If you grew up in a violent, neglectful and alcoholic home...

[Ladywinesalot]

How have you turned out?

My Dad was/is a violent alcoholic.
He was awful to my mum, and I guess she couldn’t handle it and took it out on me by being hyper critical and neglectful - not much food availble to eat, dirty house, didn’t talk to me, I didn’t have sanitary towels, clothes to small, not adequate underwear for a teenager.

How did it impact you?

I have to worst self esteem, like I truly hate myself and wish to die.
I try to over achieve but always fall short - I think I’m adhd

I have poor social and relationship skills. I just never seem to understand ppl or be able to fit in.
I always fall out with ppl

I am painfully alone, even though I have my own family.

Not sure why I’m writting this.

Hello op.

I grew up with much the same parents as you.

I spent my teenage years and twenties in volatile and toxic relationships. I did not know what a "normal" relationship was. I then went for counselling after a dreadful relationship that ended with input from the police and woman's aid.

Now, I am "normal" i am not reactive to others or situations, I am calm and I am able explain myself as well as listen to others. I feel at ease with who I am and I have boundaries that I will not allow others to push.

What I am trying to say is you need to change you, change the way you respond and it's not easy.

Instinct is to go into fight mode to protect yourself which is understandable given what you've grown up with but you cannot have healthy relationships with others when you respond that way.

I am married and hold a professional job, I am functional and actually happy! I am safe and I am in control.

All these things matter and help shape who I am.

I am very protective over what I need to be me and I am supported by those that are around me.

I do not invest in unhealthy friendships/relationships and I step back when I feel I am being dragged into chaos.

Sorry probably not helpful but honestly get some counselling to learn new ways to respond and new ways to think about situations.

There are good people out there that are worthy of your time.

I wasn't brought up in these circumstances but just wanted to send a hug, have you had any counselling?

My father was a very violent alcoholic. My childhood was very traumatic. I lived in terror until one day when I was beaten so badly I thought I was going to die. I packed my bags and left. He just saw red mist when drunk and had no recollection the next day. Unlike you my mum did her best to shield us and was a very proud respectable lady who desperately tried to cover for him. I have similar self esteem issues. I tend to alienate people as I don't really know how to deal with conflict or how best to resolve issues. I didn’t have a model for this. I relate to everything you have written about how you feel. Unless you’ve been through it. Nobody understands. I have had many years of counselling which has helped a bit but I still feel adrift in the world. I don’t feel I fit in anywhere and can feel paranoid sometimes. Deep down I feel no one likes me, even though I have my own family, a DH who loves me and some good friends.

Have you had any counselling?

@Ladywinesalot my username might give you a clue!

My dad treated my mum like dirt, she loved me, protected me as much as she could (she was completely controlled by dad) and I had the most loving relationship with her. If i hadn't I fount I'd be the person I am now.

It takes many years to recover and I do sometimes get envious of those who had normal childhoods.

@spendyspender has made an excellent post which is reflective of what I did to change, minus the counselling.

The stately homes thread is very useful.

Personally counselling didn't really help me, I self taught how to mange anger, rejection and low self esteem, it's not a cure and I have many moments when I doubt my worth, but many more when I realise I'm amazing ,as I survived mental, physical, emotional and financial abuse.

After living through very chaotic life until my early 20s and miraculously not coming to significant harm, I met and married my ‘normaal’ DH. I’ve been married for nearly 25 years and have mostly been fine. But, I put that mostly on having to focus on one of my children having a SN.

However, when my kids got to their early teens my memories of my early life hit hard. I think because I could remember being that age and all that went on and realising how bloody awful my parents were. It made me really angry to remember how selfish and abusive they both were.

I can’t change the past and I know none of it was my fault, in fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what created them and tried to avoid copying them. I’ve also spoken to my own kids and I think it helps them understand that lots of people don’t have ideal family backgrounds and that certain behaviour can have a ripple effect and lead to lots of people being made unhappy or damaged by abusive behaviour.

Now it just makes me sad that both my parents wasted their lives, consumed by addictions and misery and that in many ways this was their choice, but it’s not what I chose for me.

As an adult, it’s made me afraid of alcohol. Drink took my dads life. 2 out of 3 of his sister are alcoholics so I grew up thinking it was hereditary.
What best describes me is
‘I don’t have an alcohol problem, but I have a problem with alcohol’

Wow this is a moving and salutatory thread! I don't have anything to add but some sympathy and empathy for the op and other posters. I will say that, as a mostly well adjusted person from a very stable warm and loving upbringing, I think sometimes people from less fortunate upbringings may over estimate how at ease people actually are. There's s lot of covering up of insecurities going on and"faking till you make it"
I congratulate you all on surviving and creating useful lives.