Signing up to a long distance relationship/marriage during a pandemic

[Siw2020]

Hi everyone.

We have been together >5 years and engaged for the past year or so. In this time we have previously done LDR for a year (not fun).
We were friends prior to starting this relationship and have basically lived together for the entire time apart from the year of LDR.

Both professionals and building our careers. Been renting a long time but had intended for this current tenancy to be the last one. Currently in the process of planning our wedding and simultaneously house-hunting. Due to our careers, always knew it could be a possibility that we'd have to spend some time apart but always hoped it would be commutable or close enough to visit frequently on days off etc.

DP has to take a job for 3 years thats 5 hours drive away. I completely agree its the right thing to do from a professional/career point of view. If it was the other way round, I too would be taking it. Especially because has had to wait a fair while for this to come up (previous options were worse yet).

We don't have children yet but feel we've been together long enough and this is the right time for us biologically (early 30s).

He hasnt left yet, got a few months, most of the time we try to look at it in a positive light. Its in a city he likes and has previously suggested it would be nice for us to live/work in. Yet I can't help but feel overwhelming sadness occasionally(/frequently). We both work weekends on a shift basis so there will be times (as in the previous year apart) where we both work alternate weekends and before you know it 6-8 weeks can pass without us meeting.

Moving is also not an option for me for similar reasons from a career point of view. But also in terms of "settling down" - this is the area we want to buy a house in/ start a family in as both sets of parents are closer here (

If neither of you are willing to compromise your career prospects to settle down together then you will just have to trust each other in the meantime and get on with it or agree the relationship isn't right for you and move on.

We've been doing similar for years. We're currently two countries apart but can work from home, so we're spending a lot of time in quarantine at the moment. We've got the added issue of needing visas, so DP can't follow my work for anything less than a permanent move, because otherwise he'll lose his career and visa.

It's shit, but the honest answer is that you have to deicide if you value your careers or your relationship and children more. If you've got a 90% chance of stability after the 3 years and two jobs in the same city, it's probably sensible to suck it up and just hope you have no problems conceiving. If there's no hope of stability, one or both of you will have to compromise.

I've decided I'm changing careers, because even if I can get a permanent contract in the next 3-5 years, I'm unlikely to get much choice of country, let alone city. With the likelihood that the pandemic is going to rumble on and Brexit being a shitshow, my career/life balance is simply no longer viable. It sucks. It took 10 years training to achieve the position I'm in now and I'm starting to make professional headway, but I'm unlikely to achieve stability before I'm 40. And they wonder why women are under-represented in my industry!

After the 3-year period, is it likely that DP will find a permanent position in your current city? Or might he be required to stay on? If the latter, I think I'd end it now or pick one of you to make a sacrifice and stay/move.

As to what you decide to do, here are some thoughts. Do you want a family (with anyone)? Is that more or less important than your career? Early 30s is maybe on the late side for starting a new relationship and building a family from there, though of course not at all impossible. If you decide to move for him, or him you, will either of you feel resentful? Who is more likely to find a fulfilling albeit not the perfect career, if they were to move? What about earning potential - who's expected to be the breadwinner (and therefore whose job perhaps needs to be prioritised)?

This is a horrible situation and I'm sorry OP.

@Hesfamousforit

If neither of you are willing to compromise your career prospects to settle down together then you will just have to trust each other in the meantime and get on with it or agree the relationship isn't right for you and move on.

Thanks for the reply. Compromising on our careers really isn't an option, we've been working for over a decade to get to where we are now (both in the same broad field of work) and now is a crucial stage of carving our niche within the career. At worst it will be for 10 years (hopefully less so till we're max 40) but realistically I would hope after 3 years DP can move back to my city or a nearby commutable one.

Calling quits on the relationship is not something either of us are remotely considering, this is something we've always been aware of as something that could very realistically happen / has happened to seniors in our roles. Much more difficult to maintain new relationship, but we've known eachother for many years so I'm not really worried about it from relationship-threatening point of view. More just how rubbish its going to be.

@lekkerkroketje
how long have you guys had this set up for? what sorts of things made it easier / any advice.

