Dh problem and his mum

[SPumpkin]

Named changed

My dh is late 40's, we have 3 school age kids, two of whom are in SEN schools.

MIL ( to me) has always seemed a bit emotional manipulative when things arent going her way. Normally resorts to crying and being extremely hurt if things dont go her way.

I'm a quite and normally a people pleaser but I fume silently sometimes and then can spectacularly blow my too like a pent up volcanoe.

Anyway MIL moved abroad over a decade ago so is not physically present in our family life. In the past she has come to stay and use the house here as base. She either stays for months and does nothing for her own upkeep or stays for a week but out every day seeing friends that live close etc. She hasn't fr example spent a day with the kids for 6 years. So any attempt to ask her to wash up, take the kids out, prepare a meal resulted in a massive row where she called me a bitch and that she has never liked me etc. I threw her out then. Dh just stood around saying nothing.

He wants a zero stress life so either has no opinion on anything ever, or agrees with me in principle but freezes when I asked her to help look herself during one three months stay.

That's the background.

Dh doesnt call his mum. He is inert and cant do anything with me asking him that is beyound basic every day life. So his mum keeps talking to him via me, asking me to get him to call her, why isnt he calling her etc.

I tried to explain I dont want to keep doing this and I'm not his mediator and they should talk directly as this puts all the onus on me, therefore all of MIL blame also, on me.

Mil was as always extremely hurt and said she would never talk to either of us again. So I admit I blew my top, said that I'm always the bitch in any situation and she and son are selfish and manipulative then I blocked her.

Thing is, she upsets me, tramples all over my boundaries, knows I have two SEN kids to deal with but always sees her as a top priority dispite never even being physically present and just barking critasisium from afar.

Dh does nothing ever and i struggle to believe he actually feels anything at all. I haven't asked if he has made up to her and beyound that first day I dont think he has.

The real issue is dh of course but as a dad and dh hes ok. No where as great as he used to be, but not bad enough to leave him over this. After our son was diagnosed with ASD I wonder if DH has some learning difficulties. I cant talk about this with MIL as again she gets aggressive if even mention that my son cant read or write. She told me I'm ridiculous in as many words. When I talk about the kids SEN she blanks it. I haven't talked about that now for three years.

But the relationship with his mum.to me is toxic now. I tell her how I feel and she looses her shit and he shuts down. What are my options rather than NC? The only other option for me is 100% agree 100% of the time until I snap again. That is our relationship and has been for over a decade.

Within the first few lines of your post, I wondered if your DH had ASD as you say two of your kids do. I think if your MIL isn’t aware at this stage of hows she’s impacting her son (and you of course!!) and that she’s basically stomping her foot, getting you to play intermediary and yet doesn’t mind upsetting you, that there’s possibly no getting through to her.
I would constantly refer her back to your DH as she is his problem first and foremost. She also needs to treat you and your kids well enough that you wish to accommodate her but unfortunately op, if she ain’t getting it by now I’d say you’ll just have to distance yourself to cope with her.
Your husband clearly is already doing this.

Why do you need another option other than NC? She is currently out of your lives so it sounds like problem solved?

Block her. She brings nothing positive into your life. Tell her that you are not your husband’s secretary and that she can contact her son directly. Tell your husband that you have no intention of coming between him and his mother and therefor you are staying completely out of the relationship between the two of them. If she ever decides to come for another visit, tell him that she either books a hotel or you will move out for the duration of her visit. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

This is nuts. Where are your boundaries. Your MiL sounds like a deluded, entitled, arrogant arse. You did well to call her out on her behaviour and (I assume) refuse to accommodate her.

However being triangulated between her and her son and taking verbal abuse and negative judgement - WHY are YOU doing this?

It seems that your DH was relieved that she doesn’t come to your house and has taken the opportunity to cut this toxic person from
his life - so why are you involved?

I do wonder if dh just finds her too much hard so shuts her out. He has never admitted that to me when I ask him. In this last incident she was only talking via me, didnt contact him at all and wanted a reply in under 24 hours. I kept asking him to reply, he didnt, I tried to remove myself and as I expected the blame is all over me. It blew up in my face and I conviently got the blame.

Dh has no qualifications I have a degree and had a corporate job so it's easier to blame me than work out why he doesnt get on with her.

