couple. What I want to say to you is you are going through a temporary feeling. Covid has been a bugger for everyone and as you felt a bit trapped before lockdown I can imagine that this feeling is multiplied. I hope your GP is getting you some CBT therapy and maybe meds if he has diagnosed you. Your feelings will change and you will come through this. On the note of getting together with new friends. I am 56, I have 2 groups of friends that I have known for over 30 years I see regularly...but 2 of my closest friends are one I met 9 years ago, I was 47, when I joined a new theatre group, and we talk daily. The second friend I met only 3 years ago at 53....her dog came into the cafe and came straight to me, we started chatting and we are in contact frequently. You can and will build new friendships, a little difficult now but it will happen if you want it. Make sure you build them separately from your OH. Its healthier that way.