Can't find my tribe

[Judester000]

Hi, I'm happily married with small kids but no close friends. I've had friends at times in the past but inevitably they've moved away and lost touch. I have acquaintances but struggle to find someone I click with. I always make an effort to chat at the park and at groups when we could go to those but i must give out the wrong vibes as i never really get past the surface chat. Once i arranged a walk in the park with another mum but i didn't hear from her again (i saw her a few times at the group where we met) though i know she had become friends with others who attended the group later. It felt like being dumped by a boyfriend! I struggle to find anything interesting to say to people until I know them and people rarely hang about long enough for that. Not sure how to change? I'm an older mum, 46. My husband has close friends and their partners are nice but we have little in common. Any advice? I'm tired of being lonely.

I kind of have this problem too, people my age have much older kids and those with little kids don't want a friend 10 yrs older than them.
(I'm 41 with kids who are 6 and 7.)

Do you work, my work colleagues always want to do shit together.
Have you time to just get into stuff you enjoy like a walking club, shooting, whatever and go from there?

I would think a club or activity where people kind of expect to socialise would be better, people just in the park or whatever just might not be on that page.

Try and do things without kids. When kids are little, too much of your mind is on them. Friendship building needs your full attention.

I am the oldest at the school gates. 49 and ds is 6.. See others chatting and making plans. It is hard. In the past week a few have spoken (5 years in!) and it's been really weird tbh!!
Have you got a ddog op? Spoke to a complete stranger today as he had my favourite breed of ddog!! Easier to make conversation with a ddog!

I don't have kids but I really felt like this a few years ago. Was so sad that I didn't have friends although I knew a lot of people. Many 'friends' were my husbands and their partners. I was extremely low about it.
I joined a sports club and it's the best thing I ever did. I had to really push myself to go to the first training session and I've never looked back. And I'm not that great at the sport either!
We do so much together. Aged 18-50+. They surprised me with a guard of honour at wedding and it was the only part of the day I nearly cried at - ha!

@Ellovera2 what sport did you take up? I feel like op as well.

I took up hockey because it's the only sports club in my town! 😂 I love it though. Not a bitchy bunch - just a group of women enjoying the social side as much as the sport. No pressure to attend all training, every game etc. Most women who play are mums and they swear it's their non-negotiable hour of the week to 'have some me time'. The social side is a huge part though, even if it's only a few events a year it's something I look forward to so much.

Op I’m like you, and similar age, I’ve now given up and resigned myself to not having close friends.

DC is late teens so not even any chance of meeting other mums, they all have their own friends anyway.

There are 3 of us that would chat at pick up during primary school & have the occasional coffee, but they all had their own friends too. I miss the closeness of female friends I used to have in school, college & uni. Even work colleagues all meet up together for drinks.

If you are in Manchester, I would love a brew!

I’m the same OP, really struggling to find my tribe. I did meet and connect with some people through work so I know it’s possible. I find the mum group a really hard one to crack!

People in the park probably have nothing in common other than they use the park - the chances of bumping into someone similar to you must be huge. Not the best place to find a tribe. And when you say 'we' go to groups I'm presuming you mean groups for mums and dc - again the only thing you may have in common is that you have dc. A 'tribe' needs more than then I have dc and take them to a park.

Don't look in a convenient location or where your only commonality is that you're a parent. Look for shared adult interests. Like pp said: sports clubs, hobbies, book clubs. Somewhere that shows who you are, and where similar personalities/characters/interests go.

Find a club. I joined my running club. I now have loads of friends and it saved my mental health.

Honestly my social life is mainly online.

I'm in the same position OP. Never really found my tribe since university if I'm honest. Moved area 6 years ago and although I have a couple of 'mum friends' who I walk the dog with, we don't really socialise beyond that and we don't have a lot in common. I never seem to meet like-minded women or make close friendships. I'm not miserable and am generally fine with my own company and dh's and the dc's, but I do kind of feel like I'm missing out sometimes!

