No idea what's going on with my ex.....

[2old4thiscrap]

I've been umming and ah'ing about posting this. I'm aware I may come across like some delusional loon who is clinging on to false hope, but it's on my mind and I'm seeking advice.

Firstly I'm in Oz, not UK, so lockdown not relevant here.

I split up with an ex after 15 months back in June. The relationship started with him super keen and me not. When I got more interested, he got spooked and backed off. We stuck it out but it was miserable and eventually I ended it when he'd become so distant it was just impossible to bear.

After the break-up we became friends.

In those early weeks, I asked him several times if he'd like to try again and he always said no. The final time I asked, I asked very definitively if he ever saw a chance, and he gave me a huge hug and said no, but he loved being friends. I was at peace with that. We do get on brilliantly as friends and our relationship wasn't the best. I'm back out there dating others. He is not.

In the last couple of months or so, our friendship is deepening. Just little things that I'm noticing. We stand closer together when we're chatting (as you might with a partner), we catch up more often, there's a lot of affectionate touching (arm rubbing, moving my hair out of my face, touching the small of my back), longer hugs goodbye, thoughtful gestures, compliments exchanged.

None of this would be great surprise if they were coming from me as I'm a naturally affectionate person, but he's the polar opposite (I think there may even be an element of Asperger's involved as he can really struggle to express his feelings). Yet they are coming predominantly from him.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious about what's happening here. There has never been a line crossed into anything 'sexual' since our relationship ended, just these very intimate but 'innocent' (???) moments. There's no doubt I still have feelings for this man but after his very definitive stance that we'd never get back together, I've tried not to entertain the thought.

What do I do here? Do I wait and see what happens? Do I say something? Could I be completely missing the mark and these are just normal things that happen between friends?

Of course no one here (myself included) could possibly know what's happening, but it's cathartic to write it down, at least!

You said yourself that the relationship wasn’t great. If I were you I’d be stepping away and putting up boundaries. It sounds like he wants to keep you close enough but doesn’t want to commit to a relationship with you. He’s made that clear!
Focus on dating other men and try to keep your friendship low key. You need to move on. Don’t hang on for a maybe.

Well, he could....

1. Be lonely and reaching out
2. Be trying to be what you need in a friend.
3. Be messing with your head and giving mixed signals

4 Be having second thoughts about your relationship status

I don't know, u think three and four are unlikely though given what else you have said. But they are certainly possible. I think boundaries should be looked at if this isn't the type of behaviour you think is

Sent too soon... I think some of the things you have said are appropriate for friends, I have had non romantic partners touch my lower back and I think it's an inappropriate thing to do as a friend as its quite intimate.

He could simply be confused due to these things being appropriate at one time and hasn't realised that they are no longer things friends do?

He's said no... I would believe what he says.

Go and do your own thing and don't wait around for him to suddenly want a relationship with you.

I think you are hoping he will change his mind. He has said he doesn’t want to rekindle so move on !,

I think you need to back away from the friendship. You seem to be holding out for rekindling a romantic relationship and this doesn’t sound healthy.

It sounds like you are hoping he is changing his mind about trying again. I don't think he is. He's been very honest about only wanting to be friends (you've asked several times) and you are reading into the smallest things in the hope he might feel differently.

You need to focus your energy on your new single life and dating.

I think maybe you are clinging to hope. You have asked him several times and he has said NO. Believe him. I actually think you should back away from the friendship for a while. Don't make a big song and dance about it but just be unavailable for a while; for your own sanity x

You say this guy is maybe Asperger's. I am Aspie too and have been accused of being too intimate with casual friends etc. I think I do it less now but just put it down to struggling with social cues and norms. Is it possible it is more to do with this sort of thing?

Thanks all for the responses. I am very much focussed on dating and single life. While I do admittedly still have feelings for him, it doesn't hold me back from dating others or moving on at all.

I shall plough on with enjoying the search for a new man.

Otter - I had wondered if it was to do with that. He's never been diagnosed with anything (to my knowledge....) it's just a suspicion I have.

This may not apply to your ex but some men like to control the narrative. He's super keen at the beginning but you weren't. And once you become interested, he backs off. You end it because he is distant and now he is trying to win you back and so on. I'd be cautious; even if this behaviour is sub-conscious on his behalf, it's not very kind.

It sounds like you're spending too much time with him.

Go no contact with him for a few months and spend time with other friends.