I don't fancy my DH and I don't know what to do

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This is long - feel it's only fair to warn you but I needed to get it off my chest.

I’m not sure what to do about this.

I love my husband very much and we have been married two years, together seven.

The last two years he has put on about five stone. I’ve probably put on three.

I don’t want to have sex anymore for a few reasons but it all seems to be weight and unhealthy lifestyle related.

I feel horrible about myself and I’ve changed my eating habits and my exercise levels. The weight is slowly coming off. I’m starting to feel a bit better about myself. More like the old me.

My DH has no interest in losing weight or having a healthy lifestyle. His diet is terrible.

It is making me not fancy him. It’s not just the weight, it’s a few things but it all seems to come back to his lifestyle.

The extra weight is making a strain on his joints. For two years now he has suffered with joint pain either in his back, his knees, his shoulders, his ankles, his feet or a combination of all of these at the same time. Not a month goes by where he isn’t suffering with one or the other for at least two weeks of every month.

When this happens it means he can’t really help round the house (we both work full time). He can’t come walking with me and the dog either. So I’m doing a lot of stuff on my own after work and of a weekend.

He has no interest in walking even when he isn't suffering with any joint pain and after a week in work just wants to relax at home which I get. This in itself isn't really a problem but he doesn't want to do anything at all except watch sport and have a beer. I get that he's worked hard all week. My issue is that it's most of the weekend and doesn't help his health.

He is also in my opinion taking too many painkillers, drinking too much and generally not taking care of himself. He’s not showering every day for instance. He doesn’t smell but i don’t want to cuddle in bed because of it.

The mix of painkillers and drinking means he has diarreah every morning and then in the evening too. I can hear him all over the house and it stinks. It makes me feel sick if I’m honest.

Since the weight gain he also snores really loudly so one of us ends up on the sofa most nights. So I’m knackered all the time.

I’m fucked off he isn’t taking care of himself, he’s fucked off we are not sleeping together.

I don’t find him attractive anymore. I want him to be healthy. I don’t want to be a widow and I am worried about his health.

All of the above is factoring into why I don’t fancy him. It’s not one specific thing but the weight, the unhealthy lifestyle I think is the cause of a lot of these problems.

I’ve said in the past, we both need to be healthier, repeatedly but he agrees and then does nothing about it.

I don’t even know what I am asking here but I don’t want our marriage to fail. I also do not want to watch him put himself in an early grave.

He’s not depressed either.

What did he say when you told him all this?

That I'm right and that he will start eating healthier and come walking when his back etc isn't sore.

OP I am so sorry you are in this situation. I often think people in his situation really have a hard time taking the first step and fall off the change in direction with in the first few days but it only takes two weeks to see positive change and then that starts to re-enforce the change.

I see you have spoke about it, why don’t you put a two weeks plan together? And try and stick to that?

The poor hygiene and diarrhoea is fucking disgusting. He has no right to be mad at you over sex.

If he won't change and get healthier then end your marriage. You'll just end up caring for him and resenting it.

Why have you both put on so much weight in 2 years?

Too many meals out. With drinks. Socialising.

Too comfortable I guess.

It's probably been more over three or four years thinking about it but I've only really noticed with him in the last two.

Ah ok I see, I thought maybe it was - ok we’re married now let’s give up completely scenario.

Do you think an ultimatum would spur him on?

If you don't have kids divorce him. Even if he loses weight, the attraction is gone.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at being upset at his failure to look after himself - it's creating a lot of negative consequences. This is a very long shot, but has he seen his GP to make sure that all this musculo-skeletal pain is just from weight gain? My uncle had a similar story, and was found to have a significant medical reason for it. He was getting lots of physical pain, and was using alcohol to self medicate.

Well , this is a situation that I was in five years ago. Almost identical weight gains. ... Now my husband is off the painkillers, lost a pile of weight and does a LOT of exercise. ( I'm still slowly getting there) Have you totally discounted depression as a factor?. Five stone over two years is a lot of weight and it was a factor in our situation.

My husband was addicted to codeine? Is that what your husband takes. ( I'm thinking maybe not as it causes constipation).

