Can it ever work out because at the moment it doesn't feel like it!

[Twinkie01]

DH had an emotional affair, I found out and after trying to wriggle out of it and saying they were just friends, just really got on and there was nothing in it admitted that it was an emotional affair. It's been a shit period, he has now admitted he fancied her which he has denied all along, that was his reason apparently that there wouldn't be any future for them romantically and it was just a friendship.

I've just decided to post this after reading about another husband who went blank and said he was unhappy when it was the start of an affair.

He is repentant, will sign the house over to me, is willing to do whatever I want when I want it and to give me what I want as long as we keep trying at least until one of our children is through their A levels, this is 2.5 years away.

He did the usual thing saying he was depressed, wanted to go out more with his friends, I had never stopped him, she was the one he wanted to go out with and was just getting his excuses lined up. I was actually depressed, suicidal in fact, I had pleaded with him, begged him to tell me who she was, what was going on and he denied it, reassured me, stoked my tears away and organised time to see her away from work, away from anyone who knew them, FFS of course they were going to get up to something (but oh no they weren't as it was just a friendship and he didn't fancy her 🙄).

He has always been maudlin. I've been the one to jolly everything along, keep the peace in our marriage, not so much as to stop everything going to shit but so that he is happy or at least as happy as he could be. He just didn't show it apparently, was laughing on the inside.

Now he is Mr Happy. He's said he's sorry it took him to break my heart to realise his failings and be a better person. I'd rather the miserable person he was rather than who he is now if it just hadn't have happened. I was happy, or was I? I was a fuck load happier than I am now.

I want it to work, I want to be ok but I'm like a shell of myself, I cry most days, I don't want him to touch me, his jolliness annoys the fuck out of me. I want to punch him repeatedly in the face for not caring about my feelings or those of our children (I won't) for being able to be so callous and lie to my face whilst I was at my lowest. He spends time everyday begging, tell ing me he was stupid, that he had his head turned and had started taking me for granted and it felt like fun, he enjoyed the attention and the fun of it.

He hasn't seen her since I found out, told her it was over and it was wrong, he is WFH and so I know he hasn't physically been in the same space as her.

I just don't know what to do. I always thought I'd be the one of those women who said right that's it, you've crossed the line but it's not that simple, I feel as though I'm having to ditch some of my self respect if I do keep going, I don't even know if it will work and I'm no spring chicken to waste more years of my life in this relationship.

My friends all think he's amazing, were shocked when they found out and all say I should give him another chance, he spoke to one of my friends about it and she said she had never seen someone so broken and repentant about what he has done but I just can't seem to get over what he did to me and look to the future.

If I read this I'd say LTB but it's hard, I do love him, I just don't respect him. Will that come back, do you ever trust them again, do they always do it again?

Would he do couples counseling with you? There's no guarantee but it might help you find a way forward.

He'd do anything if it helped, which I suppose is a good thing.

Can he move out for a few weeks so that you can get some space? It will be very difficult to think clearly with him around. I'm sorry that he has done this to you and your family - it's despicable behaviour, so utterly selfish. You sound amazingly strong

Thank you. I've said he should stay somewhere else but he is very averse to this and he really doesn't want his parents to know which I suppose is where he would go. He needs lots of techy stuff for work too which is all set up here.

I don't feel strong I feel half enraged and half distraught. I want to batter him whilst sobbing, but I won't.

Relationships can be so hard. Feelings can change. People make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I don't agree with cheating. It is really wrong. Lying too. I had a boyfriend in my early twenties who was always contacting women behind my back, I used to blame them. I used to think he will stop and love me. They won't win. But he didn't stop and I ended it.

Sometimes when we have children and are fully committed life can sometimes feel abit dull? Boring? Because it is isn't it. Even if you are the happiest couple. It's still mundane. It's hard work raising kids. Cleaning and keeping a home. Doing chores and bagging each other. It can be so easy to notice another human being that you haven't shared the slog with and think ahhh they are a breath of fresh air (I hope this makes sense) and you can fool yourself into thinking I could be happier with them. They are fun. They are carefree etc. But that's the problem. It's not real. If you actually left your wife/husband and started a new life you would eventually see the flaws and realise they are also dull sometimes, or boring on Sundays etc. Because it's an attraction and not a life.

