Marriage struggles with SN DC

[mamma3568]

I'm going through a difficult time with my DH. He really is a good guy, but has many flaws as do I.

We moved to another country because of my job, and he has really struggled with the move as well being a SAHP of our DC who has special needs. He became really bad tempered with me for about 6 months, until I told him I couldn't live like this and suggested counselling. We didn't do it in the end but he apologised and stopped being so horrible to me.

So he's trying, but I haven't really felt close to him since, which he's upset about. And when he becomes impatient or angry, (which is not that frequent), or his flaws impact on our life, I start to hate him again. and I think about leaving him.

He really is a good guy, but I don't know how to go back to where we were. Because of DC's SN and lack of family support (here and the UK), we have no childcare options. We both need to put more effort in with our marriage but it's so hard with an SN kid, we literally spend all day just trying to manage DC, or talking about DC, and we're both so tired and stressed. I can't see a way out of this. I feel like we're just marking time without enjoying life, just living for DC.

I would love some advice.

Maybe have this moved to the SEND board, OP?

I can see why your DH is having issues. Being a SAHP isn't for everyone and moving country will have isolated him from his support networks. I know you say you've no childcare options, but donethi g has got to give here. Would getting a job, even part time, help him have something for himself?

something

I nearly started a similar thread last night. We are struggling. Sorry you are having a hard time. Having a child with SN is very straining on a marriage.

DD, 6 with dx of ASD, is struggling with school and has only attended about 50 % of a very reduced timetable this term. DH swings from being on my 'side' in taking a gentle approach rather than forcing. The next day he thinks I'm too soft and it's basically my fault that DD isn't going in. The school is not great, DD is not having her needs met resulting in spectacular meltdowns in the evenings and the weekends. I'm close to breaking point. My family are all in another country and DH only has his dad who does try to help but can only do so much.

Are thete any support groups in the country you are in? Or perhaps a course you could do together?

He does work freelance, but he doesn't balance it well with DC (one of the issues I have with him). He can't really work in this country - the hurdles are too high, especially with the economy tanking and the government is protecting locals. Plus my job situation isn't great, I don't have much slack at the moment, so I can't help out as much as I want to.

@LittleSwede I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar position.

We try to take a gentle approach too, but we're so accommodating to DC, trying to avoid meltdowns, there's no room for anything else.

I am in a few support local support Facebook groups. DH is not that into them, not even for information. He's a strong healthy guy but he seems broken by our SN toddler.

I think you need to forgive him, especially as the behaviour has now stopped. Moving to another country for the sake of someone else, from all he's familiar with, from his previous support network and then dealing with a child with special needs for most of the day while your partner is not at home to support you would test anyone immensely. You yourself have described him as "broken" - i'd be focusing on supporting him if I were you. He sounds close to some sort of breakdown. On top of that you're criticising him for not balancing work with a very challenging child! Why on earth are you not more understanding?

If I were you I'd be looking to return to your original country where he at least has a proper chance of getting a job to get a much needed time from your child plus you both be in a familiar environment and be able to share the load better. Forget counselling, this move doesn't sound worth it at all, and certainly not worth potentially breaking up your family or leading one of you to a mental breakdown!

LilyWater there is some backstory that I wrote and then deleted because it's too identifying. I do understand, I'm doing everything I can to be supportive. I think I am fair to be critical of him not balancing work because it's his choice, it spills into DC time, I have to help pick up the pieces and it affects all of us.

It's a continuous debate if/when/how to move back. We have to balance it with the covid risk which is considerably higher back home and the additional restrictions would make life harder.