Should alarm bells be ringing

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I told my husband last night that we are over. To give you some background things have always been rocky and I’ve put up with way more than I ever should have, the name calling, belittling me in front of our daughter, not speaking to me for days on end for making a mistake etc. We had counselling early summer and the counsellor flagged to me that it is called emotional abuse.
So long story short I’ve called time on it. I was so worried he was going to flip out and be a danger to me that I never considered if he reacted calmly and that’s what he’s done. He wants it to be amicable, he doesn’t want to move out, he says he has nowhere to go especially in a pandemic. Should alarm bells be ringing, he’s a very clever man, is he going to be underhand, is him staying in the house detrimental to our 8 year old daughter? I’m freaking out!
Has anyone got any wise or reassuring words for me please?

OP - maybe he realised that there is no future and is accepting it.

As to him staying in the house - this isn’t anything strange. You are still married and everything you own - house included is marital. Lawyers would regularly advise either of the partner not to move out.
Plenty of people love together while going through a divorce - that normally takes 1+ years in the best case.
It’s not always easy, but not impossible to live together while going through it. Main thing is to keep any negativity from your child.

If you definitely decided to proceed - you need to organise and make the next step. File and decide what level of lawyering you will need end can afford. You can do a lot yourself - filing and negotiating, if you two can indeed stay amicable and reach an agreement. Or - you may need to have help if you can’t agree.
Good luck!

08:43MMmomDD - Plenty of people may do that but the OP is saying that her relationship has been emotionally abusive. And that she has been scared he would flip. And that she has been continuously belittled. This isnt the beahvious of someone who will share a house amicably during a divorce. Get real.
OP... loads of advice and knowledgeable women on here .... hope you are feeling ok and strong. It good to decide not to put up with that and if you have kids, to know that they are, through you, learning that you can put boundaries up and not have to put up with aggression. Well done.
This isnt likely to stay "amicable" because it isnt.
Get legal advice, and other people more knowledgeable will likely be able to spare other resources and sources of real support and advice.

Hi OP - having a counsellor flag your realtionship as emotionally abusive is a very good reason to seek spearation and to ensure that it actually happens.

I don't know you or your husband but my gut reaction to an emotional abuser wanting to remain in the family home was "more manipulation". If his thing is belittling you, shouting at you, stonewalling you, gaslighting you and making you feel stupid/unloved/insecure, then he needs to be inside the house to be truly effective.

Please contact Women's Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk/) Someone will be along with the number soon but they have an online chat function and lists of organisations in yoru area. You have every right to call them, they deal with far more than physical violence. Abuse takes many forms.

Contact your local CAB or read up on your rights (UK) at rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/. They will be able to tell you where you stand with residency, finances and custody.

If his name is on the mortgage/deeds/tennacny agreement, I am not sure you can just throw him out and change the locks but there will be advice on Rights Of Women about this.

Please know that you can also call 101 for any non-emergency. If you truly want him out for your health and stability, or if you think his behaviour has a negative impact on your daughter, you will need to establish a record of incidents (shouting, name calling, aggressive behaviour or posturing) before you can apply for things like a non-molestation order.

I know this sounds terribly scary and I am sorry if it is overwhelming. My cynical reaction to him staying in the hourse and "having nowhere to go during a pandemic" was that he is manipulating you and trying to guilt you into letting him stay, where he will continue to trample over your boundaries.

Also, homework reading: Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf
It contains lots of info on abuser profiles and the dynamic of abusive relationships. The more you read about it, the more you might understand his MO and therefore be better prepared to deflect him.

You have made the decision ot leave him, don't let him brow beat you into 10 more years of anxiety & eggshell walking.

We stayed in the same house for 7 months, it allowed us the make decisions that were right for everyone. I'm not suggesting 7 months but taking things step my step amicably will result in a smoother divorce, a lot less expensive for sure (I'm filing online no solicitor saving thousands). It's his house too so to all those suggesting he should move, why? My advice is to keep talking and to make arrangements which both of you are happy with then coparenting will be something much easier

OP I totally know where you are coming from. I came on this site for the first time today to look for some advice for the same problem. I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have slowly come to realise over the past few years that my husbands' treatment of me is not normal behaviour & that he is very emotionally abusive too. We have discussed separation before but he has said there's no way I'm leaving him unless he gets full custody of our son who is under 1. Then the next day he acts like nothing has happened after being a complete pr*ck to me the day before. He blames it on him being depressed, but won't seek any help & i feel like he takes everything out on me. Like you, I am so worried about the detrimental effects this will have on our son. I am too scared to bring up separating again with him without someone else being there so i am trying to book some couples counselling so we can discuss it in a safer environment. I know how all consuming & emotionally draining this must be for you, but it seems like there is some good advice on here to help deal with the situation. I feel very powerless right now but hoping some of these resources will help. Sending you love, strength & courage xx

@Toohardtofindaproperusername

All I said is that people do often have to stay in the same house as most can’t afford to run two households in parallel. It’s not ideal, but reality that one has to deal with.
Unless he is physically abusive - OR the OP has a place to go to - there isn’t much that can be done to make anyone move out.
So - OP needs to get tough and shield herself.
And try to keep it out of their child’s life as much as possible. Again - that isn’t ideal and doesn’t always work out. But one can only try.

A good friend of mine lived with an abusive and turning physical exH-to-be, for nearly 2 years. She ended up having to call the police a few times and this was the only way to keep him controlled. But as it wasn’t ‘bad enough’ in legal sense - he couldn’t be removed. So - she had to keep strong and carry on through negotiations and negativity. Eventually they settled and he had no choice to move out.

So - OP - it will be a long and unpleasant process, but eventually it’ll get better.
You will need to get organised and keep at it.

He is repeatedly begging me to give him another chance. I do think he’s realised how he’s been, but can a leopard change his spots?
We are telling our daughter this evening so he is desperate now. I believe he wants to make it work but my heart doesn’t love him anymore. I wish he’d have said all this months ago even years ago. He would go back to his old ways again wouldn’t he?

The timing is bad with a pandemic and my mum is ill but when it’s over it’s over right? I have a creeping of doubt

After my wobble this morning I took control again. He has accepted it this time and we have told our daughter which was just so sad to cause her so much pain and sadness. I know though that in time we will be happier. I don’t think I’ll drop my card though until we’re all done and he’s gone! Thank you for your support it’s such a massive help x

OP you are so brave. It must have been so difficult for you to tell your daughter but she will thank you in future I'm sure. Long road ahead but hopefully happier times are now within reach. Xx