I'm probably waffling here. But I went through a stage when our sex life was suffering and I was bored. A chap started flirting with me abit and made me feel good. Nothing happened. No numbers or anything. It lasted a couple of months. Just chatting when we saw eachother. I know he liked me too as it was so obvious. But he knew I had kids and a partner so he never crossed the line and neither did I. But for a few weeks I was considering the possibility of an affair. I realised quite quickly I was being a silly cow and my family and home life was so precious and I was disgusted at myself. For even considering it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we as humans have flaws. Hopefully he's been a big fat idiot and has realised that you and your children are so above her and all that nonsense. What you both have is long-term, it's a family, you had children and you know eachother inside out. There is a possibility he's come crashing down hard and feels ashamed.

So moving forward you need to do whatever you feel is right. If the love and trust is gone and you can't forgive, then you can and should leave. You don't have to force anything. Ultimately he has caused this damage himself.

If you think you want it to work then try counseling. Or try a weekend away to repair things. Or give it a few months and I'm that time focus on the future. Don't dwell. Don't fixate on the other women.

He needs to seriously be honest from now on and if that means showing you his phone etc then he should be prepared for that.

These things can't always be forgiven. But it honestly isn't you. You are not the issue. It sounds like he was stupid and tried to relive his single days because he misses the buzz. But you can't have a long term family set up and an exciting fling. All flings get boring.

I hope you are ok. Humans can really hurt eachother but often the issue lies within the person doing it rather than their innocent partner.

You've made me cry now. What you've written makes such sense. I have to go to work for an hour now teaching but I'll reread and post again when I'm through.

I just expected a lot fo LTB.

I was in a very similar situation. You probably don’t want to hear this but I tried giving it a go. I really did. H said all the same things as yours, remorse, NC, grovelling.

One month later he got back in touch with her and that was it for me. He refused counselling, refused to read the books. Kept making me feel shit for not moving past it.

It’s been 18 months now and I don’t want to punch him in the face all the time. The rage has subsided and now I’m just sad at having to deal with DD constantly upset about having two families.

Give yourself a bit of time to process what you’re going through. You don’t have to decide right now. My friend took me to a rage room to smash shit; that was the best therapy.

Well the offer to sign over the house sounds impressive. Except it's bollocks and a worthless gesture, as you're married so it would remain a marital asset if it came to divorce.

Of course he's adverse to having to leave. that would be meaningful, to give you time and space to come to terms with what's happened without him constantly pressuring you.

I get that it was exciting, something different to break the monotony of everyday life but at no time did he consider me or the children. The upheaval to them and their lives, we'd have to take them out of their schools.

It was 6 months ago I found out. We've been away alone but been cooped up together otherwise which is so different for us.

He wants to renew our vows but it'll just for me reinforce that he has broken the ones he originally made to me.

lemony7 a rage room sounds good. I'm going to look into that. I'm sorry that your husband contacted her again. Did you feel like it was a relief at any time? That it was finally over, that you weren't the one having to make the decision.

He hasn't got back in touch with her (as far as I know), he's v open with his phone and I'm less obsessed with checking it. He said he hates himself and her. She knew he was married and had kids. I hate her but I said he was the married one although I've checked her FB and driven past her house. Makes me feel like a lunatic.

He's not the vacant arsehole he was whilst it was happening but he's not the man who I married who had values and morals. He says he does, it was like drug and he couldn't pull away from it, it was exciting 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I thought we were in a better place in our marriage than ever.

If he could do it when everything was fine what about now when it truly shitty?

I didn't realise that about the house. We've ok financially and have been together a long time so I think I'd be ok, I only work part time but I think I'd earn enough and he wouldn't see the kids on the street but we couldn't pay school fees and for 2 houses.

Our eldest DD knows and she's almost acting as I should just get over it. I'm the one in the wrong. He's a good dad and has apologised and I'm making life shitty for everyone. Our youngest DS just keeps asking why I'm sad and coming for cuddles. He's young and I can't burst his little bubble.

It's so hard. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear. It wouldn't be me making the decision to end it and to cause the hurt then.

He's the one who has caused this, not you.