I don't play, but I know women make friends at golf clubs.

I'm in much the same position OP and these replies have been very helpful. Although apparently chimps pare down their friendships in later years to just a few close friends 😁🐒 www.theguardian.com/science/2020/oct/22/chimps-pare-down-their-social-circle-in-later-years-study

Hi. Likewise, and a single parent so find it difficult to do stuff at weekends etc as everyone is doing family things etc.
So
..I've joined a rowing club - been 4 times so far and LOVE it!! Everyone is super friendly and it's great having something for myself away from my every day life

I can understand difficulties making friends, I'm exactly the same.

However, nowadays it's quite common to be a mom in your 40s with small children.

Surely there must be plenty in your age group you could meet? xx

I'm an older mum too and struggle in the same way.

I actually seem to get on with people who are older than me. I have a couple of hobbies and my plan is to join a couple of groups connected to this when covid eases. I too, feel like I haven't found my tribe. I'm also thinking about getting a dog.

I have the same problem being a younger Mum!

It’s so hard to make friends. I’ve really struggled too and there are so many times I just want to chat to someone but there is no one apart from DH.

I envy all of you with the confidence to join a sports group.

Thanks for posting. I feel exactly the same. I have a child with Sen so it’s set me off down a slightly different road. Especially when the kids were young, people dropped us. It does make feel really lonely and it’s hard starting out when you don’t have any friends.

@isthistoonosy

I kind of have this problem too, people my age have much older kids and those with little kids don't want a friend 10 yrs older than them. (I'm 41 with kids who are 6 and 7.)

Do you work, my work colleagues always want to do shit together.
Have you time to just get into stuff you enjoy like a walking club, shooting, whatever and go from there?

I find this attitude so odd.

Why wouldn't a 31 to want to be friends with a 41 to, esp one at the same life stage?

The biggest age variance I have in friends is school and volunteering.
At scho we all own 5 year olds +others. The oldest Mom is our little group is 45, I'm 38, the others are 40, 37, 35 so all within a decade. But theres also one who is 30, 29 and 25. There's no issue about us oldies too old to understand the situation of the younger ones or th being too young to taken seriously. This isn't high school.

Op I think it's about finding something you can be Passionate about and then you'll find people who are also passionate about it and then half the job is done.

Or Mush or Peanut websites I think?

I really relate to this. I moved back here 7 years ago from a country where I had so many such close friends in the way of other ex pats and extended family with similar age dc, all in a similar situation that saw them like single parents for much of the year due to partners work commitments. People from all nationalities and walks of life. I recently saw the episode of sex and the city where Carrie is in France and sees the group of friends round the table in the coffee house and I cried as it's exactly how I feel. As a single parent I've no idea what the answer is. I work but no one seems to like me that much, I have little child free time but when I do I'm too exhausted to even think about taking up an every other weekend hobby. Ddog isn't helping but is at least a great companion. I dont understand why there were so many 'my people' before but absolutely none now. On the upside I've got very used to my own company now and am ok with it.

When I had my first child I met so many other parents and there were several close in age to me, on either side of 24. I'm still in touch with a few now.

I've met lots of different people since then through uni, work, volunteering, hobbies, online.

But only a few live anywhere near me and whilst there are people who will get on with me, I'm neurodivergent and also physically disabled, it's difficult for me to feel at ease in most people's company.

And typically, the few people I can be myself with all live a long way from me.

I'm pretty sure I've just found someone local to me who I might get on with - multi coloured hair, babywears, similar interests and beliefs and life experiences. But I'm so nervous these days and aware of my faults (or quirks depending on your stance) and in all fairness it's simply fatiguing to deal with new people and having to explain myself.

I hope you find your people. We all have people out there somewhere.

Maybe worth having a look on Facebook to see if they're are any groups with similar interests? Book group/dog walkers/crafting or whatever you are into. I've met some lovely friends this way.