has anyone been where i am and can help me with these fears?

[hotwera]

NC as this is all quite personal. I’m just wanting some support really. I’m late thirties and a year or so ago I went through an awful break up with my fiancé. We had been trying for a child and I had miscarried. In a matter of weeks my entire life and future as i knew it fell apart. We were together for 7 years and haven’t spoken now for 8 months, probably never will again. I’ve moved on from the relationship in the sense that I’ve got an ok grip on my life...job going ok, earn ok money, have my own place etc.

But fucking hell I feel like I will never have the life I wanted and it breaks my heart everyday. It’s no exaggeration to say that all of my family and friends and colleagues are deep into relationships and families. Not only do I feel like the odd one out but this is something I wanted all my life...a marriage and family. I KNOW it doesn’t guarantee happiness and I know it’s not always as good as it seems but after a 7 year relationship I can say that I was happier generally in that than in the last year or so. My life is very full and busy even in spite of covid but every night I have this all encompassing dark thoughts...

How will I meet someone to find to have a family with when it took 7 years with my ex to get into that stage? By then I would nearly be mid forties!

How will I find someone now I am late thirties, are all the men going to be divorced or not wanting to settle down?

How can I find someone right for me in a short space of time if I want a family? Most relationships evolve over a few years and I don’t have that time if I want a family with someone? This one scares me massively. I definitely do not want children alone. I’ve considered freezing but it doesn’t take away this fear about time if I ever did meet someone.

I struggle with the idea that any relationship I have now will still really be rather ‘new’ into my forties. Most people are celebrating ten year anniversaries or more by then. Would a relationship always feel insignificant now, it’s hardly going to be heading to a wonderful lifetime together is it

Will a man I meet be put off by the fact I had just begun trying for a baby with my ex? Will they be put off that I miscarried in the sense that I effectively was wanting a family with another man?

Am I too old now to find proper love where you feel like home and truly happy to be around someone? I’ve dated a bit recently and I feel like I just don’t care about anyone I meet. I’m over my ex for sure but I haven’t met anyone I want to see again.

Is there anyone out there who has been through this? I am so scared about the future, everything I thought it would be has been ripped apart and I feel like a happy relationship is unattainable now or worthless because I am so much older. I’m not dealing very well with these thoughts today. I’m scared and sad.

Exactly how I feel and if I’m honest I worry morning noon and night about it, I want genuine love, nothing I have to force or fake to achieve a dream. Having a family and genuine deep love is my dream as well and I’m getting more scared by the day that it won’t happen. That I’ll either have to pretend to feel something I don’t so that it looks that way on the surface or be alone. I really don’t want either of those things. Sorry I have no advice but I can relate. When people comment on my single status I feel like I’m being stabbed, hurts sooo much!

I feel for you OP, and I share those fears too. But, for better or worse, you can’t control whether you meet someone. You can’t control what other people think about your new relationship, if it happens. You can’t control what the people you date will think of the fact you tried to have a family with another man. All you can control is your response to other people, and to the fear you’re feeling. You can’t let it control you, or it will consume you.

It’s interesting that You’ve given yourself no way out here — if you don’t meet someone you’ll be miserable, if you do meet someone it will never be serious, if you have a family it’ll be tarnished by the fact that you wanted one with someone else... there’s no route to happiness here.

Take a deep breath. Get some counselling. Grieve the future you thought you would have, and then start imagining a new one. Think really hard about how you can be happy with the things that are within your control. Take the actions that are within your power to take, to get you where you want to be.

That’s all you can do. I know it’s hard, but the rest you can only let go, or it will destroy you.

Best of luck OP, I think you’ll find that things shake out okay.

Hi there. Sorry to hear this.
You are dwelling on a lot if the negative aspects of your situation which is completely understandable.
You rock! You have coped with a pregnancy loss, the end of a relationship. Dealt with that and got yourself back on your feet.
Your are still VERY YOUNG. Maybe ease off worrying about time timeline and just try meeting people? Promise to review your own situation in 5 years??
There are lots of reasons why everything will be FINE, eg perhaps your relationship was not meant to be, you might meet someone who was slow to get ready to settle down, or a divorcee who would love more kids etc etc
💐

Excuse typos

Thanks. It is comforting to read these messages.