It's always so rubbish when the injured party ends up feeling like they're the one to blame for not being able to "get over" something so crushing. But he's the one who shat over everything.

Of course your dd wants things to go back to normal. She's afraid and easier to expect you to suck it up than to face change. Teens can be short of empathy.

It sounds like you have a lot of people around you who are invested in the status quo.

I’m currently going through very similar situation. It’s shit, I don’t want to exit the marriage yet, DS is taking GCSEs and then will go on to A levels so not a good time.
I hate the fact I no longer trust him. I hate the fact the OW has persistently tried to get his attention via social media. She went out with him in her late teens so they have history but she is not local. We’ve been together for more than 25 yrs and are now in our late 50s. Her posts are cryptic but I spot all the references because I know so much about him. We met in our late twenties and he had had a six year relationship between the end of their relationship and when ours started. But he has always been very open about his life. I totally blame him for reconnecting and reverting to teenage male brain which he admits to, but I don’t understand her reluctance to give up when he has gone NC.
More worryingly she has been visiting the area and effectively ‘stalking’ him.
It’s all a bit of a mess and I really don’t know what I will ultimately do. I am in the fortunate position of not needing him financially and could walk out tomorrow. But prior to lockdown and his fall from grace we had been planning our retirement years. He has already retired and I cut down my hours so work very part time, this year was meant to the start of our retirement and it started so well. We got on so well during early lockdown and then half way through the ex entered the equation. I was very quick to spot the change in behaviour and basically walked out only returning the same day because it was still lockdown ( bloody Covid again) I made his life hell for a couple of weeks. Maybe my reaction was the wobble his head needed but he can’t turn back time.
The irony is that he hates lies and deceit and trust is important to him. But he has recognised that I need to have meltdowns and we have talked at length. He has encouraged me to talk when he sees me struggling. He accepts that he has lost my trust and is working had to regain it. I don’t want insincere grovelling because that is just not our normal.
I think that you have to do what is right for you. No one else knows what is going on in your head. If the relationship is worth it both of you will work towards rebuilding it in the same way you did before the EA.

Category12 yes everyone seems to want us to get through this.

It's affecting DD at school and she's plunged into despair about exams and with COVID it's hard to have anytime when the kids aren't around to desires, especially with him being here all the time.

I do love him but yes he has caused this, shat on us all not just me. I look at him and wonder who he really was all those years? We're his morals so questionable for all that time? He says not. It was like being addicted he says. I just feel so sad that we were disguarded so easily and quickly and don't have much faith in it not happening again, he says otherwise. Begs, pleads for me to try 🤷🏻‍♀️

Angrymum22 thank you fit your reply. It sounds like you're very level headed and know what you want.

Have you contacted her? Have you seen the texts/heard the calls where he is telling her it's over?

Was it more than an EA? I think because there was no physical contact involved then some of my friends think I'm overreacting, especially my closest friend.

Do you still look ahead with hope?

It's stupid isn't it how grown, sensible, grounded men can do quickly turn into vacant love struck teens in the blink of an eye when shown some attention.

I did text the OW, I asked her what had gone on. She said they just had a connection, he was one of the only people she really clicked with!! Nothing that they talked about was anything that he'd usually find interesting, he was like a completely different person to the real him who we see.

She's moved on. Moved house got on with her life and o hope no longer thinks of him and their connection. But who knows.

It was all through social media and had not got to phone calls and texts but was under the normal radar. What hurt most was the reconnection with someone he had loved in the past. They had broken up because she wanted to settle down, marry and have children, he wasn’t ready. She was married with children within 3 yrs of them splitting up. Different life plans and I suspect they would not have lasted long if he had settled down. As I’ve said I’ve had nearly 30yrs to get to know him and this wasn’t on his immediate to do list when we met. FB really does bring out curiosity. She came up on his list of people you may know so had obviously been looking for him, they have no contacts in common. The rest is history.
He regrets it because she is ‘stalking’ him now. But that’s his problem not mine.
I did text her so that she was aware he was married because he only had very basic details on his profile, he never used it so didn’t bother with filling in status. But when she started with the cryptic posts I sent her a rather more aggressive text. Her reply was quite unbelievable in that it blamed me. I have seen the whole conversation so I know he didn’t run me down. It was all a big ego boost for him and a little out of character, but she did hurt him and he does harbour grudges.
I have given him the choice but he hasn’t packed his bags. We are getting on well although I think it will be a while before I can trust him again.

