How do you combat loneliness?

[Fortunategirl]

I’m so lonely. How do you combat that? I’ve been married a long time and I have Primary aged kids. I’m fine when the kids are home and when I occasionally see friends. Loneliness is creeping in to every single day. Me and my husband haven’t been close since 2017. There’s no emotional connection anymore and we no longer share a bedroom. I’m only 49. I feel so lonely most days that I could tear my own eyes out in despair. I’ve thought about leaving him many times but then I’ll lose the kids for half the week and I’ll be even more lonely. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do

With a marriage that shit no wonder you feel down, you may as well be single anyway, why would he have to have the kids half the time? Perhaps you could agree that they live with you most days.
I think you would find a new lease of life, hobbies, work, find a new partner, surely the kids would rather see happy parents than miserable ones going off to separate rooms. What happens in 10 years when your kids don't rely on you, you need to plan a better life.

You need to build your own life, which is easier said than done as you have a young family,m and the current crisis makes a lot of things so much harder.

Do you work OP or are you full time at home?

I don’t currently work. I was trying to go back and started having interviews just before the pandemic. Now I’m up shit creek in that regard because millions are also looking for work. My husband is at home full time too so that’s not helping. I’ve done the going to the gym thing and volunteering thing. It’s not helping. I have no family locally and I’m not that close to them anyway. I have a couple of close friends locally but with the pandemic it’s made me realise I don’t have a tribe or strong emotional connections. It’s all been a bit of an eye opener really. I’m in counselling which has made me realise just how crap my life is and how utterly lonely I am. I don’t know what to do to build that better life. I don’t know how to start.

I'm trying to make my own life, but that's quite difficult right now obvs.

I'm also building myself up to leave DH. He's not a bad man, but he's a terrible husband and I just think that martyr mum sacrificing her own happiness for the well-being of her family is bullshit and I'm not up for that anymore. I feel that I could easily be replaced for a robot.

Sorry, not much advice there, but a lot of solidarity.

Thanks for the solidarity. Appreciated

You aren't utterly lonely, it just feels like you are, and being lonely in company is probably just as bad as being lonely alone.

I do things like come on here, go for a walk, go to buy a newspaper or something, just for some human company.

One thing you could do, is do those things, or maybe go to gym class or for a run, for some genuine alone time. Your husband can mind the DC for an hour or two.

It sounds counterintuitive, but amateur psychologist that I am I think that you are losing your identity - you're Mum or The Wife not Fortunate , so that's why I'm suggesting you get a teensy bit of headspoace.

It sounds like your marriage is on it's last gasps. Would there be any point in counselling as a couple?

If you could describe how you would like your life to be, what would it be like?

I’d like to live close enough to my best friend so I could pop in for a cuppa everytime I’m feeling down/low. I’d like to have a job. I’d like to have some say over my own life. Where I live etc. I’d like to have a partner who doesn’t talk to me like I’m a piece of illiterate crap

You need to leave your relationship. You shouldn't be lonely if you are in a relationship.
I say this as someone who was lonely in my marriage.
You need to find yourself again
Best of luck

@Livandme did you find yourself again? How? How long were you married?

"I'd like have some say over my own life", can you explain what you mean?

@slidingdrawers I have no control or access to the family finances. If I try and talk to my husband about moving somewhere else then I’m shut down. All conversations are difficult. I have no time in my own house on my own. He’s there 100% of the time. He’s grumpy and rude.

What you describe is financial abuse. Does he pay for your counselling? What does your counsellor say when you tell them this?

Being lonely in a marriage or long term relationship is a damn site worse than actually being alone. I echo what has been said about losing your identity and the lack of space will compound that. It sounds like your husband is contemptuous of you, hard to row back from there. Wishing you much more happiness, joy and luck for the future.

I think you shoukd keep looking for work. .I know it's hard at the moment. You say you did voluntary work.did that not work out.maybe a different type of volunteering?

@fortunategirl.
I'm work in progress.
I've had some counselling and will have more in the future. Just got a lot going on right now to try and work on me so have parked the counselling for now. But I try and read books and if they aren't working for me, I just close them. I am kind to myself. I make time for things that are important to me and I try to make myself happy. I've distanced myself from negative people. (the relief is so good in many ways after a rocky start) and I give myself a break much more than I ever thought I would.

Was married nearly 15 years. I'm very sad things didn't work out but I just have to make the best of it.

Have read more of your updates. Please make some plans and think where you want to be. The loneliness in a relationship is worse than actually being on your own.

My friends parents were and still are exactly how you and your H are. Infact it's almost identical!

My friend has never had a normal relationship, she has nothing to base one off. She's been in therapy for years trying to figure it out.

I don't mean abusive relationships, it's just never been normal, always a little toxic, they always seem miss matched, unavailable etc. It's really messed her up.

Her parents don't communicate. They're still together now, no idea why? Their 2 kids are now adults living their own lives but the parents still live in the same house, barely talk to each other and sleep separately, they're both just miserable together, despite both being nice people in their own rights. I've never understood it.

If you can, get out. If you can't, try to start making plans to get out when you can, sooner rather than later.