How do I go about getting out of this relationship?

[confuddled5968]

Little backstory - We first met on a site at 15/16, we had a brief thing and stopped talking then met again 2/3 years later. That's when it became serious. We met up, I was "in love" and things moved fast. Now we have a house together and 3 kids. I beat myself up and wish I had left him the first time he showed his nasty side and broke my property because of his issues and now I'm even more tied down because of the kids. Just now we had a disagreement and I got told specifically if I don't have another child, I won't be allowed to work which I think is vile. Right now I'm in my last year of uni because I fell pregnant when I was in my 2nd year. I'd say since last year my feelings towards him have changed dramatically, I no longer want anything sexual from him, I couldn't care less if he one day up and left me because I think I just have no feelings anymore and it's purely platonic. His behavior has massively contributed to how I have been feeling. He spends most of his time gas lighting me and when it came to the conversation about why I didn't want anymore kids, he couldn't give a flying fuck about how I felt and kept saying I was trying to make him feel guilty. He has serious anger issues and never thinks before he does anything. Two nights ago he threw all of my stuff off a chest of draws including glass that shattered everywhere. The baby was crying in her cot and I couldn't do anything but clean up because my kids walk on the floor and there was glass everywhere! He's hit me before, and I notice my anger levels have just spiked up since meeting him. I must admit I did hit him once, it shouldn't have happened but it was in defense to him striking me. I just got so worked up, angry and hurt I lashed out. I've called the police on him twice and quite frankly I'm fed up. Whenever we have an argument he always takes the keys from me so I can never cool off, I'm lumped with all 3 kids at the same time and it stresses me out a lot more. I'm kind of done with this relationship. I don't know what to do. I could leave and go to my dads house but I wouldn't have the kids with me. I would go through custody but I would want them to be with me more than him. Can anyone give me some advice? I'm so fed up that I started to cut myself and have suicidal thoughts :(

Hi OP, I did not want to read & run and people much more knowledgeable than me will be able to advise you soon. You can get away but why should you. You’ve called the police on him twice already so I think you should speak to them to get him removed from the family home. It’s toxic and dangerous for you and the children. Can you have someone to come and stay with you? What are the chances of him getting violent if the police tell him to leave? If you don’t want that they will give you and the kids protection to leave. Then it’s a case of telling social services and getting a solicitor.

Thank you for replying. A friend has offered to come and stay with me but the way he is he wouldn't let me answer the door. I hate involving the police unless I really have to. He will probably get violent if he got told to leave, I know how he is. I want to leave in the least traumatic way possible for my mental health and the kids sake. I'm trying to research into getting some work and setting myself up in my own flat. It's just getting out of the door that's the hardest part.

Is the house owned or rented?

You really need a way out of this. Contact women's aid.

If you are in need of information and support, please email us at [email protected] or contact a local domestic abuse service by using our Domestic Abuse Directory
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory

You are not allowed to physically open the door to your friend? I'd say you really need the police. Also, get yourself a set of spare keys cut the next time you're out. Don't let him know you have them, you may need to get out in a hurry one day

The house is rented. I have thought about getting the keys cut but money goes into his account. I get an allowance each month for studying, I could use money out of that but he will obviously ask what I took the money for. Basically anything that gets spent, he will know about and if I ask him to send me money in my bank I'll have to BS and I expect he'll want to see what I bought with it. In other words nothing is private. In his own words "anything that happens under this roof I'm going to know about".

Honestly, you need professional advice and support to get this done safely. Please take care, OP.

You're making the right decision, it takes a lot of strength but you have already taken the first step which is reaching out for support.

All the best to you

Oh my love, everything you say makes this worse and worse. Whose name is the rental in? You must get help to get away from him. You are going to have to be very sneaky. You absolutely must not get pregnant again. I suspect he wants you pregnant precisely because you are getting close to finishing your degree and able to get work and independence. He wants to keep you dependent on him.

This is so sad and traumatic. I agree you need professional help plus police to get away from him. Can your dad have you and the 3 kids? Threats to keep the kids are used to keep women scared of leaving. So sorry this is happening to you.

