Relationship after dementia

[akerman]

My DM is dementia and, as she loses her inhibitions, is becoming her worst self. She was horribly abusive to us when we were growing up. She’d hit us, and tell us how awful we were and how she wished our friends were her children instead. And now it’s never going to change. I keep remembering the time I failed my cycling proficiency test when I was 9 (I know - I still don’t know anyone else who did that) and she grabbed the front of my face in her fist and twisted it. She wasn’t always like that, but she’s only that horrible, angry person now. People say it’s the dementia, but she always had this in her. Do other people find 5his?

has dementia, not is

Not dementia but my mother had another short term illness with the same symptoms as you are describing. Three months of hell, I was triggered every single day. I am extremely low contact now , even though she is fully recovered and back to her (fake) sweet self. There's a lot of repurcussions when you abuse your children. I would advise you to ensure she is cared for by others/ outside help and have the maximum amount of contact you can cope with, while taking care of yourself. This will probably be very little contact. I would also look at accessing counselling. It's a difficult transition. Good luck.

Lilla 5665 has excellent advice

Thank you both!

Yes. I think the lack of inhibitions allows for the individuals worst traits to come to the fore. They no longer consciously modify or control their behaviour.

I think its quite convenient that often care staff believe the atrocious behaviour is caused by dementia, at least the demented person is at a lower risk of retributive treatment from those caring for them. All the training and myth making is designed to safeguard the vulnerable.

My father has dementia now. He is the same person, just demented, so his nasty temper is unchecked, and because its dementia its unchallenged, which is sort of reassuring. But I don't want to be nice in the face of shouting and threatening behaviour from him. I can't stand to be near him now.

Years ago I worked as a deputy manager in EMI. By the end of it I vowed never to go back. It was horrible, the staff were stressed, the patients were anxious and scared.

I am waiting for DF to die, and prey it is sooner rather than later. He is scared most of the time, and angry. Thankfully the very kind staff seem to be very keen to hold the idea that he is a marvellous man.....or at least that is what they want me to believe they think! for all I know he could be mistreated and neglected. I don't want to scratch below the surface and prefer to bury my head. What is the alternative?

Excellent advice from Lila5665

Oh and my father in law has dementia, and we had to fight for social work to do a care assessment/provide carers and they constantly said things like " normally the family would do this" to make us feel suitable guilty.... It's difficult to get a proper programme of care set up ( still a work in progress for us), it would definitely be helpful if you are able to tell them she is abusive and you are no longer able to provide direct care. Keep to contact in writing if it's stressful and be prepared for everything to be slow due to covid but don't give up. At all. You don't deserve this, you never did. Your mum could live for a while now, it is actually quite rare to die from dementia as the progression is slow , so really protect yourself. (I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just you could care for her for a long time) And it's not being selfish, it's just caring for yourself the way she was supposed to.

You might already have all this in place but just in case....

Thank you so much, Lila.
And sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing, Mini. Yes, I find it really hard to be near my mother now. I’m surprised at how frightened of her I still am, as she really has no power anymore.

I became frightened of my father. He had always been a bit of a character, lots of charm, drinking, gambling, racing cars, organising holidays and being very adventurous and intelligent. He had led a bit of a mad life, but the temper was always there but below the surface. I'd see it sometimes but it was never directed at me, and he was fun to be around, I have a lot of good memories, but he scares me now.

Social services were worse than useless. I worked for the same LA Social services for nearly 7 years and knew the system inside out. But......cuts, and privatisation of services. As Lila5665 says don't let them compel you to provide all care. Sometimes its kinder to step away yourself. Its not selfish, its often the best option. I've seen worse abuse in situations of familial care giving where there is little support. Its usually due to the fact that the parent themselves was not a good parent. There is no shame in admitting you can't care for them. Its often best for you and them.

Thanks, mini. I absolutely can’t provide care. She wanders and drinks and I live 300 miles away and am the breadwinner in our family. I think we’ll have to put her in a home, which makes me sad, as it’s what she always dreaded, but there isn’t another solution.
Your Dad sounds quite a character!

I'm sorry you are going through this too. My DF was wandering about. Couldn't protect him. He was drinking a lot too, mainly whisky. He had always bought very expensive single malt whisky that was made in small batches. Probably a few thousands spent.....drank it all . Still he probably enjoyed it, but he created so many dramas going missing in the night, falling in the street, setting fires, calling 999, chasing women! I laugh at some of it now he is somewhere safer, but at the time the worry was overwhelming. And the temper if you tried to reign him in was terrifying.

I hope you are able to get her help. I don't know if i will ever forgive my father for some of his recent episodes, the sheer exhaustion, the anger directed at me and what seemed so selfish behaviour towards my DC, he can't apologise or appreciate the harm he was causing. And I'm angry at him. I'm not sure when I will be able to put it behind me because there is no chance of rebuilding the relationship with a demented person. This is why I think its easier for carers to care for them, they build a relationship only with what is know and the person they see in front of them. There is no complicated history. I am having counselling soon, to try and forgive DF, because I can't repair the relationship with him, and never will be able to.

Whatever you do, don't feel like you have to do more than you reasonable can, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Be honest with people, don't protect her by feeling silenced. Your experiences were real, no less so just because she now got dementia.

It sounds awful, mini - I hope your counselling helps. And thank you so much for replying.