Mum nitpicks when drunk

[sparklepink]

Hi all, I don't see my mum often in real life (3-4 times a year for a weekend maybe) but she has always drunk a bottle of wine every night.

I do drink when I am with her, but I don't drink every night. she doesn't drink during the day.

I am not sure if the drink is the issue here (certainly a factor) but when she drinks she basically starts to nitpick about everything I do, I am not sure she realises because when I have spoken up before she said I might be being over sensitive.

A few months ago we had a big argument because she went on and on about a disagreement from six months before, she didn't know how to let it go.

The weird thing is when she's sober she is nice but there are two sides of her. I have also started to notice it when she's sober a bit.

I wonder if it's an age thing maybe.

I really struggle with it, I'm a LP and doing the best I can with no family locally. But she will go on and on about something that i did, or act as if I'm not capable of being a parent or whatever. I did have a difficult few years initially with PND but have pulled it back now. I am not perfect by any means but I am managing a job, a child and a household without help or financial support.

I just think if she's so critical when she gets drunk, what does she really think of me when she's not drunk?

She's the same with other people, critical of them as well (other family members) behind their backs when drunk but not so much when sober.

I think I notice it more because we are closer and we speak daily on the phone. I am sad and feel like I will never be a good enough parent to my son in her eyes, and that every action I take however small (from making a baking mistake with too much baking soda) to looking after my child is pulled apart. Not always overtly but in a way as if she's exasperated with me or whatever or thinks its comical or something.

I am really struggling to be honest, my own self worth is low as it is. I have only really noticed it the last couple of years, but I think it has been going on longer probably although less obvious.

In other ways she can be a rock of support so I am very torn emotionally about whether to bring it up or not. Or maybe I am being oversensitive.

If you're close, it's worth saying "mum, I don't know if you realise, but you often seem quite critical and negative and you cast up the past at me. I really appreciate how supportive you are in so many ways so I don't think it's intentional and I think you think I'm laughing along, but I find it really affects me. Please could you try to be more positive with and about me" or something like that.

Also, I'd stop telling her your minor mishaps and be positive about yourself to her.

It's hard, I find my mum is similar sometimes.

Also cut short conversations when she's pissed and pick times she's likely to be sober.

I don't think you're being sensitive, but I do think the drink is playing a part here, and you are powerless to do anything about it. There's little point pulling your mum up on her behaviour when she's drunk as she won't take it in. Telling her when she's sober may well result in her getting very defensive - at a bottle a night, she's got a pretty big alcohol problem and people in that situation tend to 1) be perfectly aware of that and 2) perfectly unwilling to do anything about it.

Actually I think pointythings is right, if it's only when she's drunk, then there's no point trying to address it. Just avoid conversing when she's pissed.

Yeah my first thought was, meet for lunch / during daytime. If you have to meet in the evening, see if you can arrange an escape route of some kind - you know the thing, you nip off to the loo, text your mate, and five minutes later they ring requiring your attendance immediately! Whatever's plausible.
And if she's critical of others try steering the conversation away immediately (again requiring a strategic wee is one way - then change he subject when you get back).
Everyone knows it's very hard to get people to be different, and it's sad particularly when you start seeing a parent with rather more flaws than you'd like. Been there. What is possible though is changing the circumstances in which you interact so you see less of the bad side and more of the good. Also, finding out about their upbringing so you at least understand how they got to have this side of them can help you at least come to terms with it a bit.

I think I notice it more because we are closer and we speak daily on the phone. I am sad and feel like I will never be a good enough parent to my son in her eyes, and that every action I take however small (from making a baking mistake with too much baking soda) to looking after my child is pulled apart.

You don’t need to speak to her everyday. You don’t need to give her any information that she then uses to attack and undermine you with.

She is eroding your self esteem. A parent at age should be supportive, kind and respectful - she is none of these and most likely the opposite.

Worse though is that her belittling of your is harming your child. This is how inter generational dysfunction is passed
down. Your child now has a mother who feels anxious, threatened, judged, chastised, preoccupied and undermined.

Your child needs a confident, calm, content, light hearted and attuned mother - and your own mother is robbing your child of that.

You don’t need her to emotionally harm you daily. Start to take control. Call her once a week if you must. Keep it short, manage the conversation - everything vanilla. Emotionally protect yourself so that you can be the best mother you can to your child. Read Phillip Perry’s book on parenting because you won’t have a good enough blue print or resilient or effective boundaries due to her continuing emotional abuse of you.

She is an alcoholic. She is nasty and bitter when she is sober/hung over as well as when drunk. She has managed to offend and clear out most of her relationships because alcoholics are bitter, angry, contemptuous and resentful characters. Their brain circuitry is so negativity twisted and polluted with their substance abuse,

Also have a look at Adult Children of Alcoholics website which will help you cope and understand. If you can’t see this for yourself do it for your child. It doesn’t matter that they had too much baking soda in a cookie or whatever - but is does matter that they have an emotionally regulated and robust mother - and this is what your own mother is undermining.

I would be looking to detaching to v low contact unless you want to be emotionally thrashed daily and unable to give your child your best,

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