I wonder if she us a narcissist but I guess not. She certainly upsets people who tend to roll over for more.

Mil has told me in the past not to go to her with my problems, go to fil ( divorced) but she can not accept that I have had enough of her demanding me fix this. She demands things and gives me nothing. She reacts incredibly badly to any negative feedback. She cant ever say "I do agree to a point but.."its always BOOM! Roll out the emotional manipulation.

I'm finding really hard to see any positive of her in my life.

It's really sad as she can not self reflect. I can say I'm.a bitch, she can only agree!

@sssloou I blocked her this time.

I said I didnt want to, she insists I do, I cant now as she cant contact me. She is abroad so cant turn up either. Its virtual abuse 😂

But why on earth isn't NC just the best, nicest, and even FAIREST solution?!

You are making something your problem when in reality the two twats at the heart of the problem have had warning after warning.

You just block her, totally. You tell DH you've done so, say 'Just to let you know I've completely blocked your mother on everything. If you want to be in contact with her, you know where to reach her. Run your own relationship. Be sure not to forget that if she comes here to visit, and is rude to me in my own home, I'll kick her out so fast her feet won't touch the floor. Other than that, ball's in your court.'

The end!

I do wonder if dh just finds her too much hard so shuts her out. He has never admitted that to me when I ask him. In this last incident she was only talking via me, didnt contact him at all and wanted a reply in under 24 hours. I kept asking him to reply, he didnt, I tried to remove myself and as I expected the blame is all over me. It blew up in my face and I conviently got the blame.

Well yes it seems obvious that that's what he's doing. Sounds pretty sensible really - she's a nightmare, why should he reply?

YOU are the one who actually kept the above drama going. She texts you telling you to get him to reply... you answer 'No, not my business.'
'Oh you are a bitch, this is all your fault' - you - 'Call me what you like. Don't give a shit. Blocking you now.'

The end!!!

She’s a loon. Your DH has taken this opportunity to escape. Why is your head still in this game? For who? For what?

Accept and adapt.

Accept she is nasty and manipulative and accept that YOU (or no one) can change that. Accept that your DH doesn’t need or want this toxic person in his life and your refusal to read his actions (seems he is unable to articulate this verbally) is causing him enormous stress and will erode your marriage.

Accept and adapt. Adapt by cutting her out of your lives. Turn your back and invest in your little family unit. You are being spun around by this woman and your ability to play her games. Why? What are you trying to achieve?

Drop the rope.

it is probable that dh has been too frightened previously to think for himself and has learned to do what he is told as his mum rules...

asd is also a possibility. maybe for her too. Even so you don't jhave to put up with the behaviour.

This is all true. I have been enabling her and feeding her fire. Feels bad going NC with mil but it's all just toxic and weird now.

It's been going onto long to reintroduce boundaries. Wish I could go back to when we had our first child and seen then I wasnt going to get her support or approval. I think i kept trying for too long to make her like me. That spectacularly didnt work as she never seen me as anything more than just a tool to get to dh.

I have woken up now hopefully.

Going NC is the only reasonable option. She adds nothing of value to your life. If your husband wants to contact her, he can.

Say you won't do the being an intermediary anymore. They can't make you. They can say what they want and have a strop, tough shit for them, that's that. Once they've had their tantrum they'll have to get over it and start chatting to each other.

Has it occurred to you that she may also have SEN? This all sounds maddening and you must be exhausted with it all.

If your DH doesn’t want to keep contact then you are under no obligation to.

The kids had a full.genetic array and have a a micro duplication they inherited from.dh. that's when it dawned on me dh might have SEN himself. At the time of the results we was offered testing to his parents. Mil totally ignored this, bill said we had misunderstood St George's and that it was a deficiency ( it isnt. It's a top UK genetics Dr and i have a biology degree and we didnt pass on the genetics letter, just the info we had too) fil.told dh maybe he had it and passed it on (he is also a graduate) so all three was offered genetics testing but all just poo poo'd it as nonsense.

If you can bury your head in the sand to that degree then they certainly might have ignored red flags in dh development as a child.

Mil thinks ds will grow out of ASd and said he could talk when he was non verbal at 6.

In the meantime I have done six SEN appeals on my own to get the kids what they need. So a lot to deal with as it is without micro managing their feuds on the side.