Please I need advice. Feeling very lost.

[Jomcdk]

Hi guys, I would love to hear some advice from you as I don’t know where to turn to.
Ok so I’m 23 and have a 1 year old baby boy, Iv just lost my mum to cancer she was 42 and she was my whole life I quit my job to care for her for the past year and a half all while becoming a new mum! I’m also so glad I did as tough as it was. In the past 6 and a half years iv lost my daughter(to a previous relationship) at birth, my grandmother who was also my everything and a big loss to me, my little 2 year old cousin and now my mother. It’s been pretty shit. I’m now in a unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Iv been with him for the past 5 years, (we had a break for 6 months) The reason we had a break 3 years ago was after the death of my grandmother, he wasn’t supportive, never asked how I was, very selfish, didn’t speak nice to me. Now I feel the same way again, it’s been like this since my mum got sick a year and a half ago. But it’s really getting to me now, I feel like he should be there for me, ask me how I am, make sure I’m ok etc but he doesn’t , all he does is shout at me for stupid things, put me down, gives out about house work not being done and house being a mess, gives out about my parenting, Iv just lost my mother and it hard for me to even get out of bed some mornings. I feeling like this is just too much for me, I have told him how I felt 1000 times he keeps saying things will change and when it comes around to the weekend when he is home nothing ever does. I am a lot happier during the week when he is away at work. But I’m also so so scared to end the relationship. I don’t know if I could handle a break up and loosing my mum all at once, I don’t have a great support system as it is. ? And also just to add when we previously broke up after the death of my grandmother(I ended it) I was deveatated and so heartbroken and really wanted him back, he went back to his ex girlfriend and this just ripped my heart apart. I’m scared to feel like this again. I’m scared I won’t be able to deal with it all again. Especially now after loosing my beautiful mum. But I also can’t listen to the constant putting me down and negativity towards me. My self esteem has gotten so low in the last few years. I’m just feeling very low . Anyone have any advice for me ??? I would love to hear it . Thank you

I am so sorry to hear you have been through all this OP but if you can handle what you have been through the past few years then I have no doubt you are strong enough to walk away from this waste of space! Now is your chance to be happy, please don’t waste the best years of your life allowing this! You said your happier when he isn’t around. Let him go back to whatever ex he wants because you’re worth 100 of him

So sorry to hear of all your bereavements, what a terrible tough time you have had. I don't really have much advice though it seems clear this is not a very positive relationship and whilst I understand any more loss at this point might seem too much, it also seems plainly clear you should not stay with him. If he can't be supportive now and it's actually better when he's not around then remove yourself from him. A partner should be a bonus not a drain. Much love to you

I cannot fathom going through all of that at your age, AND having a child to look after, and I'm more than a decade older than you.

I am a lot happier during the week when he is away at work

There you go. You know what you need to do.

The reason why you keep hanging on to him is that you need something solid right now - a rock to make you feel stable, someone who's there on-hand.....just in case. Unfortunately, he's weighing you down. He's not even neutral!! Keep being kind to yourself though - you are still young, still developing your personality, and still have more to learn about personality traits & men.

No wonder you find it hard to get out of bed! I think you need stability right now, and I think it's going to come at the expense of your comfort. If you end it with this man and stick to that, it will be scary at first, but you will have more space for positive thoughts & feelings, for you and your child. Have your GP refer you to grief counselling or just general counselling.

Thank you for your kind words and advice . It’s very much appreciated xxx

Also, you can come on MN anytime for support

@Jomcdk as a mum to a 23 year old- I’m saying what your lovely mum would if she was there with you.
You are worth so Much more than this. You deserve to be happy. You have been shown great love in your life and suffered huge losses. But you know that your mum is in your heart and in your child and in you and you k ow she would want you to be happy and loved and supported.
End the relationship and take time to heal and be kind to yourself and be happy 💕🌟

You’ve been through so much. Are you getting any help or support? Bereavement counselling? You shouldn’t have to just cope with all this. We are all here for you

I lost my mum too. Hugs.

Try calling nhs talking therapies and even contacting your health visitor.

This really touched my heart ❤️ Thank you for taking the time to reply ,,, it’s very much appreciated. Xxx

Hi yes I’m doing a lot of online healing and go to a councillor once a week . I find it really helps xx

I was in a similar position 22 years ago. oOne of the last things my Mum said to me (she was 44) was that she wished she hadn’t stayed with my step dad so long, as life is too short to be unhappy. Shortly after I had my second child and as a new parent and recently bereaved I was a mess. I remembered what my Mum had said though and got rid of my waste of space boyfriend I’d been with for 10 years.
I didn’t think I would find someone else, but I’ve been married to my current husband for 15 years, we have two more children and he has supported me through all my troubles!
There is a prince out there waiting for you - don’t make do with a frog that won’t change!