Well. I was very similar to you in that our sex life disappeared but I think .... I never felt like my husband owed it to me to be attractive I suppose. I also realised we were both bad for each other in a dietary sense and we had to work hard to change our view of " going out" from dinner and drinks... to say a walk and a movie. I don't know if your situation is salvageable in terms of you fancying your husband but it certainly can turn around. He has to want it for himself though and he doesn't sound ready yet.

I'm not sure you get to say he isn't depressed. He certainly doesn't sound like he's doing great.

I suspect that when you lose more weight and become more visible you will start to notice other men again and at that point your husbands efforts will probably kick in. He's not doing well and you've obviously tried to do it together and that's not worked. I would offer him a last attempt to get fit together and if he doesn't take it up, then you should continue to look after yourself and whatever happens, happens. If it means you need to split then so be it.

@Sal678

Sounds very similar.
He is taking codiene but I think the bad diet and alcohol stops the constipation. On a week off a week. That I know about anyway.

It's a combination of a long commute. Desk job. Stressful. This also doesn't help.

Coming home and just wants to unwind and does that with a beer and shit food. Too tired for anything else.

I cook healthy foods for us but I go in his car and I know he's been eating fast food, Gregg's etc and god knows what else in work.

I think I need to just sit down and talk to him again because it's giving me the rage sometimes.

This aside, he's perfect. He's a good dad, he's kind, he's thoughtful. He's hardworking. He's really funny.

I don't want to be made a widow by something that could be prevented and he has a beer gut which I know is really
Unhealthy in a man his age.

This is what is fucking me off the most. I know I sound like a right bitch but I want him to be the man he was when I met him. He was ever so slightly overweight when I met him it's not that he's gotten fat, it's the fact he is causing himself all these issues which are having a knock on effect to his health that is getting me down.

I'm not going to police his food, I can't even if I wanted to but he is a clever man he knows all this.

Well. We did slimming world together, which was brilliant. We still largely stick to it actually. My husband likes the fact that certain food were unlimited, he's lost all his weight.... About six stone actually.... and I'm still a stone overweight. I still fluctuate a bit, I'm looking at ways to stabilise.

The codeine may be causing more of this problem than you realise . It will be causing havoc with his digestive system which is an issue . But I always felt the bigger problem is it makes you feel calm and happier and just not care much. Which makes you unmotivated to make changes. In our case , it had to go. Nothing would stick when he was addicted to codeine. Depending how much he's taking he can lower the dose himself,cause paracetamol and ibuprofen instead. It's not easy coming off codeine but it's never intended for long term use. Some doctors can keep you on it for years though, decades even, depending on the situation, but if he can come off it , he needs to.

What age is he roughly? We were late 30s when things got bad, now 40s and feeling much healthier....

You need to have a good talk , lay it down but I wouldn't expect immediate changes... It's a lot of different things to deal with. Maybe start with one goal and move from there.

How is he a good dad if all he does is sit around drinking beer and eating?

It sounds like his attitude changed once you got married. How much is he drinking each night?

From my own experience this is unlikely to change unless he wants to. I would have one final last chat with him then try to detach from the situation. Sleeping on the sofa is not good, do you have a spare room you can put a bed in?

He’ll likely have some kind of low level depression from the drinking.

Your marriage is definitely not over. Ignore those comments.

However, he needs to understand that your sex life is unless he addresses some of your concerns. Basically, he needs exercise and self-respect. And to stop drinking.

How many units do you think he drinks a week?

Insist he has some counselling to get to the bottom of why he has changed so much. .....Job? Being the breadwinner? always hated himself? worries about being a good enough father? what was his childhood like?

I think he does sound depressed. He's scraping through the week by self medicating with beer, codeine and crap food, and neglecting personal hygiene. He has lost the ability to see why it is worth taking care of himself. All of which will compound the low mood, and make it more stressful to do the long commute and work long hours.

It is very hard to keep up with a demanding job while feeling physically unwell and not valuing your own wellbeing - it sounds like everything is combing to feed a low level depressive state.

Depression isn't always about being in acute agony where you can't function at all - it can be a flatness, a belief that it's pointless to invest in your own self care and future, trudging through the days propped up by unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcohol, overeating, etc).