Yes I think there is a >90% chance of stability after 3 years. Even if it doesnt work out in terms of the next step from a career point of view, DP will have completed what hes set out to do over the next 3 years and will come back to where we live (even if that means not progressing further/working in a junior role).

"And they wonder why women are under-represented in my industry!" This is such a shame and almost makes me angry. Can I ask what field you work in?
(I know I'm wallowing a bit right now, but so frustrated/annoyed that its so hard in certain industries to have a flourishing career and relationship both - like why aspire to do well when it feels like the universe is against you)

A long-distance relationship that works for you could be fine as you both have fulfilling careers; but I wouldn't throw children into the equation and make yourself effectively a single parent. Assuming he's not volunteering to be the primary carer! (No, thought he wouldn't be!) If you're not desperate to have children, I think I'd put the wedding plans on hold, buy a house/flat in my own name - and see how it goes.

@itsafig

After the 3-year period, is it likely that DP will find a permanent position in your current city? Or might he be required to stay on? If the latter, I think I'd end it now or pick one of you to make a sacrifice and stay/move.

As to what you decide to do, here are some thoughts. Do you want a family (with anyone)? Is that more or less important than your career? Early 30s is maybe on the late side for starting a new relationship and building a family from there, though of course not at all impossible. If you decide to move for him, or him you, will either of you feel resentful? Who is more likely to find a fulfilling albeit not the perfect career, if they were to move? What about earning potential - who's expected to be the breadwinner (and therefore whose job perhaps needs to be prioritised)?

This is a horrible situation and I'm sorry OP.

Its fixed term for 3 years after which he definitely wont be staying - will be a case of applying for jobs again for a more senior role and trying to get as close to where I am as possible (ideally same city, if not working a junior role in the same city which would be much easier to do)

Yes, I definitely want a family (soon-ish within the next 3-5 years for sure, perhaps even much sooner). Its not a new relationship but yes new marriage (I averaged it to 30 - Im just under, him just over)

No I dont think either of us would resent the other, but certainly both of us encouraging the other pursue what we've spent over a decade training up to. It would be a total waste to just stop. I think both of us far more likely to have a fulfiling career by spending time apart now (next 3 years) and building a foundation than by prioritising our relationship/marriage at the expense of career - think it is likely be more challenging to secure these posts at a later stage (as employer will likely wonder what we have done in the meantime from a career point of view when in reality it would have halted)
Earning potential - very similar (him more at present for having more experience) but negligible and likely me more in

I assume you're something medical?

I'm a research scientist. The job sucks for almost everyone who doesn't have family money. You end up with either a trailing spouse or long distance, which tends to mean failed relationships and mental health issues. It also means that a lot of the good empathetic people quit, because they can't do that to their partners anymore, leaving a disproportionate number of the maladjusted to run the show with all the expected management failings.

We've been together 10 years and international long distance 5 of those, although not contiguously. We got lockdown together thankfully because my boss is very understanding. I actually quite like it in some ways. We live in two very different (lovely) cities so get the best of both, and it's quite nice to get some time on my own.

Most of the things that really help are going to be out of your control. Good pay so you can get a decent flat in both places so that you're both at home in both places. Both help furnish both and have belongings in both. Carefully negotiated cleaning schedules or cleaners so that one partner doesn't end up cleaning both flats. Understanding bosses who appreciate that you want to leave Friday morning and come into work Monday afternoon. In the UK, a car. Commuting long distance with unreliable public transport is soul destroying. I remember once trying to get to and from London for the weekend in a snow storm - 4 cancelled flights and almost the entire weekend in different airports. I should have stayed at home! Speak every day, even if you just talk rubbish. You'll have to expect to drop friends and family, because if you only only see each other two days out of ten, those days have to count (even if it's staying in bed all day.) Seeing other people comes second otherwise the relationship will deteriorate. Similarly, don't try to do things too much when you see each other. It's so tiring just changing beds every week because you don't sleep well (another tip, get the same bed in both flats!) so trying to 'make memories' just adds to it. We've basically stopped going on holiday, because we can't cope with trains and planes for fun! I never want to see another airport again! I'd rather order take away and not have to pack a suitcase!

