Ex husband punished me for leaving him

[thefourgp]

Without going into it all, I ended my marriage nearly three years ago and my ex did everything he could to make my life a living hell. Putting lies about me on social media, making false reports to various authorities, harassing me to the stage the police had to repeatedly tell him to leave me alone, I had to block every form of contact and only in the past six months has he stuck to communicating via solicitors about childcare. Lots of emotional and financial abuse.

I’ve moved on. I have my own home I love, I’m doing well working from home and my kids are happy etc. I started online dating recently but I’m really struggling not to over think anything a guy says. I am constantly on the look out for red flags. I do miss sex and companionship but any time a guy seems overly interested in me it puts me off because I worry he won’t leave me alone if I change my mind. I’m a confident person and I have no problem speaking my mind and being clear about what I want. However, I’ve been through hell and I couldn’t go through that again.

I just sometimes wonder if it’s worth the anxiety. I don’t want anything intense or serious but it would be nice to have a partner to share adult things with. Anyway, I’m just getting this off my chest.

Im glad you posted to get it off your chest. Do you have anyone to talk to in real life?

I think you would probably benefit from some professional support. What your ex did could well have left you with some form of anxiety or even PTSD. You deserve to heal properly - please don't feel you have to do it alone.

Maybe you just aren't ready to date again. I think we put ourselves under too much pressure to get 'back out there' and often our friends and family do too.

I didn't bother for several years for similar reasons. I took my time, focussed on my kid, me, my job and friends etc

It's not a foregone conclusion you need to be out there trying to find someone to be with. You sound strong and decisive, that you've made a good new life for yourself so do you really want to date again right now?

another one saying - do you really want to date?

Take your time and don’t worry about being meticulous with your boundaries.
If you can’t trust fora while that’s a perfectly understandable reaction to what happened to you.
Someone will come along eventually who you do trust.

Two very different things here. Ex not moving on and you not moving forward.
It seems like ex is finally behaving himself. I respect your wish not to get into all that. He is an ex for a reason. Every time he has a choice, he may make selfish decisions.
Hardly unusual to want a little love and kindness in your life!
Perhaps 2020 is not the year to be looking for intimacy.
You have done so well and gotten so far. Take courage and pride in that.

Thanks for all your kind replies. I keep swaying between just staying single until my kids are older and then wondering if I’m using them as an excuse because I’ll struggle so much to trust someone. I ended up suffering from terrible mental and physical anxiety last year plus grief (my dad died two years ago) but I’ve come a long way and stopped most of my medication. I haven’t needed to see my psychologist this year and I don’t have any of the awful physical symptoms as before.

I’ve got a date tomorrow and if it goes well I’ll tell him we need to take it slow. If it doesn’t go so well I think I’ll just take a break from the dating scene for at least another year. I’ve got plenty of other good things going on in my life to concentrate on right now. Thanks again. X

OP I’m in a similar situation although a bit the reverse of yours: I divorced my ex a couple of years ago after she repeatedly cheated and it was a emotionally traumatic experience (at least for me) all round. The trouble is, she gave no inkling as to being unhappy before she cheated nor any reason for doing what she did. She just said she “changed” and that was that. I did nothing especially wrong. She just “fell out of love” and I’ve been given no inkling to the cause. Before the OM revealed he fancied her we were best friends, with a great love life and very close.

So now, as soon as anyone any woman becomes overly interested in me it puts me off because I think “one day you’ll just wake up and familiarity will have bred contempt and you’ll be gone”.

I hope time heals it. I’m not sure how therapy could help to be honest.

I'm the same. Last relationship was abusive I look for red flags everywhere too. I'm staying single aswell men are not for me and I love being single.