what should i do to help my friend?

[cheeryface]

my closest friend has had her partner suddenly up and leave her and their 12 year old daughter.
this was about 3 months ago.

although he was never a really great partner/father she is of course gutted.

she hasn't been eating properly and is really wallowing and hurting. the doctor gave her antidepressants but she has decided not to take them.

the only way she finds to cheer herself up is by going to the pub with me and our other friend on a friday/ saturday night.

it sounds awful but i don't want to go out every weekend, i want to be with my family and she puts the pressure on all week which makes me feel very guilty

she has found out last night that he has someone else and is in a state today.

what on earth do i do? and should i really be putting her situation before my family?

i have tried to point her in the direction of hobbies/distractions etc but she just doesn't want to know.

i feel really bad for her.

Im afraid to say that she is the only one who can help herself. As for the anti-depressants, I was prescribed them and didn't take them for a while but I got myself into such a tizz that I eventually did and I now take them when needed. I thought that I should have been strong enough todeal with the situation and that by taking them I was proving myself to be a failure that only loony people take them, but it isn't true. If she was a diabetic she would take the insulin. Anti- depresants are there to treat a different kind of illness and if she doesn't take them and for at least 6 weeks she will end up causing hurting her child by neglect or bad temper or just lack of loving.

she is obviously really hurting so i think it may be a little harsh to accuse her of wallowing but i certainly think you need to tell her that occasional nights out are fine but not every week. I am sure you realise that when you go home to your husband, she goes home to the one he left her in and you sound like a lovely friend so i think telling her honestly that you feel very concerned for her mental wellbeing, are out of your depth and perhaps find some numbers of really good councellors for her and then refuse to engage in any more talk about it. Failing that point her in our direction - the lone parent section on this site is very supportive and kind and might help her through a bit.

thanx for that

prettyfly is right, I think the only thing you can do when things are getting this bad is to tell her you are out of your depth, and as much as you will be there for her when you can, she has to take the steps herself to get through this. whether that be through counselling, AD's, or new hobbies and new friendships.

I say this as someone who was left devastated when my husband left less than 12 months ago, leaving me with a 1 year old baby and no home. But even in my darkest, lowest days, I still knew when I was putting on friends too much, and I knew that at the end of the day, it was up to me to find ways through it.

I did it by using a variety of things. I used MN for support/advice and also to help others (sort of a way to take my mind off things).
I got in touch with old friends and arranged to meet up.
I organised nights out with current friends, but kept them to about once a month (knowing that they would be balancing nights out with me, with their own family committments).

I chatted with people via MSN and dating sites (just to keep my mind busy and for something to do!) The nutters I came across kept me on my toes! But online, it was harmless fun. Never felt the need to meet up with anyone.

I focussed on looking for a new house and invested a lot of time and energy in finding a new (better) job (started the new job only last week!).

I also arranged to see a counsellor, which has been fantastic.

The reason I'm telling you all of that is to give you some examples of the things I did to perhaps suggest to your friend. Words cannot describe what she will be going through. But she has not lost sight of reality and is fully able to appreciate that you have a family and responsibilities that you cannot drop every week for her. (And IMO, she is being selfish in not acknowledging that. )

To be harsh. It is not your fault he left and ultimately it is not your problem - not if it is draining you and impacting on precious time that you want to spend with your family.
I think we get out of friendships what we put in. And sadly at the moment you are giving a lot more than you are getting back. Don't feel guilty. All you can do is advise and support when you can. The rest is up to her.