Can anyone help me deal with my manipulative mother?

[WhoEatsPopTarts]

My childhood wasn’t great, my father left and my mother was neglectful. She’s admitted that she wasn’t a great Mum and we muddled through, when I had my own dc she was keen to be involved and has been a good fun grandparent. My dcs are teens now and they can see for themselves how she is and that she doesn’t have much empathy or ability to put others first, but obviously they love her and I’m happy that they do.

The problem I have is that every so often she’ll say something along the lines of ‘ooh I’ve been feeling so dreadful, I worry I wasn’t a good parent’. It feels like she wants me to say it’s fine, all forgiven, not an issue and at times I have said something along those lines although probably more of a brush off rather than reassurance. I makes me feel so manipulated, like there’s no option to say what I feel, which is yes, it was shit. I actually don’t want to say that because it’s pointless, it won’t change the past or the present. She is who she is and I’ve learnt to live my life without a supportive parent, but I find it hard to know what to say when she comes out with these statements.

Has anyone got a sentence that I can trot out to appease her? She’s been saying stuff to my teens which I really don’t like as she’s always tried to paint me as mean old Mum.I just want to shut down the topic really.

What about " well you probably did the best you could". That's quite vague and non-confrontational?

I think it would be helpful for you to have a good think about what you would like to say with regard to whether you want it to be honest, confrontational, appeasing or forgiving etc.

Would you like to give her maybe a little truth? Like "well you obviously didn't find being a parent easy".

She sounds manipulative yes. How often do you see her? You sound extremely forgiving!

Forgot:

Do you think she sees your parenting and has a huge realisation that she was a really shit mother?

It might be useful to say "why do you say that?" It would be very interesting to hear her response, see if the cogs are going round.

I’d go with a clear ‘I don’t want to talk about that again’

Mines very similar. It’s either her wanting to continue the abuse/control, or wanting you to say it was all fine... which actually is continuing the abuse/control.

Mine also adds “your sister has forgiven me”.

It’s not that I even hold a grudge really, I just don’t agree that it was fine (rage attacks and violence against us for years)

As for your teen dc, I don’t know really but with mine, who are younger, I never leave them alone with her now. Previously I’ve overheard her say weird disturbing stuff to them and I won’t have it. She hasn’t realised luckily, or she’d be angry with me

I think you have written the response that you need. "Well we can't change the past". Its in your post. No criticisnm to upset her now but your bad experience not reduced . You could add "People can only do their best with the situation as it is" You dont need to list her shitty behaviour but for your sake dont brush it away.

Why don't you simply ask her why she's saying what she is when she next brings it up and offer no opinion/reassurance to her? Maybe it's the therapist in me but I'd be curious as to why she suddenly brings it up at that point? That way your not falsely reassuring her and maybe encouraging her to take sone responsibility rather than just wanting you to reassure her everything is ok x

If she’s like my dm I’d advise strongly against asking her, it would be weaponised when you’re feeling vulnerable. You’ll end up having to show her pity and get that (very familiar to me) sick feeling of being the selfish bad one

Or if she’s not then it might work. I guess think back to times you’ve told her she’s upset you, and recall how she responded. Was it used as another chance to kick you when you’re down, or was she kind?

The past is the past, we can not change it albeit we both would like to.

Or

I can only hope you've learned from it. I know I did.

She’s been saying stuff to my teens which I really don’t like as she’s always tried to paint me as mean old Mum.I just want to shut down the topic really.

This is the most important bit. She is highly manipulative, wants your reassurance / forgiveness CONSTANTLY - but that’s not enough for her - she also needs to put you down and belittle your parenting - trying to elevate her RS with your DCs whilst denigrating your mothering and RS with your DCs.

This is really unforgivable. She is still being abusive towards you just in a more subtle way - with the aim of tainting your RS with your DCs.

She is so disordered, deluded, in denial, entrenched and entitled she will never see it.

So don’t engage or explain anything - just cut her right back out of your lives.

Can I put in a vote for “mm” or other noncommittal noise, and just change the subject? I find it amazingly useful when dealing with my (difficult but not abusive) mother.

Alternatively I think comments suggested by others are good - something along the lines of “well I think we’re both a lot happier now”.

I would never reassure her again, it must sicken you to do so, but I agree with others that confronting on this is probably pointless if you want to continue your relationship. Somehow it’ll end up being your fault. Just say enough to keep the conversation at arms length.

You should also be open and upfront with your DCs (if old enough) - give them permission and the words to pull her up politely and assertively each and every time she tries to taint you to them.

“Why would you say that? Our Mum is a wonderful parent - she always treats us with kindness and respect”

“Is that a joke? I am disappointed that you are being mean about our Mum. She is a brilliant parent and we love her to bits”