Do not know what to do for my mother

[Namechangedforconfidentiality]

I've name-changed for this one, as it's outing. I am not close to either of my (divorced) parents for a number of reasons, and live at the other end of the country to both of them. I'm slightly closer to my mother (speak by phone every month or so; visit less than once a year - not for the last 2 years). I've been 100% NC with my father since my 20s. (I'm mid-40s.) I'm not leaving my house at the moment as I'm extremely clinically vulnerable to COVID-19. Haven't really been out since March.

I got a phone call today from a woman my mother volunteers with to say that she is worried about her. My mother is hallucinating animals in her house, has a tooth missing/ mouth injury and doesn't know how she has got it, and is generally very confused. She's only 66. This is not a total shock to me. My grandmother had very early onset dementia and I have noticed changes in my mother's ability to hold a coherent conversation on the occasions we do speak by phone that remind me of my grandmother. I called my mother's doctor's surgery and let them know what her friend had told me. The receptionist said they would call her or send someone round to see her. I told them she hardly ever answers her phone.

I am her next of kin as an only child. I want to ensure that she has all the mental health/ social work/ other kinds of support that she might need. But I am 100% unwilling (as well as incapable at the moment, owing to COVID), to involve myself personally in her care. I realised a long time ago that my own mental wellbeing is dependent on having as little to do with my parents as possible. Wise Mumsnetters, what can you advise? What services are possibly available to her? How do I access them on her behalf?

Bumping as I really need help/ advice/ expertise. Anyone?

Adult social services for her area?

MollysMummy2010 - I will search for that online. Thanks.

Have a look at Alzheimer’s Society and AgeUK online. Make sure that you pass her over to adult social care and don’t feel guilty about it. You need to look after yourself. Is there family or friends locally that can keep an eye. You might also need to look at power of attorney and practical stuff like bill paying etc (mostly done online).

It’s a long slow journey - so pace yourself and protect yourself. Delegate what you can. See it as a project if you have the time and try to take the emotion out of it.

Sssloou - thank you! Yes, I do need to take the emotion out of it. The phone call has made me feel horribly anxious and burdened. She has friends but no other family (I'm an only child in a very long line of only children on the maternal side).

Re: the power of attorney stuff: do I have to take this on? (i.e. am I legally obligated as a blood relative?) I really don't want to, if I'm honest. She lives in a council house since her second husband gambled away all their money and then died, so surely the council can be responsible for her once we've got support up and running. I want as little to do with her as possible. I realise to some this will make me sound monstrous, but there is complex history there.

If she has friends, maybe one of them will take the power of attorney on. You can say that you want it to be someone local, not that you don't want to do it. It's best if it is someone she trusts. She might not be well enough to be able to sign it, though.

Thanks, growinggreyer, that's a good idea. I'll talk to her closest friend about it. She is apparently going to her see her GP tomorrow (a friend is taking her). She'll have blood tests, a brain scan, and they will arrange an appointment with the memory clinic. So at least things are starting to kick in.

You do not have to agree to being her POA. That is completely voluntary.

@Aquamarine1029

You do not have to agree to being her POA. That is completely voluntary.

What a relief!

www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

No you don’t have to. If there are not assets to protect that are coming to you then I wouldn’t bother. Agree she might past the point of mental capacity so maybe not relevant.

It’s tough being an only child with a difficult history with your parent. You sound like you have you head screwed on.

I would also be upfront with the healthcare professionals as to how much or little involvement you want - this is not an unusual situation - quite common. Be clear from the start. Look after yourself first. You have zero obligations here.

“Next of kin” is also not a legal definition or responsibility - so you can hand that over to her friend if you wish.

@Sssloou

“Next of kin” is also not a legal definition or responsibility - so you can hand that over to her friend if you wish.

I did not know this!

There are definitely no assets to protect! Husband #2 saw to those!