The problem with "giving him the choice" is that he's got nowhere to go really, has he? I think we tend to buy into the notion that the guy must be unhappy and there's something wrong with the marriage and the home - and yeah sometimes there's complacency or other problems - but some guys just go over the side because there's opportunity or the validation or they just fancy a bit of strange and they never intended to get caught or to leave. My ex never intended to leave the marriage and he loved me, as much as he was capable of - he still wants me back now . But he wanted to shag around as well. The choice to stay, is not necessarily the choice to be faithful. I thought it meant something it didn't.

Hi OP, lots of people will say that if he's done it once he'll do it again, but that hasn't been my experience.

My DH had a female colleague who was very slim and attractive. I thought they were becoming too close and told him so, he insisted they were just friends etc. Then they shared a taxi to the station after a work night out and she tried to kiss him, which is when he realised things had gone too far.

I'm 99% sure that nothing ever happened between them (except the failed kiss), of course I can't be 100% certain, but I chose to forgive him.

That was over 12 years ago. We're still together and very happy and nothing like that has ever happened again. He was flattered by the attention, but at the end of the day his family was more important to him and he didn't embark upon a physical affair.

You sound as though you've lost touch a bit with who you are, and that makes it really difficult to feel happy in a relationship.

Is there a way you can reclaim a bit of time and space for yourself? Power balance isn't quite the phrase Im looking for, but it sounds as though you need to feel on a more equal footing for him to woo you back, and for you to feel able to trust him again.

You won't be able to go how back to how it was, but you can move forward. Ultimately up to you whether you want to do it with him or not.

Good luck

The thing is in my situation I could walk out and start again. I’m financially secure and could live independently of DH. I have options. However he has always known that I’m with him because I want to be rather than need to be. At the moment I am willing to give him another chance.
I agree that often it is a case of opportunity rather than a failing relationship. Wouldn’t we all like a change of scenery after 30+ years. Stand alone sex outside the marriage, if you never find out is not as damaging as your partner forming an emotional attachment outside of your marriage, it causes a very obvious shift in behaviour as many posts on MN demonstrate.
I don’t have the answer to OPs problem but I don’t think immediately ending a relationship is necessarily the first option. If my DH has fallen out of love with me there is nothing I can do about it, shouting and screaming may just alienate him further.
DH did not back off when I found out and became crazy woman, he didn’t see it as a reason to end our relationship. It actually brought him back from his fantasy, happy ever after world and made him think about the reality of what he’d done. He really didn’t understand why I thought it was cheating because it was all in his head at the time. I suppose our generation have never had the ability to play out our fantasy world via social media or texting. It’s a very different world to when you had to talk face to face in order to have a relationship. I find it incredible that people meet and conduct ‘full blown’ relationships over the internet without ever meeting each other. It’s actually quite disturbing.

Just got in from sitting n the garden of our lovely local restaurant so not functioning properly but this ....

DH did not back off when I found out and became crazy woman, he didn’t see it as a reason to end our relationship. It actually brought him back from his fantasy, happy ever after world and made him think about the reality of what he’d done. He really didn’t understand why I thought it was cheating because it was all in his head at the time.

Is pretty mush I think how DH has reacted. It took a long time for him to realise what a shorty thing he had done but to me it was a shitty thing and to watch me falling apart whilst he was enjoying the flirting and fun is what hurts.

She text when he was at home after their first lunch and I'm pretty sure she did it to be obvious, maybe he had promised her a future? Maybe she just wanted to put the cat amongst the lodge is who knows.

Palava that's it, I don't know who I am. I was happy, settled, secure, a wife and mother first now I feel like I'm not sure who TF I am. If he didn't value that is there a point??

I'm going out more, doing less for them and it feels weird but a bit liberating.

2 of my best friends have recently split from their husbands, in the last year and started OLD but I know that's not what I want.

He's contacted counsellors today and we're going to go together so fingers crossed 🤞 they'll have some magic way through all this.

Thank you fur replying. It feels nice that you've taken the time, everyone if you to sit and care and reply.