The pregnancy idea is a good one! When does the 3-year period start? You'd ideally get pregnant, and start mat leave at the start of the 3 years (and spend it in his city). Take a full year, go back to work for a year, then go on mat leave for baby 2 (again in his city). That would only be one year apart. Though: would this interfere with your career prospects in the short-term?

@itsafig The pregnancy idea is a good one! When does the 3-year period start?

Is it- would it work do you think? In terms of being pregnant/delivering etc in one location then jetting off for the (?)12 months mat leave to a different part of the country and seamlessly returning a year later?

It could realistically only happen for 1 year out of 3 (as need to actually get pregnant and be pregnant for 9 months) so thats likely going to take at least 1 year from now then 12 months off at which point he'll only have a year left max and I imagine I'd/most people probably return LTFT?

Though: would this interfere with your career prospects in the short-term?
Tricky Q, I mean probably yes to some extent its inevitable compared to others not getting pregnant/men but equally I definitely would like to start a family and feel now(ish) is a good time and the career will have to work with it. What I can't do is quit altogether to go live with DP for no legitimate region as it would be near enough impossible to get back to where I am now.

You need to take a big step back and really reflect on what you've written. From your posts it's clear you both prioritise your careers over the relationship with the other person. If you're already in this mindset, it bodes complete disaster for a marriage! You need to be seriously thinking whether your boyfriend is the right person for you and whether creating a close knit family with him is truly your priority if you're adamant you want to stay where you are for your own career, and he has, for all intents and purposes, chosen a job over you, knowing (I assume) that you won't want to be following him.

In contrast to what you've written, he doesn't "have" to take this job, nor is compromising your careers "not an option". For many couples, being 5 hours for a period of 3 years away from the person they love above all and want to commit the rest of their lives to would not even be an option to consider. These are choices you've both made which show how you view the relationship and each other, relative to other things in life.

If you have kids and your husband is long distance, you'll be full of resentment within months, if not weeks, essentially raising a baby as a single parent while he prioritises his job (just look at the threads on here and on the parenting boards).

@LilyWater Thank you for your input.
Perhaps we live in different worlds. I know of lots of people who have had to juggle professional & family lives (some have had it worse than us, in different lines of work which meant frequent flying etc/ international long distance ).
DP's older brother (by 12 years) is now settled with 3 children and the same wife who he had to live away from for several years when he was at a similar stage to us. All living what seems like a perfectly happy life - financially better placed now too to raise their growing family.
Also have a couple of old family friends who's partners are in the army and also raising DC alone etc. I don't doubt that its difficult and challenging but also seemingly happy marriages.

My point is, it is obviously possible and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Anecdotally only know of a few people but I'm sure there are obviously many many more. I know long distance is not for everyone (and perhaps not for me if it was the start of a new relationship)

Not really asking for relationship advice here (in terms of staying together or separating) more just general advice on the situation/ tips on how to deal with it.
I am sure that if it really gets too difficult (e.g I dont know perhaps illhealth in one of us or a future child etc) I have no doubt in my mind that we would both absolutely prioritise each other over careers.
Just me having wobbles since finding out re: job offer is enough for DP to suggest dropping the whole idea and staying put however we are both more than capable of running ourselves independently and meeting whenever able so I absolutely don't want to be selfish and restrict him while progressing myself.

Despite this, its obviously just shit and general advice would be appreciated.

Agree with @lilyWater but maybe not so hard on the bloke. It seems both of you are prioritising career over relationship. It's fine but you need to recognise what you are doing and not blame it on the universe.

My DH lives away during the week and has done for 5 years. We have kids.

You have to trust the other person completely.
You have to accept (esp when kids are in the picture) that that transitions can be shit. (When they leave/arrive)
It takes massive commitment to live apart long term- and when you have kids, it’s really easy to get resentful- both sides.
You are with kids- resenting his ‘free time’ - & he will resent your time with the kids.
It is possible. I would’nt advise it as an ideal situation for anyone contemplating new kids soon. If I’d been in this situation with a newborn, I’d no longer be married.