Leading two lives post separation?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Hi all

Sorry for the length - took a bit longer to explain than I thought.
So me and my ex husband separated going on for 3 years ago following his affair. Prior to that I considered myself to be very happily married. Ups and downs of course but never any arguments.

His affair broke my heart. I have known him since we were 16. We were together 20 years, married 14, two amazing kids. It also broke their hearts (they were 10 and 11) and I was the one who had to mop up most of their tears and answer questions I didn't even know the answers to myself.

Ex stayed with the OW a further 2 years and then, rather predictably, it ended. He is now with someone else ( I think a slight overlap) who lives locally and has 2 children, one of which is the same age as our youngest dc and they know each other.

14 months ago I met someone online and we have been together since. He lives an hour away and mostly I see him in the 40% of the time my ex has the kids. However, he does sometimes come here for a day or two while everyone is working from home - usually coinciding with the kids being at their dad's for part of that time.
We can't just meet up for a couple of hours when I have the kids, as my ex does with his gf due to the distance. His kids are also a fair bit older than mine so we wouldn't all meet up together.

A few times my older dc (now 14) has made comments about wanting to do things with 'just me' when my bf has been around and this morning (he has stayed a few days as he hasn't been feeling well) made a comment about not being able to go in my bedroom in the mornings as he is in bed. Sometimes they will go in and out of my room as we are getting ready to put things in the washing basket/get a hairbrush, etc.

I guess I'm just feeling like I am living two lives. I am very much mum all of the time but 98% of the time when I have the kids it is just me and them and we do lots of things together. When I don't have them I spend time with my bf, which is lovely, but I kind of feel like the mum and gf roles are so far apart that when we are all together I feel pulled in two directions so as not to upset anyone.

Me and bf have no plans to live together as I very much want to be present for my kids while they are young without another man moving into their home and my bf is fine with this.

Do I just have to keep both 'lives' separate indefinitely or should I explain to my dc (mostly the oldest one) that I am allowed to have a bf and to spend time with them sometimes but it doesn't mean I love them less? My ex seems to be allowed relationships guilt free but not me and this has been my only one post-separation (unlike him).

Any other similar experiences?

You don't have to do anything - plenty of mums remarry and live with their new dh and ex's children, plenty of mums keep things separate or choose to stay alone.

It is awkward having someone else in the house, though, and it's nice that your ds is being honest about it, rather than keeping it all bottled up; that way you can reassure him or try to rearrange things slightly if you want to.

Sounds as if your bf is also being sensible about it?
My bf has a 10yo dd, and like your arrangement, I mostly come over when she isn't there. But, for example, in the summer he and his dd went camping, and I visited for 5 days. Or this weekend, she was at her dad's when I went over. I try not to disturb their routine - so, for example, if we are all on the settee watching TV, the two of them usually sit together and I wait until she's gone to bed before cuddling up to him myself :)

Thanks @ravenmum. Yes, I'm glad my kids are honest with me and I think we have a closer relationship than they have with their dad.

I guess I just feel like why can't I have my bf around occasionally without feeling guilty when my ex not only had an affair (which the kids don't know about..we never told them this was the reason we were separating) but in now in another relationship and the kids come home from a weekend with him telling me all about the things they have done with his gf and her child, yet he has more 'free' time to spend with her anyway.

I know what you mean - my exh was going out with the kids and his exOW while I was trying to save their feelings by keeping my bfs out of their way - even though he had no reason to bring them together at all, as they didn't live with him. (They knew who she was in our case.)

But, well, my exh has no idea what "guilt" means, whereas I am an expert at it. And what are women there for if not to feel guilty, right? :D

@ravenmum Spot on...whatever I do I feel guilt but I have to keep telling myself I am doing nothing wrong and am allowed a special someone in my life when the kids aren't there...and even sometimes when they are. He' a good guy, otherwise I wouldn't be with him or have introduced my kids to him.

Hi @Sunshineandflipflops it's similar here although as a lone parent I don't have any time when my kids aren't here. And my BFs current living arrangements mean I can't spend time at his (mine are older teens and could be left). My youngest resents having my Bf in the house even though it doesn't change anything for them as they spend most of their time in their room. I'm careful to only have my Bf here once during the week and once at the weekend so we have plenty of time where it's just me and the kids. But when he's not here I'm just say in my own watching tv and I wish we could spend more time together.

My Bf is totally understanding of the arrangements and doesn't want my youngest to feel uncomfortable. We both know living together isn't on the cards whilst my DC are here. I will always put my DC first but sometimes when I'm watching tv alone, after asking my DC to spend time with me, I do think it would be nice to have my BF here.

It's always a bit awkward, my DD's do seem to like dp and say they are happy for me but it's never going to be completely normal I suppose like before their dad left me. I ensure we have time just us, but so with dp too. His dd on the other hand is very friendly is keen to hang out with me which is lovely, even wants to meet my parents

Hey @Notcoolmum. Yeah, pretty much the same here. My dc are 12 and 14 and rarely want to sit with me in the evenings yet I feel like my bf shouldn’t be here when they are. He does understand but I just wish sometimes my two ‘lives’ weren’t so separate and there could be a little overlap.

We all went away for a week recently (with my parents too) and it was nice but it’s just not the same as he’s not their dad I guess.

My kids have and will always come first so this is how it has to be for the foreseeable.