I’m just sat on the sofa as the fear creeps in as it does every night. Silence after work stops. I feel almost sick that I have built absolutely nothing with anyone. It makes me so sad. I’m not someone who desperately needs another person, I just really desperately want another person. I’ve pretty much lived my whole life alone and can’t bear to think of doing that all over again until I’m no longer here. I think I would prefer to just end it before then. I’m so lonely.

Please don't do what I did when I was 35. I thought Id been left on the shelf. Married the first man who came along and then got divorced 12 years later. No matter how difficult life feels, never settle. Divorce is hard work especially when children are involved.

Also, it doesn't necessarily take 7 years to get to the stage of having babies. It can be an awful lot quicker with the right person.

Be kind to yourself

if you are online dating be honest. Say you are only looking for marriage and children. That cuts out the time wasters right away. Dont waste anymore time dating men who don't really want to settle down.

Hi OP.
I'm sorry you are going through this and feeling down at the moment. I have been through something similar and I promise you that you will feel better about life in time. It does get better. I think Covid has brought everyone down and is making it harder to look at the brighter, more positive aspects of life.

I was in a 9 year relationship with me ex. Had discussed children several times over the years but we never found "the right time". The relationship ended when I discovered he was cheating on me with someone at work.

I was devastated. Fell into depression. My life as I knew it was snatched away from me. I thought I'd never have children, thought I'd never find anyone. Thought I'd grow old and lonely. It was a horrible time.. but, day by day, with love and support from family and friends, it got easier.

I accepted that the relationship was over. The most important thing for me was severing all ties with my ex. I found that very important in being able to move forward.

I embraced single life for a while. Again, this was really important. You need to be happy in yourself before you're ready to get into a new relationship.

I was in my mid-thirties when I met DP. I didn't go looking for him. A mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off. I never thought I'd meet anyone, but because I had allowed myself to positively grow during my time as a single woman, it made me more confident getting into a new relationship.

DP had been single for a while after separating from his ex under similar circumstances to yours. His ex miscarried and it led to the breakdown of their relationship. He was always very open with me from the start about wanting children and so was I. It didn't bother me that he had wanted a child with his ex.. those were different times, before our relationship. It's his past and has nothing to do with me or our relationship. There are things from my past that he knows about and he takes the same view as me "The past is the past".

You will meet someone, but please make sure you are happy in yourself first. That's the most important thing. Don't contact your ex, be kind to yourself to ensure your own happiness as a single woman and then you will be in a must better headspace when it comes to meeting someone

I was in a similar situation if a couple of years younger. It was frightening, theres a stage where it seems like everyone in your age group is already taken. And there you are. I felt out of step with everyone and my own expectations.
I put it out of my mind quite deliberately. When I couldn't I broke my needs down into smaller chunks: I needed someone to spend sunday morning with. I needed someone to go to movies together etc.
Then I met DH and it was really very quick.
I learned a few things forming stable relationships when your older is quicker cos you understand better what you are looking for. Its not the magical fairyland of the first big relationship buts its wiser and kinder for that imo. I looked for qualities in a man my ex didn't have emotional honesty, maintaining friendships etc
We now have a very disabled child. The thought of foing this with my ex is awful. We would have fought and blamed and pulled back from each other. This more mature relationship just has more flex more respect. Partly because that awful time of singlenesd taught me a lot about maintaining friendships, not putting everything into 1 partner etc.
Now I'm a bit older I watch the couples who married after a long relationship formed in their 20s split up. They've been together 20+ years and run out of rope. Not everyone obviously but the current divorces among my friends all have that in common. We arent that far in yet. Maybe it will happen to us too. Maybe watching some of that play out makes us invest more in each other because we witness the difficulties of divorce first hand and feel more determined to avoid them at a stage when we are still very happy together. So that 'ideal' pattern has its weaknesses , like everything does.
You'll get through it you've already weathered so much and during a pandemic and everything.

No advice I’m afraid OP but I’m in a similar situation, albeit a bit younger than you