Sexting etc

[Catkin58]

Hi Ladies ,
My first time posting . Think I posted in the wrong place half an hour ago lol .
Anyway , I’m a mum to two adult kids , in their twenties . I have been married over 25 yrs and not once suspected my husband of cheating . A week or so ago I get a Facebook message from a woman claiming to be having an affair with my husband . At first I thought it was a nasty joke . It wasn’t .
I confronted him and he told me they had not slept together but done “ other things “ . I did not ask what as I didn’t want to know . He told me there has been lots of texts and phone calls of a sexual nature . I simply don’t know what to believe or do . He claims to have not seen her in a long time . I believe this , but because if travel bans and his work commitments, not his conscience .
I’d like to know if anyone has any thoughts on this . I am still in shock .I feel so betrayed and also stupid . This must have been going on under my nose .
How can I ever trust him again ?
I also don’t know whether to believe him when he says they didn’t sleep together . If they did “ other things “ then why not have sex ? Are messages and phone calls , and “ other things “ infidelity? Do I really consider ending a long marriage over this ? I feel sick to the pit of my stomach .
Any suggestions welcome xx

Sorry op, it's not likely he's going to want to tell the truth of the sordid details because of his guilt, he's only telling you bare minimum, what did the ow say? Did she go into details?
Unfortunately once the trust I gone it's hard to rebuild.

Why did the OW message you ??
Talking from experience unfortunately he is only telling you what you already know and he will not tell you anything else. Only you can say weather or not you can make a go of it . It’s still early days amd you you will
Go from wanting to make it work to wanting to end the marriage. It is the worst rollercoaster of your life that you didn’t ask to get on. Take care and don’t rush into anything.

Thank you for taking the time to comment . I feel so alone in all of this . She simply said she felt I should know . I haven’t responded to her yet . I just don’t get how this could be going on for so long ( two yrs approx ) and to have not suspected anything . I thought I knew my husband .

Thank you for sharing your thoughts . I feel numb , still , like it’s not really happening . I do t know whether to contact this woman to hear her side of it

He's been having an affair for two years. They've had sex. Come on now.

He's minimising and still lying and gaslighting you.

It's very early days having found out - you do not have to decide a single thing or make promises to forgive or work through it.

Give yourself time to recover from the shock and the impulse to try to return everything to normal. Whatever happens in the end, it's going to be a very painful time and there are no quick fixes.

Look after yourself.

He is lying. Of course they had sex. He will give you the smallest amount of information he can get away with.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you (happened to me too). I chose to leave, there is no way I could have ever trusted him again.. I'm worth more than that.

Who is she? How did he meet her? What is his reaction to all this? Is he sorry/begging for forgiveness?

It's a bit strange that she told you, perhaps she wants you to leave so she can have your DH exclusively. As others have said this must be absolutely devastating for you and you would be quite justified in storming off without further ado but, hard though it is, it might be better to give yourself a few weeks to get over the immediate shock before taking irreversible steps. Can you seek support from your DC? In my experience the younger generation are very censorious about cheating so you should find a sympathetic ear.

That word “ gaslighting “ did come to mind . She lives up in north England and I believe him when he says they haven’t seen each other in a while .

It's amazing how people can snatch time to have an affair. Seemingly innocent things- going to pick something up bought from eBay. A quick meeting at work. People having affairs are very creative hence you being unaware of what was going on

Hi , he says they met when he was away on business . But he hasn’t been to that office in a very long time , however was due there before the first lockdown . So I have no doubt they were planning to see each other. He is saying he made a mistake ! A mistake !!!i can almost get my head around a drunken one night stand ,but this has been going on for two years! Could they really just be talking about sex for that long ? My mind is going crazy .

To answer a few of your questions - can they have had a purely online/phone interactions over the past two years - possible. Especially if he hasn’t been up that way. People do sometimes have ‘online affairs’ with people that live far away. I think those often start innocently in a way, and don’t feel like actual cheating due to distance. And then people develop some sort of intimacy in a faraway connection. It feels safe because there is no real physical cheating. And it serves its purpose - having a bit of excitement without actually crossing the line, as it feels more like a fantasy.

As to what you want to do about it, it’s really up to you. Many of the younger women here would tell you that for them it’ll mean the end of marriage. But I am not so sure there is only one way to look at it. In a long marriage of 25years - I am sure there is a bit of boredom, as it’s natural. If all he was looking for was a bit of a fantasy escape - then it’s not great, but can be overcome.
If, as your name suggests, you are close to 60 - I’d probably not thrown away a long marriage over this. But it would need his remorse openness and lots of communication.

In a long marriage of 25 years you get a very nice chunk of equity and pension. How is your marriage otherwise?