AIBU to not tell toxic family members?

[Toxicityyy]

NC for this as potentially outing. I’ve also been vague about a couple of details.

I’m pregnant. We’ve recently informed siblings and parents and they are over the moon. However, one of my parents wants me to inform other family members and I am loathe to do so.

There are multiple reasons for this, but the main one is that one of these family members demonstrates considerable narcissistic qualities and has form for being emotionally abusive and gaslighting.

I have, for the past year or so been doing the grey rock method which works quite well. They have not contacted me and appear to have no interest in my life. I’m content with this now, although previously found it upsetting and wondered what I’d done wrong.

Previously, when told about important life events they have used it for conversation fodder with their friends, as a way in and as a way to belittle a family member I care deeply about.

I can see why my parent wants me to tell them, but I don’t see why I should. They have no interest in my life - this much is obvious, and I have no intention of letting them be alone with our child due to previous behaviours. I feel that telling them opens a door for them to get in contact and act as though they care, when contact will soon taper off when it no longer suits them/there isn’t any more benefit to them. I also feel that due to our somewhat strained relationship, letting them know is a kind of reward for bad behaviour as they would then use it as social capital. < I am aware this is an odd perspective, but I know what they’re like!

It isn’t just about them in particular - I am also uncomfortable about my in laws letting their various family members know about their anticipated grandchild. I’m not quite sure why I feel this way, it may be because I am quite a private person generally.

Whoops, posted without my main question:

Am I being unreasonable and childish not to tell them?

Do you have any strategies/responses to help me with my parent if they bring it up?

How many weeks are you, OP?

You don't need to 'tell' people if you don't want to, the fact will be obvious fairly soon and word will get around. Just let them find out. And tell your parent that you don't want people talking about you, so want to keep it close family only.

Just say to your parents you want nothing to do with them but your parents can tell them if they want.

I don’t really understand angst about announcing pregnancies in this near-ceremonial way. Tell the people you want and then they’ll tell people and that’s it.

I would tell your mother that it is your decision as to who is informed of your pregnancy, nobody else's, and she needs to drop this line of conversation. Don't bother justifying your reasons because you don't have to.

Thank you @NancyJoan.

I’m in my second trimester. There’s no chance of them casually finding out as we live a fair distance away and not at all likely to bump into them or anyone they know.

I think my parent would argue that they are close family . Would have been happy not telling anyone at all but DH is from a large family that shares lots of personal news and thought that after this year they could do with some good news!

@Merryoldgoat that’s a good idea. May do that.

Like you, I’m not about big reveals or anything, as I said above, would have been happy not to tell anyone but not 100% up to me. No big social media announcements here! Just told during a phonecall when asked what we’d been up to.

Thanks @Aquamarine1029. Also a good shout.

But why do YOU have to tell them? You’re about to be a mother. Steel yourself. Stand up for yourself.

‘Mum - I’m not interested in them or their life. You tell them what you like but I’m not telling them anything’ then change the topic.

@Merryoldgoat I don’t know why my parent particularly wants me to tell them. I didn’t really want to get into it over a phonecall as
I didn’t want it to dissolve into an argument.

I am happy to stand my ground, however I wanted to get some impartial views on whether or not I am being unreasonable. From the responses so far, I’m not, which is good, and helps me feel better in using some of the responses on here like the one you suggested if required.

I would rather avoid an unnecessary fallout with my parent as they are used to the emotional blackmail of the family members and has a lifetime of FOG to come out of. Without going into too much detail, my pregnancy so far has been hard enough with HG and a myriad of testing and I didn’t want the aggravation and stress of a ‘possible but might not happen’ argument looming over my head for the remainder of it

I think that you have every right not to tell this particular family member, @Toxicityyy - and to tell your mum to stop going on about it.

With regards to your MIL telling her family, I think you might be being a bit unreasonable - you have told some family members, and have said here that you may tell your mum that she can tell the toxic family member, but you won’t - so it seems a little unfair that your MIL can’t tell her (non-toxic) family members.

Sorry - posted too soon. I meant to add that I can appreciate your desire for privacy, and I can see how the situation with the toxic family member may be colouring your feelings about your MIL sharing the news.

I’m the mother of sons, and wouldn’t dream of sharing news like this, if one of my future DILs asked me not to - but if I knew your mum was sharing the news, I would feel hurt.

I am confused about which side of the family this toxic person is on - and why you are uncomfortable telling your OHs family? Surely both sides of the family should be treated fairly unless there is an issue with your ILs? What does your OH want to do?

With the specific individual you have an issue with and have gone grey rock - I don’t understand why you are now surprised that they are not in contact with you - surely that was the desired result of grey rock?

Do your other relatives (mother?) have a different opinion or feel a specific obligation to this person? Are they worried that once that relative finds out that the info was withheld - that they will be attacked?

You don’t owe this person anything or even any obligation to your mothers guilt / discomfort.

But take your time. Do what suits you. They may find out some time along the way or you can decide that you are happy for your DM to mention it in conversation when you are 20, 25, 30 weeks etc - or when the baby is born.

But you then need to be ready for the contact from them. Your options are;

To ignore or block any communication,
To be ready for the call and continue with your usual grey rock
Or be ready for the call and up your grey rock techniques so they are crystal clear there is no chink of light that they can exploit.

Be aware that pregnancy often ups your protective and anxiety feelings so know that you are going to feel vulnerable.

Also know how you are going to manage the next stages;

Announcing the birth
Accepting cards / gifts
Taking congrats calls
Accommodating visits etc

You don’t have to do any of this so think ahead.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Don’t let anyone pollute or dictate this precious times.

Thank you @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius.

I’m happy to accept IABU re: MIL telling her side of the extended family. I haven’t, and wouldn’t dream of telling her not to tell anyone as she’s so excited and happy for us.

I think, on reflection, that’s made it harder to see that actually I’m doing the right thing in not telling the toxic ones - A part of me still wants that close, warm relationship with them, but it’s never going to happen.

I think this is difficult for my family member as they still think we’re a “normal” family (whatever that means!) and that how the family members act is how everyone else acts. It isn’t, but try as I might to gently steer my family member towards all the right info, they won’t go. And I won’t force them, all I can do is reinforce my boundaries and support them where I can. It’s hard seeing them stuck in the FOG.

It must be really hard to uncouple the two things in your mind, @Toxicityyy. I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy.

{{{hugs}}}

@Sssloou my parent still feels strong family ties and obligations to the toxic members of my family.

No issues with my in laws.

I think, on reflection, my opinion on that front was skewed because of the relationship or lack thereof with the toxic members. I’m happy to accept I was being unreasonable with that.

Stupidly, I haven’t given much thought to the other issues you raised: cards, phone calls, visits etc. I doubt they will visit when baby is tiny as we are currently in another country and COVID is curtailing any plans to travel either way any time soon. The toxic members are also older (80s) so unlikely to take the long haul flight it would take to get to us. I don’t know when we’ll be back in the UK next as we moved just before the pandemic with DH’s company.

I suppose I’m still surprised that grey rock worked. They like to have them tidbits of information to share with their friends who are involved in their families lives.

I’m afraid they will attack or emotionally blackmail my parent when they find out about the baby, whenever that may be. Besides me, they are my parents only family and I don’t want anything to fall back on my parent unfairly. I don’t feel that I can ignore or block their calls as they will just take this out on my parent.

You’ve given me lots to think about, and I’m grateful for all the perspectives. I just wish it wasn’t this hard.

It shouldn’t be that hard, @Toxicityyy - and I am sorry that it is, for you.