Narcisstic ex - feeling worried and low

[Justwanttobehappy1234]

Hi all, I’ve been wanting to post for a while but was scared to in case I was recognised on here.

So I split with my husband last year and got with a man who I work with, all very lovely, lots of promises of marriage, babies etc at first.

Noticed a few red flags like he always used to judge other women around him then started criticising me for what I wore, my clothes, my weight etc but would do it in such a way I didn’t notice? Would say I don’t mind you looking the way you do but you could look better etc.

Then the pandemic happened we couldn’t see each other for months but kept in touch over the phone and text, all very lovely and sweet.

Then the rules were relaxed and we started meeting up, the physical side was fantastic but again there were a few niggling things.

Won’t go into detail as I’m scared people I know will read this.

I just need advice really. I dumped him a while ago as some things came to light but he’s going around my workplace and friends talking about me and telling them horrible things that aren’t true. I haven’t retaliated and just kept quiet, I informed my bosses and HR but they don’t seem to care because I’m not giving them any detail.

This is so hard to explain without outing myself 😞 all I can say is that I’ve looked up narcisstic personality disorder and he fits the bill completely. I’m scared for my safety and don’t know what to do. He can get very abusive and nasty about people even when they’ve done nothing to them and I see that now. But people have already started ignoring me at work because I know he’s close with them and my silence seems to be an act of guilt rather than trying to keep out of it. I’m just really low here and don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m taking a massive risk just by posting on here.

Read my thread from 2011 'what would you do'

Explain to HR. In detail

Why aren't you giving them detail?

HR know the basics but he befriended my boss who doesn’t want to get involved as they are friends.

Hi Orkneys I’ve read your thread and can relate. I’m very glad you got out. I just feel like because I’ve done the dumping he’s gaining as much sympathy as possible from everyone whilst running me down. It’s actually starting to affect me mentally

It's his job and he has a duty of care to his staff. What makes you scared of your ex? People at work don't matter your job does. Narcissists rely on other people look up narcissists and flying monkeys it might explain a few things to you

@Justwanttobehappy1234

Hi Orkneys I’ve read your thread and can relate. I’m very glad you got out. I just feel like because I’ve done the dumping he’s gaining as much sympathy as possible from everyone whilst running me down. It’s actually starting to affect me mentally

He will it's what they do I know it's scary and hard but the only thing that matters right now is you. Can you ask for a work transfer? Do you have family in a different area?

Mine cheated on me but still ran to my friend for sympathy... Narcs brains are wired completely different luckily they are text book and they all work in the same way which is great because you can assess your next move.

No I’ve worked there for 20 years and built up friendships. He’s only been there for 5 but has managed to gain lots of friends through compliments and false admiration if you know what I mean, it’s how I fell for it in the beginning

The flying monkeys thing really rings true. It’s like he’s spread the poison and then say back whilst his friends do the bullying for him. I’ve done nothing wrong apart from try to escape.

I think you need to take back a bit of power here. He's been dumped and he is lashing out and most people witnessing his behaviour will be aware of this.

You are reacting exactly how he wants you to, with fear and possibly shame. In your shoes that alone would be enough for me to change tack.

I'm not sure why you arent defending yourself at work to your colleagues? If they tell you something he said and it's not true, say so.

Bottom line is if you were so utterly horrible, as he is saying, he would be happy you were over. He's hurt and lashing out with lies. I'd say that to colleagues and leave it at that.

Rise above it. Be professional and make a few simple statements that will empower you and then get on with your job. If he continues his campaign he is going to look very bitter and unhinged.

Thank you, I needed that. I hope I’m not drip feeding here but I’ve told one close work colleague but they reacted with such horror I just got put off telling anyone else. They reacted with “but he’s so nice” “I can’t ever imagine him doing that” “just ignore him” and I didn’t feel like I was believed 😞

Let them react with horror! He is horrible. You dont need to tell everyone everything; just a few choice statements when they tell you what he has said and then move on. The word will get around.

If he persists, you could tell your colleagues, very bright and breezy, the relationship is over for good reason and you dont want to hear any more of his lies from them.

Don't let him upset another minute of your life. He's not worth it

Thank you xx

@Windmillwhirl

Let them react with horror! He is horrible. You dont need to tell everyone everything; just a few choice statements when they tell you what he has said and then move on. The word will get around.

If he persists, you could tell your colleagues, very bright and breezy, the relationship is over for good reason and you dont want to hear any more of his lies from them.

Don't let him upset another minute of your life. He's not worth it

Absolutely agree. However it will be very uncomfortable for the OP couldn't imagine having to see my ex narc everyday. Think I'd move.

I haven’t seen him for weeks, we don’t work together just in the same company. I’ve built my life here and he’s come in and seems to have taken it over so I’m reluctant to leave on that basis

It’s been weeks now but have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat. I’m constantly fearful he’s going to turn up where I am as he knows all of my movements. He’s got form for hanging around and letting me know at the last minute he’s there. I’m paranoid he’s watching me at night etc

Hopeful bump for any more advice 😞

They reacted with “but he’s so nice” “I can’t ever imagine him doing that”
That is exactly what they will think.

I informed my bosses and HR but they don’t seem to care because I’m not giving them any detail.
You need to give them detail and any evidence.

Hi, just wanted some more advice if possible. So it’s been over a month since I broke up with my ex, and I just can’t seem to get him out of my mind. I feel broken and unable to trust anybody. I hear he’s tried to get back with his ex and it really really hurts after a year of promises, we were meant to move in, get married, have children, I know they were lies and I can see that now, I think that’s what’s hurt so much. I’m struggling to think straight and have to keep reminding myself of all the nasty vile things he said to me and about me, constantly trying to change me, said I needed to keep an eye on my weight, change my clothes, my hair etc etc etc - someone who loved me wouldn’t do that. I just feel so low and can’t seem to pick myself up again, i think I’m just grieving for the future rather than the present because initially I felt relief and my anxiety lessened when I first split with him. But now I just feel lonely and questioning myself, were things really that bad etc.