Do not tell him you are planning on leaving btw.

I would never tell him my plans. I didn't want to inform my parents because I was worried he'd spin lies like he did before to them. I'm scared they'll just think I'm overreacting. I'm looking into professional help I'm just so afraid of being on my own, trying to be financially stable and being able to provide the kids with everything they need.

The tenancy is in both our names.

You need to involve the police because you and your children are in danger of being murdered if this continues or if you leave without proper support.

He doesn't have anger issues, he uses manufactured rage to control you. He doesn't break his own stuff, does he?

You seem to be dismissing an awful lot of very extreme abuse as normal. It's not.

Women's Aid

Freedom Programme

Police

Citizens Advice

Your kids need safety. They don't have that right now.

Go to student services and tell them what's going on. They might be able to help.

He's been in total control of you for a long time, it's good you are seeing it now. I hope you can access all the help you need to get him out of your life. The first step is seeing the high level of abuse for what it is and realising how wrong it is.I wish you well.

Would you consider a refuge OP? You would be supported to sort out all the stuff you're worried about there, and you would be safe.

Would this behavior warrant a non molestation order?

@confuddled5968

Would this behavior warrant a non molestation order?

Absolutely, 100%

Please contact the police.

Someone who won’t let you out if the house and who has anger issues is really dangerous. And even worse, if you killed yourself or he murdered you and made it look like an accident, he’d get full custody of the kids because nobody would know he’s a bastard.

You owe it to your kids future to call the police next time it’s safe to do so., hopefully tonight. Or he could end up hurting them and you won’t be there to protect them.

Honestly do a flit to a refuge if you need to.

Speak to Woman's Aid

I agree with everyone 100%. You need to be very careful and plan your exit immediately. Is your dad supportive? Could he help? I don't have any experience on matters like these, but if you can, leave immediately with the kids. He sounds dangerous and extremely controlling. You are practically being kept a prisoner in your own home right now. You can do this. It will be better once you're out and have control of your own life again ❤️❤️

Hi OP

As PP have said, what you are describing is very severe abuse. Violence can take many forms and they are all extremely damaging. He is inflicting emotional and psychological violence on you, as well as physical violence when he smashes your things and hits you. It doesn't matter that you have occasionally hit back. You are entitled to defend yourself.

You would most definitely get a non-molestation order based on what you have described. However, since you share a home, you would also need an occupation order to get him removed and the courts will generally not grant those on a without notice basis. That means you would need to let him know that you were applying to have him removed.

You could ask the police to come and remove him but that is likely to be a very temporary solution unless the police decide to press charges in which case he may be made subject to bail conditions which would require him to stay away for 28 days.

What is obvious is you need support to escape with your children now. Set out below are some suggested steps:

1. Act as normal as possible while you are planning your escape. He will become more dangerous if he thinks he is losing control of you.

1. Tell your parents ASAP. He probably will lie to them about what has been going on. But they're your parents and they should believe and support you. Could your father come round now to help you leave safely with your children?

1. At the first opportunity, speak to the police about what is happening. Tell them that you are seeking help to get yourself and your children out of this situation. I'm guessing he doesn't leave the house much but perhaps you can make a phone call when he is asleep and/or in the shower. It is probably safest of all if you can get yourself and your children out of the house to make your phone call. Remember that Boots, Superdrug and other shops are offering a service whereby victims of domestic abuse can use their consultation rooms to make phone calls to e.g. the police, Women's Aid and so forth. If nothing else is available, just go to a local supermarket and talk to security there and say you need protection to make a phone call. If you are able to get yourself and your children out of the house, it is perfectly acceptable for you to decide you won't go back. He is very dangerous to you and the children. The police can help you get to safety if you just turn up having escaped with your children.

1. The most important thing is to get yourself and your children away. Everything else can be replaced. But if you are able to: try to ensure that you have in one bag your phone, money, bank card, children's medical books and a few clothes, toys, nappies etc for the children so that you are able to grab that bag and leave in a hurry if necessary.

1. Do NOT get pregnant by him if you can possibly avoid it.

You should find some helpful information at this link:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/