Ah OP I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I lost my mum quite suddenly when I was 21 and my dad a couple of years later. I rushed into an abusive relationship (he used to moan I was untidy, a shit mum, a useless partner - nothing I did was ever good enough) because I didn't want to be alone forever, I wanted to be part of something, to mean something to someone. I got out of it eventually but it blighted quite a chunk of my life, and I spent years paying off debts he'd run up. I am with someone now who truly loves me, and cares for me and who I wish I'd had in my life 25 years ago. You too can have this, you can have a wonderful life with your baby, you just need to get rid of this man who is dragging you down.

Think about what your mum would want. She wouldn't want you, her wonderful daughter who cared for her when she was sick, to be wasting your life with a man who treats you horribly. You deserve so much more xx

Thank you so much for ur lovely message,, really helps hearing ur advice xxx

You've been through a lot, and not surprisingly you're afraid at the thought of taking away the last remaining part of your support network. Anyone would be.

But - he isn't really, is he? You are happier when he's not there. He's no support at all, quite the opposite in fact.

It will be complicated and difficult - finances, visitation, his outrage at being left, that nagging feeling that you've made a terrible mistake - but once it's over life will be so much easier without him.

Do you have any friends? Even if you haven't really seen them for a while - they're possibly feeling guilty about that now and might want to rally round.

Like others I am really sorry to see how much bereavement you have been through so young. It also looks like you may not have had much opportunity to enjoy your youth and freedom. Its good to see you have a counsellor and that is useful to you, talk to them. Your partner by your own post is not helping you. Be brave and best wishes.

Wow you poor thing, what a tragic few years you have had, firstly I just want to say I am so sorry. And I’m glad you have this page as some support. Secondly, this is the perfect timing really. There is no pain that is going to feel like what you are feeling now of losing your mum, if you end it now really are
You even going to notice? That horrible pain you feel in your tummy and your heart when break ups happen, you already have because your missing your lovely
Mum. Use your pain as your strength, to say to him I don’t want this anymore. Go onto the gov website and start your single parent claims and get the ball rolling as there is a delay because of Covid (6 weeks I think a work friend said) but they backpay you. Don’t let him talk you round, he hasn’t once changed nor will he. Your young enough to start fresh and have a great life, You really deserve it xx

I do have friends but recently have drifted apart as have spent my time caring for my mum and becoming a new mum myself, they call and see me every few weeks but I’m afraid to open up to them. I just feel that i don’t want to burden them with my problems,

Thank you so much, this page is great and I feel so much better reading everyone’s kind and lovely messages. Xxx

Burden them. You NEED support. Mumsnet and mums aren't the only people to give it. Reach out and leave your useless partner.

I'm so glad you're seeing a councillor. I sincerely hope you find a way to get away from this horrible man. You and your little one deserve happiness, life is so precious and often short so please make the most of yours by finding a way to start a new life. X

Burden them honestly ! I'd be devastated if my friends don't feel they can come to me. I've a whole load of shit going in RL but I'm still there for them.

Wow all of this, and you are only 23!
Please, I say this not because I want to enforce things off to someone just because it's what I would of liked, but please enjoy your life and grab it with both hands, it goes so quickly, and you have so much time and still a lot of young years left.
You say you don't know if you could deal with a break up as well as everything else that has gone on, but you are at the same time, dealing with all the crap from your partner, and all the while caring for a young baby. I think if anything, though you will go through the natural thoughts of doubt, and will miss him etc, by getting rid you will be removing one problem/strain cause of feeling down, not good enough etc, from your life, that can only be a positive!

Thank you,, it helped lots to read ur messages of kindness. Xxx

You have been through so much, my heart goes out to you X. What a fantastic daughter you have been to your beloved mum, how proud of you she must have been. Listen to your instinct love, it's screaming at you to make a change in your life. And, it will be a great change. Once you have made it, you will just get stronger and stronger, I promise you. Things can only get better for you now xxx

Please reach out to your friends. They want to be there for you.

The death of a parent can be the strength to make changes to your life.
After my father passed, I left my abusive marriage.

It may be silly but I see my deceased loved ones like guardian angels looking out for me.

You mum would want you to leave and make a happy life for you and the baby.
I say that as a mum and grandmother. What we want most of all for our DC and DGC is for them to be happy, healthy, and safe.